The Simpsons

D'oh!

-(screams) -(tires screeching)

Lousy job.

Nothing exciting ever happens.

-(alarm blaring) -(bell ringing)

Congratulations, Homer Simpson!

You've just won the employee raffle.

Whoo-hoo! What do I get?

The job of industrial chimney sweep for a day!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoa!

Hey, this isn't such a great prize.

Oh, well, this may be a dirty job,

but the big guys at the top work even harder.

Whoa!

Hmm. (sighs) Will 5:00 never come?

Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know.

I'll go find a spherical one.

Help, Smithers. I'm sinking.

I'm sinking.

Life... flashing...

before--

...eyes.

You're fired!

Dance!

Dance!

All right.

We're finally gonna stop those corporate pigs

from dumping that nuclear waste.

Oh, no! Our boat is sinking.

It was I, you fools!

The man you trusted isn't Wavy Gravy at all. (grunts)

And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.

I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope that-- (gasps)

Oh, my God! Mr. Burns is dead!

Why do the good always die so young?

You almost killed me!

Please, sir.

You'll catch-- cold.

Smithers, do you realize, if I had died,

there would be no one to carry on my legacy?

Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm,

I never fathered an heir.

Now I have no one

to leave my enormous fortune to.

-No one. -(clears throat)

You, Smithers? Oh, no, my dear friend.

I have planned a far greater reward for you.

When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me.

Oh. Goody.

(synthesized tones crescendoing)

-(rumbling) -(grunting)

Turn it up! Turn it up!

Hello. I am Montgomery Burns.

-(yelps) -Now then,

I am looking for a suitable young male heir

to leave my fortune to when I pass away.

My vast, vast, vast fortune.

-Vast. -(excited chattering)

Auditions will be tomorrow at my estate.

And now, our feature presentation.

Oh, for-- Oh, very well.

What are the two E's? Enunciate and energy.

I have nothing to offer you but my love.

I specifically said "No geeks."

But my mom says I'm cool.

Next.

Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

-(grunts) -Thank you!

Give the bully an extra point.

I propose to you that your heir need not be a boy.

In this phallocentric society of ours--

I don't know what "phallocentric" means, but no girls!

So much for plan "B."

That's it, boy. You're our last hope.

Ohh. I just don't want to be here, Dad.

Besides, I started a fire this morning

that I really should keep an eye on.

Bart, this isn't the kind of thing I normally would think was a good idea,

but you wouldn't have to live with Mr. Burns.

You'd just get all of his money someday.

This could provide for your entire future.

-(applause) -Congratulations.

You've just graduated from the most expensive

and, therefore, best school there is.

And your discovery of the cure for the common cold--

Hello, Marge. I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me?

Uh, sure.

I've gotta stop fantasizing about Lee Majors.

Ah, one more.

Okay, boy. I wrote down exactly what to say.

Just read it, and you're a shoo-in!

"Hello, Mr. Kurns.

I bad want money now. Me sick."

Ooh, he card reads good.

"So pick, please, me, Mr. Burns."

-It's Kurns, stupid! -No, it's not.

-Disregard. -Oh, he's the worst yet.

That's it. Everyone out.

Except you. One step to the left.

Ow!

Excellent.

The boot kicked Bart! It kicked him right in the butt!

I think Bart and Lisa are feeling

a little upset right now.

Isn't there something you'd like to say?

There sure is.

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably.

The lesson is, never try.

Right in the butt.

That was great.

It's no use.

I guess I'll have to leave all my money

to the egg advisory council.

Eggs have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Smithers.

Oh, look. A bird has become petrified

and lost its sense of direction.

I think it's a rock, sir.

We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

Why, that rapscallion is breaking all my windows.

-(excited shouting) -(doorbell ringing)

Look, Smithers.

A creature of pure malevolence.

He's the perfect one to suckle

at my proverbial teat.

You there, boy! What day is this?

Today, sir? Why, it's Christmas day.

I was talking to him.

-You, what day is this? -Huh?

I'll tell you what day it is.

Today is the day you become my heir.

-(Bart grunts) -(groans)

Ooh, I like him a lot.

Just sign here,

and your son will stand to inherit my entire estate.

Whoo-hoo! We're rich.

Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows.

We want to get the old-people smell out before we move in.

Dad, Mr. Burns hasn't passed away yet.

Huh? Oh, right.

So I guess you're in okay shape, huh?

No heart problems or anything?

Well, I--

-Boo! -(groaning)

I'm okay.

Now that you've all agreed to reap the windfall of my death,

I must return to my large, empty mansion

to rattle around and await the inevitable alone.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Let's push him down the steps.

No!

You know, Bart, since he is giving you all of his money,

maybe it would be nice if you spent some time with him.

-Well-- -Come on, honey.

All right.

How come Bart gets to do that,

and I can't spend one night lurking in the bushes

outside Chef Boyardee's house?

Bart, I know you children see me as some sort of "booger man,"

but, uh, I'm really not such a bad dude.

Oh, your milk's gone cold. I'll ring for the maid.

Whoa! (muffled grunting)

Oh, sorry. Wrong button.

Um, I think I'd like to go home.

Oh, if you stay, you can have anything you want to eat,

even some sort of gelatin dish.

It's made from hooves, you know.

Anything, huh?

Okay. I want pizza,

and I want it delivered by Krusty the Clown.

-Hmm. -Hmm.

Hey, it's Krusty the Pizza Man!

All right. Where's my 400 bucks?

Hey, wait.

How can you be here when your show's on live?

Ah, I just threw on an old rerun.

No one will know the difference.

Huh? Huh? Huh?