Two and a Half Men

Ah! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God!

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh...

Oh, God. Oh. God.

Oh, God.

I was picturing something entirely different.

I couldn't sleep.

So you decided to make your nipples hard?

Oh, the peas. No.

I was heating up some milk and...

You know, my nipple is hard.

If you can't sleep, why don't you just take a pill?

I don't believe in pills.

What about booze?

You believe in booze?

That's not sleeping-- that's passing out.

Pot-ay-to, pot-ah-to.

I just, I have a lot on my mind.

I don't need to drug myself.

Okay, in that case I doknow a great,

all-natural sleep aid.

What's that?

Sex. You should get yourself some sex.

It'll put you right out. Charlie.

Look at me. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Well, sex is not really an option at the moment.

You're telling me you can't make a fist?

Just leave me alone.

How about exercise?

It's kinda like sex, but without the condom.

You know, that's not a bad idea.

Well, you shouldalways wear a condom.

No, I-I mean the exercise.

I-I could go for a run on the beach.

Sure, I've seen people do that.

Usually they have a dog, but I think that's optional.

Actually, that's a great idea.

Oh, where you gonna get a dog at this hour.

You really enjoy screwing with me, don't you?

Well, you don't pay rent.

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

Pay rent?

No...

I'm gonna jog down to the pier and back.

Maybe I can burn off my excess energy.

Attaboy.

Nah, I prefer the tater-tots.

This will do it.

Burn off the energy.

That's interesting.

Nice night for a run.

How rude.

This is the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department.

Stop running and drop to the ground with your arms spread.

Oh, no, no, no!

You've got the wrong guy!

The guy you want ran that way!

This is your last warning.

Drop to the ground with your arms spread.

You don't understand!

Follow me! I'll show you!

Put your hands behind your head and drop to your knees!

No, no, you don't understand.

I just couldn't sleep.

Release the dogs!

Dog-dogs?

No, no, no...

No dogs.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

This better be good.

Hey, it is good.

Charlie, tell them who I am.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Charlie, if you don't tell them who I am,

they're gonna take me to jail.

Why do you keep calling me Charlie?

Sir, is this man living here or not?

Define "living."

Charlie, I swear on my son's life...

Yeah, he lives here.

I told you.

I've got your badge numbers. I am gonna write

a scathing letter to... Shut up.

Thank you, Officers.

You are a credit to the Malibu community.

You have a nice evening.

At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.

So.

How was your run?

* Men.

(dishes rattle in time to the beat)

Enough... drumming.

Fine.

Bass solo.

* Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom... *

Come on.

I-I'd like to have a nice, quiet dinner.

And I'd like you to be a keno waitress

who can fit her entire hand in her mouth,

but here you sit.

I-I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky.

I haven't slept in two days.

Why don't you take a pill?

He doesn't believe in pills.

How can you not believe in them?

They're on TV all the time.

Let me tell you something, Jake.

Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think

you can take a pill for everything.

Can't sleep? Take a pill.

Can't wake up? Take a pill.

Feeling sad? Take a pill.

Can't get it up? Take a pill.

Can't get what up?

Can we just eat our dinner, please?

Can I got back to Mom's tomorrow?

Why?

I want to hang out with my friends.

What? All of a sudden your father's

not good enough for you?

It's not all of a sudden.

Come on, Alan, the kid's growing up.

He's got his own life now.

All right, fine.

How about you have your friends come over here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No kids in my house.

I'm a kid.

Well, I don't think of you as a kid.

I think of you as more of a... gassy dwarf.

Charlie,

you said it yourself--

he's growing up.

Getting a life of his own.

He'll be going off to college soon.

I'll only see him on holidays...

only hear from him when he needs money.

Not that I'll have any.

I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives.

And college tuition?

That just means selling an organ or turning tricks.

And for what?

So that he can get a worthless piece of paper

that he can then fold into a hat

to wear to the fast-food job

that he will probably be fired from

for stealing fries from the customers' bags.

I dolike fries.

* Men.

: Sure, you can sleep.

You have no conscience.

Wake up!

What?

It's noon.

What day?

Saturday.

Thanks. See you Sunday.

Charlie, I have to go out.

I need you to watch Jake and his friend.

Friend?

I thought I said no kids.

You say lots of stuff.

Twice a week you say you'll never drink again.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna have to run some errands.

So take the kids with you.

I can't.

Then run your errands later.

Oh, would you please just get

your drunken ass out of bed

and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!

Well, since you said "please."

Thank you.

I'm, I'm sorry I barked at you.

You still can't sleep, huh?

No.

Well, don't worry, I'm here for you.

I'll keep an eye on the kids.

I appreciate it.

No problem.

It's like he's never met me.

Nothing seems to work.

I-I've tried warm milk, exercise,

meditation, self-hypnosis.

Why don't you just take a pill?

Because I don't need a pill.

The root of my insomnia is psychological.

That is why I'm sitting here with you, a psychologist.

I'm a psychiatrist, a medical doctor,

which is why I can prescribe pills.

Is that some kind of shot at me

because I'm just a chiropractor?

No, of course not,

but I am a real doctor.

Look, can you help me or not?