The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy - Eposode 1.1 1981 English

'This is the story

'of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The...

'perhaps the most remarkable,

'certainly the most successful book

'ever to come out of the great publishers of Ursa Minor.

'More popular than The Celestial Home ('are Omnibus,

'better selling than Fifty-three More Things To Do In Zero Gravity,

'and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy

'of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong,

'Some More Of God's Greatest Mistakes

'and Who ls This God Person Anyway?

'And in many of the more relaxed civilisation:

'on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy,

'the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted

'the great Enqdopaedia Galactica

'as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom,

'for though it has many omissions and contains mud! that is apocryphal

'it scores over the older, more pedestrian work

'in two important respects.

'First, it is slightly cheaper and, secondly, it has the words:

'inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover.

'To tell the story of the book,

'it is best to tell the story of some of those whose lives it affected.

'A human from the planet Earth was one of them,

'though, as our story opens,

'he no more knows his destiny

'than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company.

'His name is Arthur Dent, he is a six-foot-tall. ape descendant,

'and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his home.'

Come off it, Mr Dent - you can't win, you know.

You can't lie in front of the bulldozers indefinitely.

I'm game. We'll see who rusts first!

You're going to have to accept it. This bypass has got to be built.

Why': it got to be built?

What do you mean - why': it got to be built?

It's a bypass! You've got to build bypasses.

You were entitled to make suggestions or protests at the appropriate time.

Appropriate time?!

The first I heard about it was when a workman arrived yesterday.

I thought he'd come to dean the windows.

He said he'd come to demolish the house!

He didn't tell me straight away, of course.

He wiped a couple of windows and charged me £5! Then he told me!

But, Mr Dent, the plans have been available

in the planning office for the last nine months!

Yes, of course. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to see them.

You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to draw attention to them!

But the plans were on display!

On display? I eventually had to go dawn to the cellar!

- That's the display department! - With a torch!

- No lights. - No stairs!

- But you did see the notice? - Oh, yes.

It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet,

in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door, 'Beware of the leopard!'

Ever thought of going into advertising?

And you don't get me like that either!

Mr Dent...

have you any idea haw mud! damage this bulldozer would suffer

if I were to let it run over you?

How much?

None at all!

'By a strange coincidence, 'None at all'

'is exactly haw mud! suspicion the ape descendant Arthur Dent had

'that one of his closest friends was not descended from an ape,

'but was in fact from a small planet

'somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.

'Arthur Dent's failure to suspect this

'reflects the care with which his friend blended into human society,

'after a fairly shaky start, when he first arrived 15 years ago.

'The minimal research he had done suggested to him

'that the name Ford Prefect would be nicely inconspicuous.

'He will. enter our story in 30 seconds and say,

"Hello, Arthur.'

'The ape descendant will greet him in return

'but, in deference to a million years of human evolution,

'won't attempt to pick fleas off him.

'Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors

'and never invite them to dinner.'

Hello, Arthur.

Ford, hi. Haw are you?

Fine.

Look, are you busy?

Busy?! Well. I've just got this bulldozer to lie in front of,

or it'll knock my house dawn, but otherwise no, not especially. Why?

- Good. Anywhere we can talk? - What?

- We've got to talk. - Fine! Talk.

And drink. It's vitally important that we talk and drink. Now!

- We'll go to the pub. - You don't understand.

He wants to knock my house dawn.

- He can do it whilst you're away. - I don't want him to!

Ford? What's the matter?

Nothing... nothing's the matter.

I've got to tell you the most important thing you've ever heard.

- I've got to tell. you NOW in the pub. - why?

- Because you'll need a stiff drink! - No! No! What about my house?

- He wants to knock your house dawn? - Yes.

- But you're lying in the way? - Exactly!

I think we can come to some arrangement.

- Excuse me! - Hello? Yes?

Has Mr Dent come to his senses yet?

('An we, for the moment, assume he hasn't?

Well?

('An we also assume that he's going to be staying there all day?

SQ?

So all your men are going to be standing around, doing nothing.

Could be, could be...

If you're resigned to that, you don't actually need him to lie there?

Not as such. Not exactly 'need'...

So pretend he's there. Then we could go to the pub. How does that sound?

Er... that sounds perfectly reasonable I suppose.

And if you want to pop off for a quid; one yourself later on,

we'll. always cover for you in return.

Yes, thank you very much. That's very kind.

So if you'd just like to lie dawn...

What?

It's very simple.

Mr Dent will stop lying in the mud

- on condition that you take over. - What?

5orry??

You want me... to come and lie dawn there?

- Yes. - In front of the bulldozer?

- Yes. - Instead of Mr Dent?

- Yes. - In the mud?

In, as you say, the mud.

In return for which, you will. take Mr Dent down to the pub?

Yes.

Promise?

Promise.

- Get up and let the man lie dawn. - Thank you.

And no sneaky knocking Mr Dent's house down while he's away.

The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate

about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.

- But can we trust him? - To the end of the Earth.

- Yes, but haw fars that? - About 12 minutes away.

Come on. We've got to get some alcohol

'Here's what the Enqdopaedia Galactica has to say about alcohol

'It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid

'formed by the fermentation of sugars,

'and also notes its intoxicating effect

'on certain carbon-based lifeforms.

'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy also mentions alcohol

'It says the:

'..the effect of which

'is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon...

'wrapped round a large gold brick.

'The Guide also tells you

'on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed,

'how much you can expect to pay for one

'and what voluntary organisations exist to help you rehabilitate.

'The man who invented this mind-pummelling drink

'also invented the wisest remark ever made, which was this:

'His name is:

'and we shall learn more of his wisdom later.'

Six pints of bitter. And quickly, please. The world's about to end.

Oh, yes, sir? Nice weather for it.

- Going to the match today, sir? - No. No point.

Foregone conclusion, then?

- Arsenal no dunce? - No, the wand': about to end.

Oh, yes, sir. So you said. Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did.

- No, not really. - There you are, sir. Six pints.

Keep the change.

What? From a fiver? Thank you, sir!

You've got ten minutes to spend it!

What the hell's going on? I'm losing my grip on the day.

- Drink up. Three pints to go! - Three pints? At lunchtime?

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

Send that in to the Reader's Digest. There's a page for people like you!

- Drink up. - Why three pints?

Muscle relaxant. You're going to need it.

Did I do something wrong this morning

or has the world always been like this,

and I was too wrapped up in myself to notice?

I'll try to explain.

- How long have we known each other? - Er, five years, maybe six.

Most of it made some kind of sense at the time.

Haw would you react if I told you I'm not from Guildford after all.

But from a smell planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?

Why - do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?

Drink up. The world is about to end.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

'On this particular Thursday.

'Things were moving through the ionosphere.

'Many miles above the surface of the planet,

'several huge yellow slab-like something's...

'huge as office blocks, silent as birds,

'they hung in the air exactly the same way that bricks don't.

'The planet was almost totally oblivious of their presence.

'They went unnoticed at Goonhilly,

'they passed over Cape Canaveral without a blip,

'and Woomera and Jodrell Bank looked straight through them.

'A pity, because it was the sort of thing they'd looked for for ages.

'Arthur Dent, too, had other things on his mind.'

What's that?

- They haven't started yet. - Good.

- Probably your house. - What?

- Five minutes to go. - Damn you and your fairy stories!

Stop, you vandals! You home Wreckers!

- You half-crazed Visigoths, stop! - Arthur! Stop! It's pointless!

Barman, quickly, can you just give me four packets of peanuts?