Seeking Dolly Parton

[Indistinct announcement over pa]

[Indistinct announcement continues]

Subtitle Improved by 'Shreyashjit'

[Man speaking indistinctly over pa]

I like your glasses.

Oh.

Thanks. Dorky.

No, they're cute.

Do i recognize you?

I'm sure i've seen you somewhere before.

You-- Chopsticks?

Chopsticks? No, what's that?

It's a bar.

It's a gay bar.

Oh, no, no. You definitely didn't see me there.

I like your accent.

Thanks.

I like yours.

I don't have one.

To me, you do.

[Indistinct announcement over pa]

Wanna have a baby?

You did not say that.

Yeah, i'm pretty sure i did.

No, no, i think it took about two years to get to that stage.

I think we had a few obstacles to get through first,

Like the whole girl-On-Girl thing.

Oh, no, i think we straddled that hump quite nicely.

Yeah, well, it wasn't without its obstacles.

No, like, our first kiss.

I don't remember that.

-No? -Uh-Uh.

Let me remind you.

it's so crazy how we can do this nowadays.

I mean, we can actually find a father on a laptop.

sperm donor.

I'm really getting sick of saying the word "sperm."

Look at that guy.

-Him? -Mm-Hmm.

Yeah, yeah, he's cute.

All right.

Well, there's dad.

Wait a second. We gotta read up on the guy,

-See what's going on. -Okay, well,

Says he plays basketball, he's vegetarian.

Combined with you that baby will be half vegetarian.

Oh, wait, look at this guy.

Is he... chinese or something?

I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

Mother, japanese, father, german.

Hmm. Wonderful.

Our two greatest enemies.

It's not 1942 anymore.

Well, either way, i gotta start taking notes.

Okay, well, you take your notes,

And if you get bored, i'm gonna be in the paint room.

Come on, babe. I'm not just doing this for me here.

-This is for us. -Oh, i know,

But you can whittle it down.

I trust you. You can think of yourself as a...

casting director, all right?

And then we'll pick together, promise.

I love you.

Hmm.

All right.

Please stand on your mark and slate your name.

hello. I'm jack hunky.

hi, jack, let me see your profiles.

Oh, good, good. Oh, that's really nice.

Now drop your pants.

媻 you're not my type

媻 i'm not yours

媻 you're an open window

媻 and i'm a closed door

媻 you're so optimistic

媻 i can't see why...

you slept in your painting shirt again.

It's dry paint.

Nice ass.

kiss it.

Hey, um...

i got up this morning, i was thinking about something, you know.

I was going over all those guys again.

You want the swimmer guy, don't you?

What if we didn't go with any of them?

What, you mean a new donor place?

Well, what if we went with somebody

You know, we-- We actually know?

Someone real.

What, you mean actually get it from an actual bloke

We actually know?

Look, last night you could hardly care about

Who i picked off that donor website.

-No, that's not true. -I don't blame you.

It's weird.

I guess i just always thought i'd get pregnant the old-Fashioned way.

That something you're gonna miss?

No, no, no.

No, i just...

i wonder if it's something you'll ever miss.

You can't miss something that you've never wanted.

Yeah.

You got someone in mind?

- beautifuls. -Hey, jon.

What's going down, besides yourselves?

- -Come on in.

-Get in there. -Looking good, though.

I like that.

are you guys abreast, so to speak,

Of this new nudity law in san francisco?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, i am. -No, what law?

Well, now you can strut your junk outside in the city.

-Yeah. -No way.

And i'm the last guy to ask another guy to put their clothes back on

But have you seen the people that are actually going with this trend?

I swear to god, the law needs to be: you get a trench coat,

Six-Week diet plan, and a workout at the gym.

Yeah, i walked outside of my building yesterday

To a 65-Year-Old jogger wearing only his ipad and tennis shoes.

-You did not. -Was he cute?

I'm skipping lunch. End of conversation.

Yeah, so-- Hey, grandma.

These are my friends right here,

Charlie and cerina.

-Hi, great to meet you. -Hi, nice to meet you.

You want to offer them a cup of tea?

Would you like to have a cup of tea?

-No, no, we're fine. -We can't stay long.

No, they don't drink tea, grandma, they're lesbians.

I don't know what to do now.

Go and wash my dishes, grandma.

Lesbians don't drink tea? Lesbians?

When did your grandma get here?

She helps pay the rent and do chores.

You make her do chores?

Well, what is she gonna do? I mean,

It's either that or it's back to stripping,

And i don't think she can pole dance anymore.

Hey, grandma. Grandma!

Hey, grandma, do me a pole dancing move.

Show some what?

All right, grandma. Get out of here.

Pole dancing? What the hell is he talking about?

I think she was getting a little antsy back in new york,

And she was sent out to check on me

And... i'm the last grandson and all that, so...

they want to know why i haven't had any kids yet.

But, um...

yeah, so...

ah, you know.

So what are you guys doing here, anyway?

-Um... -Well...

-we, uh... -We wanted to ask you something.

Yeah. Something that involves...

your sperm.

I'm really getting sick of that word.

now, sis,

You're gonna have a gay guy impregnate a somewhat-Lesbian

To have a child with her most-Definitely,

Utterly, completely lesbian girlfriend?

This is how the world is gonna rid itself of straight people.

Ah, what do you care? You're asexual.

Workaholic's more like the term.

Besides, mom and dad are gonna be the ones that trip out on this.

They're still hoping that you're gonna bang your head again

And someday rediscover the joys of the male anatomy.

Oh-Ho, i remember them well.

Leo, a woman's sexuality is a little bit more fluid than a man's.

-Hmm. -Things like this happen.

Anyway, old news. New news is this baby thing.

You think it's gonna go over like a bad meal?

Who knows? The last thing mom and dad want

Is to not be unconditionally loving parents in their neighbors' eyes,

So you have their reputation going for you.

Well, i'm not too concerned anyways.

We aren't kids anymore.

We grew up like good kids, and if they want to be good parents,

-They'll learn to be proud. -Mm-Hmm.

Besides, they got over you not going green on some of your bills.

I thought you promised not to bring that up again.

I'm so mad at you. You're so mean.

Dork.

-You really need a prius. -Ugh.

hello?

Girls, the door was open.

Dude, you couldn't-- You need to knock before you...

-come in. -Seriously.

I'm sorry, the door was open.

Good.

What's going on? How is everything?

Just cooking dinner.

I'm not hungry, though, thanks.

You ever heard of knocking?

Well, that's funny, 'cause i got dinner plans, so i'm not gonna--

Is that a panty?

-Uh... -Mine.

We keep 'em in the kitchen, sometimes.

Beautiful. Can i get a drink? I need a drink.

Yeah, help yourself.