Carry On England

Here it is, gentlemen. The big problem.

13-13 Experimental Battery.

I can tell you now, we've had orders to solve it from the top seat.

You mean WC?

WC. The top seat.

As you know, we've tried everything.

Brilliance, outstanding personality, sheer naked courage.

The time has come to try something else.

- Oh? And what's that, sir? - Sheer bloody ignorance.

How long are you going to be, then...sir?

How long? When one is sent for by one's brigadier

to discuss a mission which is so hush-hush that even oneself doesn't know what it is,

- one might be hours. - Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir.

- I beg your pardon? - Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir.

Corporal, the enemy is poised to strike across the Channel.

The country is fighting for its life and you want to pop down the NAAFI?

- Well, in that case, I'll forget it. - I'm very pleased to hear it.

I beg your pardon...sir.

Who are you, and what the devil are you doing?

Captain Melly reporting, sir.

Brush yourself down! Follow me to the conference room.

All right! All right! Why the bloody fanfare?

Watch it, mate. New commanding officer.

Blimey!

Corporal...that man. He was wearing lipstick.

Lipstick, sir? Where?

- On his face. Where do you think? - It must be a burn or a scar, sir.

- I hope you're right. - So do I.

Frilly curtains? Baskets of flowers?

- Brassieres? - Pardon, sir?

- Knickers! - Same to you...sir.

- Captain Melly. - No, you must have come to the wrong place.

My name's Bull.

No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly.

Pity. Have a drink.

Now, look here, Bull. I'm your relief.

- And there are certain things that... - My relief?

Oh, you little beauty!

I could kiss you!

My re...! Oooh, my relief!

I've got to go. My relief...

He actually kissed me!

My case!

I say!

My case!

Welcome to 13-13 Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir!

All right.

Sergeant Major Bloomer, sir. "Tiger" to the troops.

I can do that!

- Sergeant Major Bloomer, do you think...? - Sir?

- Get inside. - Me, sir?

- Yes, you. sir! Get inside at the double! - Hargh!

Drop your trousers!

But, sir, we has only just met.

Drop 'em! That's an order!

Hah!

- I see. - Do you, sir?

Sergeant Major, may I ask you a question?

Sir, may I pull up my trousers?

What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get 'em up.

What I want to know is...

what men in this unit would wear the kind of underwear I've seen on the line?

Good Lord!

Some of them are wearing skirts too!

They is not men, sir.

Well, what the blazes are they?

Women, sir.

You mean, female?

Yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir?

This is one of these new mixed batteries.

So, that's what the brigadier meant when he said that this battery was an experiment.

Experiment, sir? They does not need to experiment.

They gets at it right away and all the time.

All right, then. Section, halt.

Oh, come on! Come on. Put each other down.

Hang about! Hang about!

We don't want to give our new CO the right idea, do we?

Right, right turn.

- What's next? - Right dress, Leonard.

Oh, yeah. Er...right dress.

Two inches shorter and he could see right up my skirt!

- What's your name, Sergeant? - Willing, sir.

- And yours? - Able, sir.

Well, Willing and Able, will you kindly tell me

why it is necessary for you all to be squashed up like sardines in a tin?

It's just our way of keeping warm, sir.

On the hottest day of the year?

We've known it hotter than this, sir.

Dress properly! What do you think this is? A love parade?

Hee-hee-hee! Very witty, sir.

You speak when you're spoken to. Do you hear me?

Adjust your dress!

No, no, no! One arm's length apart.

- Did you demonstrate this, Sergeant Major? - Frequently, sir!

- Then do it again on me. - Hah!

Parade. Doing as I do!

Right dress!

As you were. Watch me. Watch me! Right dress!

Doing as I do! As you were! As you were!

Did you not you see what I was doing? Right dress! As you were!

Not as they were. Leave them as they are, Sergeant Major.

But, sir, as they are is horrible, sir!

You're ruining my shoulder, Sergeant.

Sorry, sir.

It comes of gripping balls, sir.

- Eh? - Always has one of these to hand, sir.

- Fingers of steel, sir. Fingers of steel. - Put it away. Let's get on with the inspection.

You up there, what's your name?

Oh, erm...Ready, sir.

Ready.

Ready, Willing and Able.

- This is ridiculous! - (Mumbles)

- What are you doing? - Twitching, sir!

I can see that, Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?

It's my woor-uhhhhh...

Woorghhhh! It's my nerves, sir.

Trying to twitch your ticket, eh?

Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the Army for the duration.

Twitch your way out of that!

Oohhh...eerrrggh!

- Ready! - (Screams)

Twitch off!

It's wasted on me, boy.

Good Lord!

Good heavens!

Good man. And what's your name?

Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse, sir. It's my name.

And what is your name, my man?

Er...woman?

Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, sir. The Sharpe with an E and two Fs in the Ffoukes.

How do you do?

She too is a ball squeezer, sir.

Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe!

- Ooooh! - Oh, Tiger!

I think you're wonderful.

When are you going to savage me?

If only you was a man, I would sort you out!

Well...you seem to have put your foot in it.

Not so much my foot, sir. More my big toe.

What's wrong with it?

Sprained it, sir, didn't I? When I...erm...fell out of bed.

- Pushed out of bed more like! - Pushed out?

- (Both giggle) - What are you laughing at?

Well, I'm happy, sir.

Happy? What, here?

He might have sprained something else, mightn't he?

- Are you trying to be funny, Gunner? - Me, sir?

You, sir. Why are you blinking like that?

- I'm not blinking, sir. You are. - I never blink.

- Neither do I, sir. - You blinking well do!

Sergeant Major, which one of us two is blinking here?

There is only one blinking man blinking here, Gunner, and that's bloody you!

Thank you, Sergeant Major.

And if I catch you again on parade wearing my moustache...that moustache,

you'll be on charge for impersonating an officer.

Ooooh!

Later, sir. Later.

Who are you?

- Easy, sir. - Quite possibly. What's your name?

That is it, sir. Alice Easy.

Oh.

Well, do your top button up.

I can't. They won't let me.

- Who? Who won't let you? - Them.

Oh, nonsense. Do 'em up...erm...it up.

Good gracious me! Stand to attention, you're on parade!

Put those shoulders back!

Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir.

Regular?

- I've been regular for 18 years. - Oh, good.

- That means I can have it back tomorrow. - (Swallows hard)

- You'll have it back when I'm ready. - That's all right.

No need to strain yourself.

You are a shower!

A shambling shower!

And I mean to shake you up more than somewhat!

- Sergeant Major? - Hah!

Dismiss this shambling shower from my sight.

Hah!

Parade! Right turn!

As you were! As you were!

You stupid f...

How is I expected to use the proper words with women present?

Never mind. Never mind.

Just f...

Forget it.

Go away.

Ah, yes, sir. They gives me a headache too.

It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it.

What you might now call a belly button, sir. Hee-hee hee-hee!

Oh, shut up!

20 year I've been a sergeant major and nobody told me to shut up before.

I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir...

- Shut up! - Hah!

Now, Sergeant Major,

what, in your opinion, is the thing most calculated to make things hot for this shower?

Well?

What's the matter with you, man? Have you been struck dumb?

- I asked you a question. - Sir.

- Have I got permission to break the silence? - Of course you have.