The Actors

This is a story

about my Uncle Tommy and his friend Mr. O'Malley

and how everybody got upset because they were all confused.

This is a story about the actors.

"Now is the winter of our discontent

"made glorious summer by this sun of York,

"and all the clouds that lour'd upon our house

"in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

"Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths,

"our bruised arms hung up for monuments,

"our stern alarums chang'd to merry meetings,

"our dreadful marches to delightful measures.

"Grim‐visag'd war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front,

"and now, instead of mounting barb‐ed steeds

"to fright the souls of fearful adversaries,

"he capers nimbly in a lady's chamber

to the lascivious pleasings of a lute."

Sorry, sorry. Could you just say what's on the card?

I was told to prepare something.

I know, but if you could just say what's on the card, please. Look into the camera.

Hold up the packet.

Just hold it a little higher. A bit higher. And just what's on the card. That's all. OK.

"McCullagh's. My God, that's a right lump of a sausage."

Brilliant. That was great. Um...

Could you just put a bit more welly in it?

Wel... Welly?

Welly, yeah.

"McCullagh's. My God, that's a right lump of a sausage!"

Sell it to me, will you? Sell it.

"McCullagh's. My God, that's a right..."

Sorry. You're talking about sausages, but I don't believe a word of this.

I mean, I just don't believe it.

I'm finding this hard to get worked up about, actually.

Where are your feelings? You're an actor. Believe it, will you?

McCull... I'm sorry, I can't.

You're going? Excuse me. Sorry, didn't mean to offend you.

Didn't mean to offend your sensibilities, pal.

Next. Next.

My God, that's a right lump of a sausage.

My God, that's a right lump...

Where is the power, then, to... to beat him back?

Where be thy followers? And... And thy... thy tenants?

Are they now upon the western shore,

safe‐conducting the rebels from their ships?

No, my good Lord. My friends are in the north.

Cold friends to me.

What do they in the north when they should serve their sovereign in the west?

My gracious sovereign, now in Devonshire,

as I by my friends are well advertised,

Sir Edward Courtney and the haughty prelate,

Bishop of Exeter, his elder brother,

with many more confederates, are in view.

In Kent, my liege, the Gilfords are in arms,

and every hour, more competitors flock to the rebels...

My Lord, the army of great Buckingham.

The army of great Buckingham.

...strong.

My Lord, the army of great...

Out on you, owls! Nothing but songs of death?

Oof! Fuck.

There takes thou that till thou bring better news.

Fuck.

Don't you ever fucking upstage me again.

My fucking badge fell off. Ungrateful bastard.

I don't know why I break my bleedin' back every night here.

None of these stupid knackers understand any of it, anyway.

I barely understand it. Be all over soon.

Jesus, put me out of my fucking misery.

I know, Arthur, but the point is, it's not worth it

for 220 fucking Euros a week to debase myself like this.

There must be something on the horizon.

Really?

If there's a sign of anything, Arthur, get on to me, will you?

I'm bollixed with the rent. I'm out on my ass.

What about those sausage bastards?

No? Oh. They didn't know what they wanted, anyway.

All right, Arthur. Bye.

I've got to get myself a new agent.

Someone who can get me a big film.

Look at this.

This is how an actor should be treated.

Tubbetstown Castle.

Ten grand a night and the whole fucking place to yourself.

That's my dream. I'm not fucking around.

One must never give up hope.

Am I too old?

For what?

Hamlet.

To play Hamlet himself?

Yes.

Yes, Tony, you are too old.

I always wanted to play Hamlet, but with just the vowels.

Now, why wouldn't anyone have gone with me on that, Tom?

Each character vocally crippled.

Oo ee,

oo o uh ee,

a i e e‐io.

Confidence is all about character.

Being comfortable in it, losing yourself.

You need the character. What is it?

I'm a pallbearer and a messenger.

Oh, I need characters, not messengers.

I need a message.

A message, yes. You are a character with a message for me.

Now, who is he? Who is this character with a message?

Is he in love? Did he sleep well last night?

He... Yes?

...could have a bad... Yes?

...stammer.

No, because you'd stop my flow, my rhythm.

You'd stop my juice.

He could, though, just before he says the line, right,

inadvertently, because of nerves,

make this weird kind of honking sound.

You're being foolish.

I'm just no good.

I'll give you a fiver.

A fiver? Have you lost your reason, Maurice? This is preposterous.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Who got you this job?

You did.

And would I have moved mountains to get it for you if you were no good?

I don't know. You like having me around to help you with your lines,

take off your hump, rub your shoulder, which I don't love, actually.

You see, I've seen something.

Where?

In you. And I have a proposition.

What is it?

Finish your drink, and we'll go somewhere a little more private.

You're not gay or anything like that, are you? 'Cause I'm not like that.

Oh, no, I can assure you. Anyway, it's irrelevant.

You haven't been here, have you? No.

I moved in in my glorious past.

Voice‐overs, American TV.

It's falling apart now.

Can't afford the rent.

I'm being kicked out.

Got to find an apartment, a little flat.

Bed‐sit or something.

So what's this proposition?

Well, it's a little complex.

I think you'll agree that acting isn't real.

Yeah.

That's because nothing is at stake,

and we're just pretending that it is.

Well, now, supposing something was at stake,

really at stake, like life or death or money.

That's real life.

Well, my proposition is to blur the difference.

I'm not with you.

Well, for many weeks now,

I've been frequenting this very, very rough pub in the docks.

What? With, like, sailors or...? Oh, no. No.

No, I've been seeking out bad company for research, you know.

To play Richard, I needed to meet some villains.

Villains? The real thing, to help my performance.

Cutting‐edge lowlifes. You know, the godforsaken.

What? Like gangsters or...?

Well, men who operate outside the law.

And you talk to them? Well, one in particular.

I think you should watch yourself, Tony.

Well, this brings me to the proposition.

It's to do with this guy? I need you to hear me out.

For entertainment value, I'll listen.

Maybe you'll sing a different tune.

From what I can make out, there's a certain party

is owed money by another certain party,

and neither of them have ever met.

Right. So a certain party owes somebody money.

Yes, and they have never met.

Now, supposing someone, sitting not a million miles from my good self,

were to pretend he was the party to whom the money was owed.

If he could carry it off, he could collect the money.

If you're serious, you've lost it. I mean, you're gone.

Au contraire, my gallant compadre.

You are just the man to do it, the man to do the acting.

Acting? I can't act. I'm shit. Exactly.

This exercise is exactly what you need for training,

because there's something at stake.

You've got to formulate every aspect of your character.

You must never, ever let your facade drop.

If you manage this,

you will never look back.

And you and I, we will share the proceeds