Two and a Half Men

So, any thoughts on what you'd like for dinner this weekend?

You decide, honey.

I love everything you cook.

Oh, so all of a sudden I'm a woman because I cook

and try to make a nice home for you?

Okay, I heard it, too. Shut up.

Gangway!

Jake!

Leave him alone.

With his grades,

he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.

Are you saying my son's going

to end up working in a supermarket?

No, I'm saying he's probably going to end up homeless.

Well, as I live and breathe, Charlie Harper.

: Oh, great.

Archie.

So how's the best jingle writer in the business?

Looks like he's put on a few pounds.

Archie, this is my brother, Alan.

Alan, Archie Baldwin, the king of the jingle writers.

Well, I don't know about that.

More like the ayatollah of the jingle writers.

The Grand Pooh-Bah, if you will.

Really? What's that make you, Charlie?

To be honest, a little nauseous.

Hey, listen, we should get together sometime,

maybe collaborate.

I'd like that.

Well, sure, there's no downside for you.

What the hell.

Remind me about it at the awards dinner.

Oh, I'm not going to that.

Well, why not? You're nominated.

What are you nominated for?

It's a silly advertising award.

Doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, he's right.

It's not about the trophies, it's about the work.

My work has won seven trophies.

Hey,

one more, I'll have a menorah.

Well, good luck, Archie, but I think I'll pass.

Oh, well, good for you.

Stay home and sulk.

Nice meeting you.

Okay, where do they keep the extra-large condoms?

Boy, he's a piece of work.

He's a piece of something.

Hey, how come you never mentioned

that whole awards thing?

It's no big deal.

I've been nominated plenty of times.

Oh. Well, how many times have you won?

What difference does it make?

So never.

Yes, Alan, never.

But that guy Archie has won, like, seven times.

Yes, he has.

Wow, that's got to sting.

Hey, Alan, have you ever been beaten to death

with a can of corn?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh, ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Bad stuff grows in the crack of your toes *

* And nobody knows like Toe-Zene *

* Itchy feet burn, make you squiggle and squirm *

* Get fast relief with Toe-Zene *

* Toe-Zene

Toe-Zene anti-fungal medication should not be used

by pregnant women, people with heart conditions

or those who are taking SSI inhibitors.

* Toe-Zene.

I don't know. This could be my year.

I really think it's your best work, Charlie.

Thanks.

I know I said the same thing

about Mr. Herpes Lip Balm.

Yeah.

Just Like a Woman Natural Douche.

And that hemorrhoid cream. What was it called?

Fire in the Hole.

That was good, but Toe-Zene is the one

that's finally going to bring home the gold.

Thanks for your support, Rose.

You're welcome.

Now, can you do something for me?

No.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

I want you to talk to my boyfriend.

Why would I want to talk to your boyfriend?

Because he's smothering me, and not in the good,

"Can you move your thigh off my face" kind of way.

I need my space, Charlie.

I wake up in the morning and there he is staring at me.

I have a bowl of soup,

and there he is blowing on it for me.

Even when we have sex,

I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.

Oh, that's going to keep me up tonight.

You have to explain to him that

if you love someone, you have to let them go.

If they come back, they're yours.

If they don't, then you stalk them.

Look, I really don't want to get involved

in your love life.

Well, if someone doesn't talk to him,

we're gonna have to break up.

Do what you have to do.

Oh, I get it.

You want me to be single again.

Get him over here.

Thank you.

Was that so hard?

* Men.

( playing soft version of Toe-Zene jingle )

I had no idea these awards were so prestigious.

They're meaningless crap.

Come on. Look at this list of past winners for Best Jingle.

Barry Manilow, Randy Newman, Kenny Loggins,

Archie Baldwin, Archie Baldwin,

Archie Baldwin...

What's your point?

My point is it's an honor just to be nominated.

No, no, it's an honor to win.

Being nominated

is just a soul-sucking waste of time.

Why are you so sure you're going to lose?

Because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle.

It's about who has the sexiest product.

That's why the awards always go to car and beer ads.

Over-the-counter medications just aren't hip enough.

That hardly seems fair.

Tell me about it.

Encourage people to get drunk and drive fast, great,

here's an award.

Relieve the heartbreak of vaginal itching?

They don't even want to shake your hand.

Well, win or lose, you should still go to the ceremony.

No, no, no, no, no.

An awards ceremony is like a Thai massage.

If you don't know that there's going to be a happy ending,

there's no point in lying down.

It's not just about you, Charlie.

You have a family

who's proud of your accomplishments

and might like the chance to share them.

What family is that?

Your family: me, Jake, Mom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do not tell Mom about this nomination.

Why? It's a good thing.

It doesn't matter.

If it's a good thing, she'll find a way to make it bad.

Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.

Oh, really.

Let's try a little experiment.

I'll pretend I'm Mom

and you tell me something good.

All right. Um,

hey, Mom, I have discovered a cure for cancer.

Very nice.

Shame you couldn't do it in time

to save Uncle Walter's left testicle.

Come on. Give me another one.

No, I get the idea.

No, hit me.

Okay, um...

Gee, Mom, it really is a beautiful day, huh?

Try telling that to Uncle Walter's one good nut.

Okay. Um, I adore my son.

Somebody has to.

How about friendship?

How about Judas?

Family. Manson.

Puppies. Rabies.

Love. Communicable disease.

You win.

Quitter! Leave me alone.

You're already alone.

Your wife threw you out, remember?

* Men.

Damn it, Gordon!

Get up there and talk to Charlie.

But I don't want to talk to Charlie.

Do you like having sex with me, Gordon?

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Gordon.

What's going on?

Oh, not much.

I was just passing by.

Thought I'd see how you're doing.

I'm doing fine.

Good.

Good...