Kidding

Previously on Kidding...

Bought the house next to Jill's.

And why would you do that?

They need me.

Did Will do that?

When I told him to stop stealing my debit card.

I'm sick, Dee Dee.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Name one happy child of divorce.

Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?

We need versions of him we can control.

In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.

Then why are you getting a pedicure?

Get me Tara Lipinski.

Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!

Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey!

Yeah, that's it!

He's coming back for you! Come on!

Don't take that shit, Jeff!

Get him!

Come on! Get him!

Knock his teeth down his throat!

_

Derrell...

Check out the new you.

My wife's always saying I should indulge,

but they're expensive, aren't they?

My manager likes me to close a sale

by bending down in front of you to check the toe,

and so you can see my chest.

That's when I'm really supposed to say,

"Check out the new you."

But it feels weird to give Mr. Pickles

the hard sell.

No, no, I like the line. You can say it again.

But I'll check the toe.

So... how's your treatment been coming along?

Uh, can you... ask me something else?

Mm-hmm... Ooh! The table keeps wobbling.

Yeah, your elbows.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Excuse me. Are you our... Waiter. Great.

Can I have the porterhouse, please?

Rare, like a good vet can save it?

I don't need a vegetable.

Also, a basket of truffle cornbread.

Also, a plastic bear of honey. Thank you.

Oh, you're hungry.

No, I-I...

I mean, I haven't been hungry in, like, six months.

Of course. Sorry.

C-can you come back? I-I don't know what I want yet.

Then why did you call the waiter over?

- Good God. - Watch your elbows.

- Elbows, I know. - Yes.

Those pills are just keeping me alive.

Don't worry. Dinner's on me.

No, no, no, you don't have to...

... do that.

No, really.

The fine folks at Discover haven't seen my X-rays.

They don't know I'm not paying another

bill for the rest of my life.

Fat fucking table!

What did you just say?

I don't know.

I have a tremendous amount of pent-up anger,

and I don't know where it's coming from or how to stop it.

And every day it grows and grows,

and I know I dress like a Mormon

and I talk like a monk,

but inside, I'm Mount St. Helens,

and it's 1980, and I am magma from the neck down.

You're so handsome.

You're so beautiful.

From now on, when I text you the letter V,

it means I came thinking about you.

I like...

your knobby knees.

I like the bend in your shoulder.

I like the space under your chin.

I like the way that...

your feet touch the carpet.

It's definitely working now.

That's ASMR...

Autonomous sensory meridian response.

Whispering triggers it.

It relaxes you.

Oh.

Let the machine get it.

More head tingles, please.

Okay.

History's mysteries...

... include the Tunguska event

- in Russia... - Mm-hmm.

You've reached

- Jeff... - Jill...

- Will... - And Phil.

We're the Pickles!

Leave a message, pickle pals.

You've reached Jeff...

- Jill... - Will...

I need you to right-hand Soap Scum.

- Why? - But it's...

it's not on the schedule.

I wrote a song about clouds.

What kind of clouds?

Clouds made of tears?

What are you trying to say with this song?

It's just a normal song about normal clouds.

Huh.

I think Vivian's my girlfriend.

I like saying that.

It's not appropriate right now, but down the line,

you should probably both meet her.

- Wow. Congratulations. - Yeah, congratulations.

- That would be great, yeah. - Wonderful news.

It's a big step.

Oh, he hates me.

Oh, he doesn't do that.

Don't be scared, Hopscotch!

They're just clouds!

They're rain clouds.

Rain clouds thunder and crash.

I like when clouds are shaped like turtles and bunnies.

But clouds are all made of the same thing... water.

Come on, big toes!

If I ain't afraid of water, how can you be?

I'm closer to the clouds than you.

Not anymore!

Maybe this woman

with the broken phone and the Hodgkin's lymphoma

is really helping him turn the corner.

- Maybe this is all he needed. - Maybe.

Now he wrote a song about clouds,

and it's really just about clouds. Listen.

We're gonna have to reshoot this, Dee.

Why?

He's not wearing a wedding ring.

Mr. Pickles is married.

To whom?

It doesn't matter.

Mrs. Pickles.

He's got to put the ring back on.

Please don't ask him to do that.

I have to.

But what if this is the start of his upswing?

It's not.

Whoo!

Or maybe we hold off...

on Other Jeff, just for the week,

see where we are.

She's already in my office, Dee.

I'm sorry.

I don't have to tell you what happens

to a generation of children

breast-fed on the electric nipple of technology.

Lack of empathy,

inability to create meaningful human connections,

war.

It's like someone dropped a toaster in the gene pool.

Every day a child stares at a screen

catapults us closer to societal collapse.

Unless...

Pickles on Ice.

Nothing would make me happier than spreading cheer to...

A marriage born out of the Puppet Time universe,

a story told in the real world

with your characters come to life,

starring Mr. Pickles himself,

in person,

as played by your ideal brand ambassador...

Olympic gold medalist, Miss Tara Lipinski.

If anyone was born to represent

that which you hold most dear,

it's this athletic, wholesome young woman.

Yes. I'm also a spokesperson

for the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids

and the Childhood Leukemia Foundation.

Oh...

So, um...

she, uh, would play me?

We, uh, pre-record all dialogue,

so it's your voice and her graceful body

melting hearts, freezing ice.

Yeah, well...

... I'd like a day to think about it.

No.

Why not?

Because it's my face on another body.

Well, it's all happening.