What We Do in the Shadows

Uh, the TA was asking about you in the chem section.

I said you were feeling a bit under the weather.

So I got you some, um...

O... What...

Os-Oscillio...

Osclio...

Oc-Occlio.

Oak-Oaknium.

Oc-Occlioscosnium.

Osio...

Oscli... uh, Occlioco...

Oscillococcinum, that's...

that's the correct pronunciation, there.

So...

take one of those.

Oh, my God.

Siri,

call 911.

- I'm not sure I got that. Can you... - Siri...

She was fine last night.

And then, this morning,

she asked me to go get her some NyQuil.

And I said, "NyQuil? Don't you mean DayQuil?

Because then you're gonna fall asleep."

She said, "I want to sleep all day." And then...

and then I ended up getting some oles-olescoleum.

- Clecleum? - Do you have a dorm advisor

or someone who can...

What the fuck?!

I thought you said she was dead!

Her vitals were at zero, I checked them three times.

Oh, my... I-I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, um...

you should bill me because I'm still on my parents' insurance.

- Uh, ma'am, you were dead. - I'm fine now, so...

I'm fine.

I still think you should come

- to the hospital, ma'am. - Oh, no, no.

I'm fine.

Ma'am, you are not fine.

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

Was I disappointed

I wasn't turned into a vampire?

Yes.

Heartbroken.

But I think it's because...

I need to learn patience.

And my master's

been really good to me lately.

How is it looking, Guillermo?

It looks like I'm flying, Master.

Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo!

I'm a vampire!

You are not, though.

We have total dominion

from here... to here.

So that's two streets.

Our street and Ashley's street.

Yes. I lied a bit.

Actually, it's from there to there.

So we have dominion over five houses?

We need to reach out to some other vampires.

Consider joining dominions to secure

our stranglehold over the region.

- Yes. - Yes.

Simon the Devious

is a vampire we have known for centuries.

Our coffins were all together on the ship

that brought us over to America.

We used to hide down in the hole,

then whisper jokes to each other.

Crawl around, tickle each other, have a lovely time.

And then we would climb up to the top deck

and just breathe in the sea air and seduce and kill sailors.

We went to Staten Island,

he went to Mana-hatta.

And he very quickly became

the king of the Manhattan vampires.

And he was only 107, which...

You know, real boy wonder. Very clever.

He's not that clever.

Okay, who's cleverer, then?

Stavros the Clever.

He died tripping on his cape

at a wooden stake sale at the garden center.

Simon's HQ is this fantastic nightclub

called the Sassy Cat Club in Mana-hatta.

We used to go all the time in the '20s.

And we would do the Charleston

and the Peabody, and we'd drink some very nice blood

from some very nice goblets.

You have to wear a cape in there.

Yes. Everyone is in a cape.

And if you don't wear a cape,

you'll look like a Fuck Me Knee-trembler.

Laszlo!

He's right, though.

If you don't, you'd look like a right little tart.

How's this for the city?

Oh, yes.

You look like a beautiful piece of wallpaper.

It needs a cape.

Hmm? Really?

Yeah. The bigger the better.

Run.

We're going into the city tonight.

We're going to party and dance

and form a power alliance with the Manhattan vampires

so that we can crush the humans.

No offense.

I found it.

Thoughts?

Looks like it's alive.

Good eye.

It's 100% witch skin.

Simon was always very jealous of this hat.

I can't wait to see his face when I walk in.

Please don't wear that hat.

- Too stylish? - No.

It's a big, bloody stupid hat with

a big, bloody stupid curse on it.

And every time you wear it,

something bloody stupid terrible happens.

- Nonsense. Gizmo likes it, don't you? - It's Guillermo.

Laszlo's stupid hat.

It's got a bloody huge curse on it.

I have tried to throw it out many times,

but it keeps crawling back. Literally.

I acquired this hat

while draining the blood of a Bavarian Hexenbrenner,

or witch burner.

He must've noticed me eyeing it,

'cause in his dying breath,

he said, "Take my hat, it's

cuh..."

"Yes, it is cool," I thought.

Free hat.

Even better.

Think of all the things that have happened.

The potato famine, that time that that horse

knocked you over and trampled over you.

- No, it didn't. - Then it started making love to you?

I don't consider that a curse.

- It's growing human hair. - Exactly.

My new familiar, he likes it. Don't you, Dustin?

- It's Justin. - Yes, have a touch.

That was our new familiar.

Adieu.

It's that bloody cursed hat, Laszlo!

It's got nothing to do with the hat. It's the bookshelf.

Which I charged you to fix.

This hat is not cursed.

Oh, hey.

Uh, I-I overheard that you might be going to Manhattan.

I-I'd love to tag along.

Ooh.

Look at the skyline, Guillermo.

Yes, Master.

Steady, Guillermo.

It's a bit shaky.

I don't want water on my cape.

I'll have a soggy cape.

Why are we stuck in bloody traffic, Laszlo?

- I don't know. - Cursed hat.

That man on the sidewalk looks a bit sad. Curse.

Why does this car smell bad? It's the curse.

Look, you can say that all night.

I'm gonna be wearing this hat.

I am a bit nervous about seeing Simon.

In the old days, it would not have been my style

to make an alliance.

I would have slaughtered my neighbors in battle.

But then you wake up and you think,

"I've got no neighbors."

What if I want to borrow something?

I'm ready to make a change.

My old boar.

Barry.

He's always smiling.

Ready to make

a friend.

I'll do the talking.

I invite you in.

Oh, it's so dingy.

Everyone looks like Billy Idol.

It's a sexy Marmaduke.

This is lively.

We are the only ones wearing capes.

Shall we look for Simon the Devious?

Let's mingle until the others get here.

Mingling...

mingling.

Mingling with you.

- Hi. - I-I'm gonna go look for the bathroom.

Oh, Guillermo.

Be careful you don't get... pfft.

Why don't you go and mingle?

Oh, I don't think so.

Uh, my stomach's feeling a little iffy.