Superstore

Good morning, Store 1217.

We have a very exciting surprise today.

Zephra has sent us a little break room upgrade

just to say "Welcome to the Z-Fam."

They asked me to say it that way,

and I'm happy to.

Okay, let me guess.

Ah... It's a pipe organ.

Oh, my gosh, I can call Judy from the church

and she'll give us lessons,

though you have to practice

'cause otherwise you're just wasting her time.

Don't need Judy. Not a pipe organ.

Oh, I like this game.

Is it bigger than a dog?

It's clearly bigger than a dog.

You don't know what dog I'm thinking of.

I actually know what it is 'cause I helped set it up.

Well, we're all about to know what it is, so...

I knew from before. I knew, like, two hours ago.

Okay, I'm gonna need more data before I guess.

Otherwise, you're just giving me a free chance to be wrong.

Nobody's asking anybody to guess.

Okay, Mateo, on three. Ready?

- One... - It's a cereal bar!

Mateo, I just said...

It's a cereal bar!

That's way better than a dog.

But the dog that I was thinking of is massive.

Free cereal?

Boy, you can really tell we work for a tech company now, huh?

It's very disruptive.

Come on, peeps. Dig in.

Wait, wait.

What if I already filled up on breakfast?

Just don't eat?

Ah, man!

Or, like, eat anyway.

Yes! Thanks, Amy. I owe you one.

Huh, look at that.

People are literally whistling while they work.

That cereal really changed the mood of this place.

I don't know. For me, it just pales in comparison

to the health benefits and pay raises they gave us.

What do you... oh, I get it.

You're being annoying. It's a small thing,

but it makes peoples' day better.

They're just distracting us with shiny objects.

Look, Jonah, I get it.

Cloud 9 has trained us to be very suspicious

of anything corporate does, but is there a small chance

that this could possibly just be a gift

to welcome us to the Z-Fam?

Be careful. Pretty soon, you're gonna be saying that unironically.

Saying what?

Z-Fam?

- Z-Fam. - Stop it.

- Z-Fam. - People are gonna hear you.

Ooh, wow. No annual fee?

Limited time offer?

Yup, very limited.

That's why the guy in the picture has a flip phone.

Hey, Garrett, listen.

The next guest in line,

the one with the Z-System, steps up,

I need you to act casual.

He's a scam artist.

He's been returning bogus items for months.

Wow.

Is this, like, a sting operation?

Can I help?

You can say thank you and move along like a normal person.

Yeah, okay, got it, got it.

Thank you.

Hey.

I'd like to return that, please.

Oh, sure, no problem.

I do need you to sign a form, as it is a high-ticket item,

so follow me and I'll get you your refund ASAP.

I'm just shopping.

Do you guys think this is real Lucky Charms

or the knockoff brand?

Real.

The fake stuff turns your milk green.

This milk is true blue, baby.

Classy move, Zephra.

Okay, guys, come on.

We're talking about a billion dollar corporation here.

I mean, how about giving us stuff

that actually has an impact on our lives?

Jonah has a point.

I saw some pictures of Zephra's headquarters.

It's so big, they have self-driving cars

to get around the campus.

We should all have those.

We wouldn't have to take the bus to work.

Well, I don't know

that they're gonna give every employee a car,

but what about a living wage?

Hey!

How are things over here?

Everyone happy with their cereal?

Yeah, everyone feeling "Grr-eat?"

Oh, my gosh.

Speaking of cereal, you sound just like Tony the Tiger.

- Right? - Yeah.

- You do! - Just like him.

- Amazing. - Impressions.

Yeah, no, I know. That's what I was trying to...

Oh, you really flipped this little closet.

Thank you.

Probably gonna have to take that plant outside for sun

every once in a while though.

Oh, right. Sun.

Mm-hmm.

This is already too much work.

Mm-hmm.

But it is better than being on the floor.

Plus I'm already tapped in

to the assistant gossip network.

Like, I heard...

Never mind. I shouldn't say anything.

Well, you want me to shut this door for you?

Okay, fine!

You know how Carol got suspended for...

attempted cat-slaughter?

Mm-hmm.

Terri from HR told me

that she got suspended with pay.

What?

I guess it's Zephra policy?

Like, they're so afraid of a lawsuit,

if they even hear the words "mental distress,"

they just give you paid leave, no questions asked.

- Seriously. - Yeah.

Also, she said that the manager at Hilldale has a micropenis.

So it's been a pretty busy morning.

Please have a seat.

I'll get right to processing your return.

All I need from you

is a confession.

I know you've been scamming the store for months.

What do you got?

Oh. Well, this is a handsome guy.

But I have no idea what you're talking about.

Then you won't mind if I open this.

It's your space.

You do you.

Whoa.

Rocks.

It's a good thing I'm returning that.

You guys should file a complaint with the company.

Okay.

- Listen... - Benny.

Listen, Benny, it's obvious

you've been doing this for a while.

You've got even weight distribution with the rocks,

noise dampening padding, industrial shrink wrap.

You're impressed.

Hardly.

Well, it's a shame I'm innocent,

because I would love to impress a woman like you.

You're just flirting with me to get out of trouble.

No, I'm flirting with you to get into trouble.

Oh.

I feel like I'm in a full sweat.

I ate some ghost peppers earlier.

Just on toast.

Like to cleanse the system,

so I should probably just put my butt over a bowl, and...

Hey.

So the cereal bar is running low.

Someone should really be refilling that.

Yeah. I kind of thought that that someone would be you.

Right, or maybe, like, Justine or Sayid.

Anyway, Zephra also asked me to set up a video conference

in the break room this afternoon.

A video conference? Why?

The CEO is doing a bunch of surprise FaceTimes to Cloud 9s.

Just a five-minute meet-and-greet.

Oh. Okay.

Like, cool. That's exciting.

Do you think maybe they sent us the cereal bar today

just so we'd be in a good mood for the call?

Come on. No!

Why is everybody being so cynical about this?

Not everything is always half empty.

Except the cereal bar is.

We should really get on that.

- That's right. - Let me know what you decide.

No, I decided. It's you.

You have to admit, it is pretty convenient timing.

Can you just help me figure out how to play this?

Kira Moon isn't some stodgy Cloud 9 CEO.

She's young and edgy and fun,

and I think she's progressive.

Look at her profile pic. It's just a purple square.

That's gotta mean something.

You know, maybe this could actually be an opportunity.

No. No, Jonah.