Rock Paper Scissors

This is me and I hate my life. It wasn't always this way. I

used to live in a big house, in a big city that so easily

swallowed you up it left you naked with your own petty

significance. It was perfect.

I wasn't even a blip on the radar. Then my dad had to go

fuck it up literally.

Sing for me my angel of music.

That's my dad.

George!

Oh, hey mom!

I can explain.

I don't know how dad tried to explain nailing the maid up the

pooper, but oddly enough, It didn't work.

So I got landed here. Shitsville, U.S.A.

Fuck, I hope they have pesticide for lunch.

How was Hendrix?

Twatkins High?

Hurry up, you don't want to be late.

Late? Considering we just drove fifteen hundred miles so I can

get a diploma that read Twatkins High, late really isn't the

issue right now.

This toolbag is Jordan Davies.

Quarterback and head douchebaggery of Twatkins High.

Who the fuck are you?

Kelvin, Kelvin Anis.

Dude, did you just say your name was anus?

What a douche.

Now, when your last name is Anis you kind of expect the name

calling. It's best to just let it go.

Actually, I said Anis. But its cool man it happens all the

time. Let it go.

You know, not all the time, you know.

Just let it go.

The last kid who did it, he was kind of slow. I'm not saying

you're slow, it's just, he liked to eat his own...

Stupid.

Need a hand?

No. What makes you think I need help?

You're wearing a guitar, I...

What? Holy shit, look at that. Man, it's a good thing you were

here. Otherwise, how would I have ever known that I was

stuck in a guitar.

Fine, whatever.

Wait. Wait, wait.

Now you want my help.

Yes, alright, I want your help. Fuck, you know, why don't you

just rub your balls in my face. Come on, come on, just lift up.

What happened? Dude, hold still.

It's fucking sharp, man. It hurts.

Alright, what do you want me to do?

Slow. Slow.

Can you shut up for a second? Let me just...

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Alright. It's just really on there.

Ooh, watch the nipple, watch the nipple. Ow!

Here you go.

Good morning.

Well, hello there young man and how are you today?

Fine, thanks. Um, I just transferred here. I was told to

stop by and pick up my schedule.

Well, aren't you just a silly goose. I know who you are.

You're Jessica's son. Got your class schedule right around here

somewhere. Kelvin, right?

Uh, yeah that's right.

Oh, don't look so surprised. It's not like I'm one of those

psychics or anything.

Why don't you take this and have a seat

over there. It'll just take a few minutes.

Somebody kill me.

Okay, folks there it is. Six weeks.

What does it all mean? It means it's going to be

party time. It's going to be midterms. So you're going to

have to knuckle down between now and then. We got a lot of

material to cover, right? So if you hear the word penis, vagina,

you know, don't start giggling. This is grade twelve biology,

okay? Are we all in agreement here?

It's party time right from the start.

Mr. Flaherty, how nice of you to join us.

Any time, sir.

Mr. Flaherty, need I remind you that your grievous test scores

from last year are some of the worst I've seen in my twenty-two

years of teaching. So, maybe if you made it on time and maybe

paid attention, you just might be able to scrape together a

decent score without a negative sign in front of it in the end.

I'm sorry, but maybe you didn't notice me carrying this around.

Do you think it's possible that there might be a reason that I

was fucking late?

Congratulations, Mr. Flaherty, you've earned a trip to the

principal's office on your very first day. I'm sure your parents

will be very pleased.

What the hell sir? You're pissing on me for being, like

five seconds late, when those knob jobs took my guitar's

virginity using my fucking head!

Alright, that's it, Flaherty! You're out of here!

Okay, sir. Look, calm down, okay. How about I say I'm sorry

for being late and you let go of my sack for a bit?

Out!

Sir?

Get out of here!

Slut. Asshole. Hoe. Shithead.

So gross.

This coming from the V.D. piñata. Hey, did you ever get

your tampons the condoms they asked for? Bitch.

Have a nice day.

That's what you get. Yeah, yeah. Take it. Yeah.

Take it. Take it.

Um, Fritz, what are you doing, man?

Hey, Carla. I, uh, that's not what it looked like.

Right.

You thought that I was?

No, no. I mean, you see this?

This is a no felashe zone.

So, as long as you're the felatee it's okay, then?

Yeah. Guess I just have to find me a felateur.

I'm in.

Wait, wait. I, uh, I haven't heard you singing on

Main Street lately.

You've seen me sing?

Yeah. I mean, uh, I've passed by. You know?

Yeah, well unfortunately you won't see me there any time soon

because my brother is off to school. I don't have any music

to sing to.

How about a stereo?

Well, I mean, it's not quite the same as live, but I guess if I

get desperate? I guess I will.

Cool.

Fritz, I'm going to go to the bathroom now.

Right, yeah. Go ahead.

Okay.

Word to your mother.

Vanilla Ice.

Carla Cummings finally talks to you and you

quote Vanilla fucking Ice?

God, I'm like the poster child for spermicide.

Hey.

Hey.

How's the guitar?

Don't know. Probably filing a harassment suit.

Wasn't even my type. Hold this.

What the hell is this?

What?

McDonald's or Wendy's?

Oh, it's for rating girl's ninja slippers.

I like to know how I'm dining.

What?

Look, you know how a Mac Do's hamburger has that perfect bun

seal and then a Wendy's Burg always has that little extra

flap of meat hanging out?

Flaherty, get in here!

Ah, crap. Later.

Later.

This is bullshit, John!

I'm telling you guys,

it's possible that there is a slight chance that

Carla Cummings may not be completely disgusted

by the idea of having me in,

or at least in close proximity to her mouth.

Dude, you've been trying to talk to this girl

since junior year.

Have you even tried to make a move?

Look, you weren't there, alright.

First of all, her name is Carla Cummings, okay.

Cummings. That's like pornstar styley.

Good point, my friend. Good point.

I know.

Hey dude, look.

Attention T. Watkins High students.

We have a new student today.

Please, make sure you welcome Kelvin Anis

to the school. Have a great afternoon.

How's your first day going, Anus?

Oh, wow. Wow.

Uh, hey, dude, you got a mint or something?

Gum?

What?

I just didn't know they were serving

garbage, dude. How was it?

Listen, you little fuck.

Some people may think that you being

from Hollywood makes you hot shit,

but that don't make it so.

You were a loser there. And you're a loser here.

Dude, at least I'm consistent.

Hey! Move it along, Davies.

Let go of me, Mr. Clean. Shouldn't you be washing

my shit out of the toilets or something?

I said, move it along, Davies.

See you around, Anus.

Jordan Davies' bad side.

It's not a good place to be, kid.

You better watch your back.

It's cool, everything's been coming from the front.

You're crazy.

What's up?

Don't do it.

Do what?

Be a hero. It's not worth it.

Who is she?

From the tent you're pitching, I'm guessing you're

talking about Valerie Ward.