Best Laid Plans

Wait! Joseph!

Wait.

Now! Now! Go! Go!

Come on.

Come on. Come on, hurry up.

Come on, hurry up. Hurry up.

Come on, come on, come on.

Can't you go any faster?

Come on.

Right, let's get this sold and I'll get you something to eat.

All right? A nice big bacon sandwich.

- (Joseph) Bacon'? - Come on, hurry up.

Come on, I'll get you something to eat.

Come on. Come on, keep moving.

Come on.

Mobile laundry, Danny?

I don't think that'll catch on around here, son.

Curtis, I was just coming to see you.

- Were you? - Yeah, I've got some money for you.

Back! Back! Go! Go!

Get the little bastard!

Ta.

Cornered.

Like the little rat you are.

Let me make this real simple for you.

Ten grand or my gear back.

I haven't got it.

- The money or the gear? - None of it.

I got ripped off by two scousers!

- (Curtis) How predictable, Danny. - (Danny) It's all right.

I went to school with one of his sisters, I know where he lives.

- You can get it back. - I can get it back?

I'm ten grand down, and you expect me to go to war with some fucker

to get back what's already mine?

Marco, strangle him.

Oh, come on, Curtis, I'll get it back! I just need a couple of days. Fuckin' hell!

Do you know how many washing machines you're gonna have to nick

in order to pay me back?

Slash him.

Oh, come on, that's a bit strong, innit?

Please. Come on, Curtis. Please!

No!

Fuck me!

Stop!

Joseph.

Joseph, come here.

Joseph!

- It's OK. - (Man groaning)

I like you, Joe.

- Joseph! - (Shushing)

Where were we?

Oh, yeah. I was about to give you a second chance, wasn't I?

Come on, you're strong. You can do it.

No,

- Well, you'll have to, Joseph. - Don't want to.

Curtis will hurt me.

Won't let him.

What? Bullet proof now, are we?

Camper van.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll get you the camper van

if you do this for me.

Always say that.

No, I promise you this time. I promise you.

Always say that.

Well, that'll be him now.

Hello?

All right, Deano lad.

Tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah. I can meet you.

All right.

All right, see you then. Tarra.

- Bite! - Go on then, bring it in.

Come on.

- (Laughs) - Yeah, all right. Hey!

He won't do it.

Won't do it?

I've begged him. I've tried. Honest.

Bloody hell, Curtis. Ls there any need for that?

Occasionally.

Two grown men.

Living in the same house.

Always together.

Yeah?

Are you lovers?

I look after him, that's all.

No more.

That's a shame.

You make a lovely couple.

What I'm getting at is you owe me.

And if you can't pay me back, I'm gonna bury you, Danny.

And I'm going to torture that backward man-child of yours

in front of your eyes before I do.

His big moon face staring up at you.

Tears streaming down his big fat cheeks.

I'm probably gonna have to leave the room when it gets too upsetting.

He's a baby.

He's stupid, his brain doesn't work proper.

That's the funny thing about this whole situation.

Because he's the only guy who can save you.

What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

- I'll have a word with him. - You'll have a word with him.

There you go.

Sorted.

Like hell.

I'll have a word with him. I'll talk to him. I'll make him do it.

Yeah.

Now get the fuck out of here.

Will you do it?

I do things for you.

Don't want to.

And I don't want to cook your fuckin' dinner every night

and wipe your big fat arse, but I do it.

No, you don't.

- You ever been to Dublin? - Mmm-mmm.

Ah, mate, you are gonna love it, absolutely love it. It's a wonderful city.

And those Irish kids are mad for the cocaine.

Now you are going to be pulling in at least a grand a week.

- A grand a week? - (Winces cautiously)

To start off with.

Is this legit?

Yeah, of course it is.

Deano, man. You've saved me life!

Why me and not you?

Because I've got something going on here that needs my personal attention.

- Do you know what I mean? - (Chuckling)

See, I need somebody I can trust to go on over there

and set the wheels in motion for me, all right?

- Well, I'm your man for the job. - That's what I thought.

Now look.

Here's something to keep you going.

Don't mention this to Curtis, will you?

- You got trouble with him? - No. No, not at all.

I just... I don't want him to know.

Do you know what I mean?

All right.

I'll make the arrangements.

You make sure you're ready to go when I give you the call, all right?

- Will do, boss. - Good man.

Promise you, I won't let you down.

All right.

Joseph. Do you want something to eat?

Do you want a go?

Yes, please!

Danny!

I'm on, Danny!

- Look, Danny! - Keep hold!

Good job. Go for that... Go for that one there.

You boss-eyed bastard.

Got it!

Got it!

Evening, ladies.

- Great rack. Did you see her rack! - Pardon?

- I said... I said would you like a drink? - We're fine, thanks.

I never asked how you was feeling, love. I asked you if you'd like a drink.

- And I said we're fine. Thank you. - Hey.

Suit yourself.

Vodka and tonic, twice.

Rack 'em up, Joseph. Rack 'em up.

Rack 'em up.

Two pints, and two vodka tonics, please.

What's his problem?

He's all right. He just needs new batteries putting in.

Two vodka tonics.

Yeah, that's right.

Slice of lime?

Go on then.

If you insist.

Vodka for them two over there?

The dolly birds, yeah.

Have you got a problem?

I won't. As long as you keep your knickers on.

Come on. Let's go.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going, girls? I got you two drinks here.

Drown in them, pricks.

This time next week