In Lieu of Flowers

Death has come for me on the first day of spring.

It has not arrived at all in the way

I've always expected it to.

There is no blinding white light.

Or some demon dressed in black.

It has come like an assassin

in an unruly ambush

and I am totally unprepared.

Death has finally come for me

and left me to grieve the loss of someone very dear.

I'm just not sure who.

It is awesome.

They have $4 margaritas till six and then,

if you show them your teacher ID,

you get free nachos.

Sounds tempting, but I actually have a prior commitment.

Mrs. Osborne, Timmy keeps trying to...

One second, Gabby, it is very rude

to interrupt people when they're talking.

- But, Mrs. Osborne. - It's Ms. Osborne remember?

You only use Mrs. If someone's married.

Oh, like Mrs. Austin?

Hey Eric, it's Melissa.

Long time, I, um... I hope you're doing well.

Look, I'm calling because I've been clearing out

Gretchen's old room here and I came across

some things that I think might be yours.

So, I thought I'd see if you wanted

to come by and pick them up.

I'm actually going to be home tonight

if you want to swing by after work.

Just buzz up and I can let you in and...

Morning, sunshine.

Hey.

You working today?

Just about to jump in the shower.

- Wait, did you go running? - Yeah.

Even in this weather, what is it 13 degrees outside?

I don't know, I'll check the farmer's almanac

and get back to you.

Hey, we're grabbing drinks for Gary's birthday tonight.

- You down? - Maybe, I'll see.

It's just going to be a few of us, very low key, I promise.

I'll see, I'll see.

You know, it is the first day of spring

in case you need an excuse to have some fun.

Rachel Austin, as I live and breathe.

Tried you on your cell, but no answer, again!

Are you out of minutes, girl?

Should I only be calling you on nights and weekends?

Anyway, it's Carrie if you haven't

already figured that out, so if you're not too tired

and you can manage to drag your old bones into the city,

we're all going to grab dinner at some tapas place tonight.

Call me if you're interested or text me or send an eCard.

They're free, bitch, no excuses.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Our celebrant this evening is Father Denary

and this mass is being offered by Rachel Austin

in memory of her husband Robert,

on the second anniversary of his death.

Please rise as we sing our opening hymn.

Hello?

Hello?

Eric?

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me?

Is this seat taken?

Oh, no, sorry.

Oh!

That's amazing.

Just amazing.

I'm sorry... I didn't mean to.

No, please, laugh.

Laugh all you like, I deserve it.

Guess alcohol and commuters don't mix.

I guess not.

Sometimes I kind of see where Colin Ferguson was coming from.

You know what I mean?

- Who? - Colin Ferguson.

The guy who shot up a whole Long Island railroad car

in the '90s.

Oh.

Too far, too dark?

Just a little bit, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, fortunately, I came prepared.

Peace offering, please?

There's nothing sadder than a guy in a suit,

drinking by himself on a commuter train.

Yeah, nothing that comes to mind, actually.

Help me out, please, I'm begging you.

- I'm good, thanks. - All right.

James.

Rachel.

Rachel.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Will you just shut up for five seconds?

Okay, just please, I got through War and Peace faster than this.

No, you never read that book, dum-dum.

Long story long, I never put the address on the envelope,

but it bounces back to my office.

So the guys in the mailroom, they have no choice

but to look inside there because they don't know

who actually sent it and inside,

they find a check from me for $500 to a man

named Nick Zani and lest we forget, the note I wrote.

Which reads, "Can't wait to put

it in you in Vegas, you little whore."

You're the dumbest person I've ever met in my life.

Yes, I am, not very smart.

So, there you go, Happy Birthday.

Thank you so much.

Your unbelievable stupidity

is the gift that keeps on giving.

And with that, I'm gonna take a leak.

You following me to the bathroom?

Yeah, I was hoping you could tell me another

great story while I tinkle.

Some fun times, right?

Look man, I'm so sorry...

Eric, stop it, you don't need to apologize.

- I know... - Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

I'm sorry, did I ruin the moment?

You have a knack.

Oh, God, we should get some shots, right?

What am I your dad, order them.

Ah, miss.

Can we order some drinks?

For Eric Battie, absolutely.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

I work here.

No kidding, wow!

Yeah, for a few months now.

That's great, how are you?

I'm good, how are you?

Good, yeah.

Andy told me about Gretchen.

I'm so sorry to hear.

Yeah, thanks.

How are you holding up, you know, really?

Hey, Battie?

Hate to break up the reunion, but can we order?

All right, gentlemen, what can I get you guys?

All right, get these nancies two more light beers.

I'll have a Goose soda and whatever this idiot wants.

Jack and coke.

Oh!

And six shots of Jãger.

Jãger!

I had to.

I'm sorry.

What do you mean you have to?

Darlin', can we order some food whenever you get a sec?

Absolutely, what would you like?

What's good, we're riding a nice,

little buzz and we're really in the mood for some good,

old fashioned bar food, so, why don't you just...

Why don't you stop being an asshole

and tell her what you want, douche bag?

Okay, um, tell you what.

I'm going to let you guys just mull this over

and figure out what you're in the mood for and, um,

I'll get you guys another round.

Thank you.

- Dude, what's your problem? - Shut up!

Mitch, you've been acting like

an asshole since you got here.

- I'm the asshole? - Everybody just calm down.

Try and have a smidge of respect, okay?

- That's a friend of mine. - Yeah, I know.

I saw you practically crying in her arms.

Shut the fuck up, Mitch!

Easy, man!

Jesus.

Eric, what is with you, man?

Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I hope the waitress doesn't spit in our drinks now.

Yeah, I'm gonna make Eric check mine

and see if it tastes like wee-wee.

Geez, he's still messed up, huh?

It's been a couple months, man.

I mean, give the brother a break.

So what, you're just gonna bail?

I shouldn't have come, man.

I'm not... I'm not right.

Eric, come on, let's go sit down.

No, man.

Eric, come on, let's go sit down.

It's always worse at night.

On Sundays, Ellen and I used to go get FroYo

and then we went to see a picture at the Ziegfeld.

Even if we had seen it before, we would go again.

Last year, we saw Titanic six times.

Yeah, it's one of the nice things that sisters do

and here it is Sunday, and I'm here.