Parks and Recreation

- MR. HOTATE, HI. THANK YOU FOR COMING.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME WATER?

- WATER? LIKE FIRE WATER?

THAT'S RACIST, AND I DO NOT APPRECIATE IT.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.

I JUST MEANT, YOU KNOW--

- I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

- OH, MY GOD! -

HE'S FUNNY. THIS GUY'S FUNNY.

HE DOES THAT SOMETIMES. - BUT SERIOUSLY.

I'LL HAVE A WHISKEY.

- KEN HOTATE IS THE LEADER OF THE WAMAPOKE PEOPLE,

AND WE ARE TRYING TO GET THEM INVOLVED

IN OUR PAWNEE COMMONS PROJECT.

KEN AND I GET ALONG GREAT.

BUT HISTORICALLY, PAWNEE'S RELATIONSHIP

WITH THE WAMAPOKE HAS BEEN MORE...

MURDER-Y.

- WHAT ABOUT--AND I'M JUST SPIT-BALLING HERE--

A LARGE NEON ADVERTISEMENT FOR THE WAMAPOKE CASINO?

WE HAVE A NEW SLOGAN

"OUR SLOTS ARE DOWNRIGHT FILTHY."

- I THINK IT'S A SLAM-DUNK IDEA. I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.

- I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK WE ARE.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE COULD PUT THAT IN A PUBLIC PARK.

- IN THAT CASE, THE PLAYGROUND WILL BE GREAT.

WHY DON'T WE RETIRE TO MY LONGHOUSE

AND SMOKE THE CEREMONIAL PEACE PIPE TO CELEBRATE?

- IS HE JOKING? - I DON'T KNOW.

*

WELL, WELL, WELL.

IF IT ISN'T MR. BEST MAN AND BACHELOR BOY.

- ANN PERKINS, MAID OF HONOR,

ARE YOU READY FOR THE BACHELORETTE PARTY?

UH, MORE THAN READY.

WE'VE GOT DANCING, JELL-O SHOTS,

PRIVATE KARAOKE,

AND ANYTHING THAT CAN BE PENIS-SHAPED

WILL BE PENIS-SHAPED.

- OHHH! - WHAT?

AS LESLIE'S MAID OF HONOR,

I REALLY NEED HER BACHELORETTE PARTY TO GO WELL.

WHICH IS WHY I'M STRESS-EATING GUMMY PENISES.

- WHAT ARE YOU LOSERS DOING FOR YOUR BACHELOR PARTY?

- I TOLD BEN HE COULD DO WHATEVER HE WANTS.

SKY IS THE LIMIT.

WE HAVE HAVERFORD, SWANSON, DWYER--

JERRY FORCED HIS WAY IN THERE SOMEHOW--

THINGS ARE BOUND TO GET CRAZY.

- THE GAME IS SETTLERS OF CATAN.

THE OBJECT IS BE THE FIRST TO BUILD A CIVILIZATION

ON THIS FICTIONAL ISLAND.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

FOR YOUR BACHELOR PARTY.

- LOOK, GUYS, WE DON'T HAVE TO PLAY THIS GAME

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

I MEAN, I'M NATIONALLY RANKED,

SO IT ISN'T EVEN REALLY FAIR.

BEN, THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.

WE DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

COME ON, LET'S PLAY.

- I'M NOT A BIG BACHELOR PARTY KIND OF GUY,

SO WHEN THE GUYS ASKED ME WHAT MY PERFECT NIGHT WOULD BE,

I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH-- BEER AND BOARD GAMES.

THEY THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING.

I WAS NOT KIDDING.

- IS THIS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE COOL BACHELORETTE PARTIES

WHERE THINGS GET OUT OF CONTROL AND WE MURDER SOMEONE,

AND THEN WE ALL HAVE TO TAKE A BLOOD OATH

TO NEVER REVEAL OUR SECRET?

NO.

- THEN I MIGHT HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY.

WHAT THE HELL?

WELL, WELL, WELL.

DON'T YOU LADIES LOOK NICE... FOR ONCE?

JUST KIDDING. I'VE ACTUALLY ALWAYS BEEN

ATTRACTED TO THIS ONE.

- JAMM, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

- WE'RE LAYING THE GROUNDWORK

FOR PAWNEE'S NEWEST RESTAURANT.

- "FUTURE HOME OF PAUNCH BURGER.

START DROOLING, FATTIES"?

- LOOK, THE DEAL WAS THAT BOTH OF US

HAD THREE MONTHS TO GET OUR PROPOSALS TOGETHER,

AND THEN WE PUT IT UP FOR A VOTE.

WE STILL HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT. - YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

HOWEVER, HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

TURNS OUT, I DON'T CARE.

YOU CAN'T STOP THIS TRAIN.

MAKE ALL THE RUCKUS YOU WANT.

BY THE TIME THIS ALL GETS CLEARED UP,

THE PEOPLE WILL BE FROTHING AT THE MOUTH

FOR THAT BEEF.

- AW, SWEET! A NEW PAUNCH BURGER.

- THEIR BURGERS WILL KILL YOU! THEY'RE FULL OF WASPS!

- YEAH, BUT THEY TASTE REAL GOOD.

YES, THEY DO, SIR.

- ONCE AGAIN, OPEN INVITATION.

I'M STILL TECHNICALLY MARRIED, BUT MY WIFE KNOWS THE DEAL.

UGH.

- OH, I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THIS?

SEVEN CONTIGUOUS SEGMENTS, GIVING ME LONGEST ROAD

AND A SWEET-ASS TEN POINTS FOR THE WIN.

OH, BOOYAH!

- OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

GUYS, COME ON OVER HERE. GATHER ROUND.

I WANT TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

TO OUR NEW LORD OF CATAN,

BEN WYATT, A GREAT FRIEND

AND A WONDERFUL MAN.

MAY YOU AND LESLIE FIND ETERNAL HAPPINESS TOGETHER.

- HEY. - OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

- THANKS, YOU GUYS. THANKS FOR INDULGING ME.

HEY, YOU WANT TO STICK AROUND?

I GOT A BUNCH OF HOMELAND EPISODES

BURNING A HOLE IN MY DVR.

NO!

I'M SORRY. ON PRINCIPLE,

I CANNOT STAND IDLY BY

AND WATCH A BACHELOR PARTY PETER OUT LIKE THIS.

NOW, I KNOW YOU SAID NO STRIPPERS

'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU SAD.

CORRECT.

- THEN LET'S GO GET A DRINK AT ESSENCE.

IT'S THE HOT NEW BAR IN EAGLETON.

THINGS MAGAZINE SAID IT'S THE NEXT BIG THING.

- BUT, TOM, THIS IS BEN'S NIGHT.

- OH, BELIEVE ME, IF THE GROUP'S HAPPY, I'M HAPPY.

- I'D GO. - IF YOU GUYS SPOT ME.

IT SOUNDS EXPENSIVE.

JUST SO YOU KNOW,

IT'S NOT YOUR TYPICAL BAR.

THEY SPECIALIZE IN MOLECULAR MIXOLOGY.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE AN EXPERIMENTAL NEW WAY

TO CONSUME ALCOHOL.

- SON, THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO CONSUME ALCOHOL.

HERE'S YOUR BUD LIGHT.

- I ORDERED A BEER. - THAT IS A BEER.

AND HERE'S YOUR NIMBUS MARTINI.

MAY I GO AHEAD AND CHISEL YOUR AROMASPHERE?

PLEASE!

- THIS IS THE WRONG WAY TO CONSUME ALCOHOL.

- WHOA, THAT'S A PRETTY STIFF CLOUD.

- WHO ORDERED THE SCOTCH? - RIGHT HERE.

- HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS, PLEASE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- OH, THIS IS A SORT OF PLAY ON SCOTCH.

IT'S A WHISKEY-INFUSED LOTION.

- CAN I ASK IF THIS ENTIRE ESTABLISHMENT

IS A PRACTICAL JOKE OF SOME KIND?

- IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE SCOTCH, THEY HAVE A VODKA

THAT'S SERVED IN THE FORM OF A FLASH OF LIGHT.

HEY.

HAVING FUN?

- WELL, FOUR YEARS OF WORK DOWN THE DRAIN,

AND I HAVE A PENIS ON MY HEAD.

JAMM IS STEALING THIS LOT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER US.

MY DREAM IS DEAD, ANN. - MINE TOO.

THIS IS WHY I PREFER NIGHTMARES.

- YOU ARE SAD DRINKING RIGHT NOW,

AND I NEED YOU TO BE HAPPY DRINKING.

LIKE WHEN WE WATCH GREASE TOGETHER.

- I KNOW, ANN, BUT EVERYTHING'S GONNA DISAPPEAR.

APRIL'S MINI-DOG PARK, THE LI'L SEBASTIAN FOUNTAIN,

EVEN THE WAMAPOKE PLAYGROUND.

YET ANOTHER PIECE OF WAMAPOKE LAND

PLOWED OVER BY THE WHITE MAN.

- JUST TRY TO FORGET ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP THEM TONIGHT.

- FOR ALMOST 200 YEARS, PAWNEE REPEATEDLY BUILT

FACTORIES, RESTAURANTS, AND OTHER STUFF

ON LAND HELD SACRED BY THE WAMAPOKE PEOPLE.

SO WE PASSED A LAW

SAYING THAT IF ANY SACRED WAMAPOKE ARTIFACT

IS FOUND ON A DEVELOPMENT SITE,

ALL CONSTRUCTION MUST IMMEDIATELY STOP.

IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN

ON THIS FUTURE PAUNCH BURGER SITE.

OH, THIS IS BAD.

I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS.

[hip-hop music playing, doorbell rings]

- OH, I WONDER WHO THAT IS.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T BABE LINCOLN!

IMAGINE THAT. - HELLO, LADIES.

I'M ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

WHO'S THE LUCKY MARY TODD?

- RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE.

AH, AH, AH, ME FIRST.

ME FIRST. - OH, OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT, TEAR IT UP, 16!

EMANCIPATE THEM ABS.

COME ON, ANN, NOT NOW.

- COME ON, LESLIE, JUST LOOSEN UP.

I KNOW FOR A FACT

THIS IS A SEX DREAM YOU'VE HAD.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME

FOR THE GETTYSBURG UNDRESSED!

OKAY.

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO STOP NOW.

I'M SORRY, I'M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD