8 Simple Rules

I want the truth.

I want the name of the bully that did this to you.

I told you, I ran into a locker.

Rory, I'm your mom.

You don't have to keep secrets from me.

Now, who did this?

All right, fine.

It was locker 212.

Rory, Cate...

So...

How's our bleeder?

He'll live.

But he still won't tell me who did it.

Well, Cate, I went to principal training camp.

Watch...listen...learn.

Rory...

Who did this to you?

I ran into a locker.

Okay.

Cate, let me see you outside for a second.

I don't think it was a locker.

So, it's inspector Gibb.

Hey, I didn't want to push him.

He's a freshman. He's embarrassed.

The other kid probably threatened him.

All right; I'm sorry

It's just sometimes I feel like I'm losing control of my kids.

How do you keep track of 500 of them?

Well, the underachievers, I write off immediately.

That really only leaves about 4 or 5.

Ugh, did you see the way

principal Gibb was smiling at mom?

He still so wants to date her.

I could never date anyone who wore that much corduroy.

Anyways, about tonight, I want to get to the Club by 7:00,

so we'll just tell mom we're going to the library and change in the car.

I don't think this is gonna work if this place is 21 and over.

Oh, no, no, you'll be fine.

It's 21 years, not 21 inches.

We're not 21 years old.

Okay, I'll get fake I.D.S. Come on!

You're not losing control.

You're a single mother with three teenagers,

one of whom you should be very proud of.

I will find out who did this to Rory,

and I'll call you.

Thanks, Ed.

Nurse Hennessy.

-Coach McAllister. -Principal Gibb.

Well, we all have names and titles.

Aren't we important.

Look, I've been going over this,

and I don't mean to be pushy,

but I still don't understand why we can't date.

All right, I'm gonna level with you.

Besides the fact that we're co-workers,

and that I am just not ready to date anyone yet...

This is supposed to be a secret,

but Bridget has a huge crush on you.

That's supposed to be a secret.

She knitted me this racket cover.

That was my favorite sweater.

Anyway, you can see why this just doesn't work for me.

Okay, how about a friendly offering?

Now, I know you have a sweet tooth,

and I make an incredible cheesecake, all right?-

Mom, it feels like I have three nostrils.

All right, honey, I'll be there.

It's just not the right time.

Totally understand.

It's got Graham-cracker crust!

Principal.

Coach.

Wow, that is quite a dent.

I think he was wearing brass knuckles.

Or a ring, judging from the

dainty, heart-shaped imprint.

So?

So lots of people wear heart-shaped rings

Brides, men who throw academy award parties...

Ninth-grade girls.

You think I was hit by a girl?

I didn't see you at Elton John's bash this year.

Fine, it was a girl.

Excellent.

Dad, let's go!

Please don't tell mom. I don't want anybody to know.

It will be our little secret

between me, you, and little Mary whoopass.

I don't want to go to dinner with Dorothy.

We always end up at one of those health-food joints.

Oh, come on, she's 85. Something's working.

It's probably that mug of bourbon she knocks back every day,

watching Regis and what's her name.

Oh, girls, while we're out,

I need you to go pick up Rory's prescription.

Oh, well, um, we told you we were gonna go to the library.

Bridget, you're going to the library?

Yeah, they've got "Cosmo Girl" on microfiche.

If you want someone to pick up drugs, I'm your man.

Not 'cause I do them, because I'm responsible.

So what park do you want me to meet this dude at?

It's the pharmacy, and it closes in an hour.

You know, maybe I should just skip aunt Dorothy's

and stay and take care of Rory.

I'm not gonna choke down some damn veggie casserole.

I'm gonna eat meat tonight

if I have to gnaw on her arthritic knee.

Maybe I'll go to Dorothy's.

Okay, here.

This is the fake I.D. You got me?

Shh!

This woman is 31!

I can't pass for that old!

Just stand in bad light and frown the way you do.

Yes, like that!

And this is me.

You stole C.J.'s driver's license?

Kerry, please, everyone looks bad on a driver's license.

How long do you think they're gonna be staring at the I.D.

When I'm the one holding the I.D.?

So, for tonight you are 'Hadassah',

and I am C.J.

Hi, C.J. I'm Shaun.

Mmm. Hi, Shaun.

Interesting.

Oh, do you know what she said to me?

Mmm; 'Me likey'.

So, you said you modeled.

Are you one of those super models?

Oh, that term is so pretentious.

I want people to feel they can approach me anywhere, anytime.

-C.J. - -Not now, Hadassah.

I don't normally ask a girl that I just met for her phone number,

and I don't know if you'd be willing to --

Oh! Here you go.

Well, I have been going on and on about myself.

Why don't you tell me something about you?

Well, I'm a cop.

Ladies; I.D.S, please.

C.J.; He's talking to you.

Excuse me, ladies, could I please see your I.D.S?

I don't think I like his tone.

Come on, Hadassah.

-C.J.? -Hey, little buddy!

What happened with my medicine?

Uh, I gave it to you.

Yeah, you're having a night terror.

Hoooo!

The pharmacist called.

-He called here? -He said you never showed up.

That dude's a liar. Of course, I went.

Then give me my medicine. My nose is killing me.

All right, well...

Here you go, got it right here.

There you go, top-of-the-line stuff,

very powerful painkillers.

These look like candy.

Yeah, they make them like that on purpose

so they're more appealing to children.

It's got an "M" on it.

Yes, for...Medicine.

Listen, take them with water.

You don't want them to melt in your mouth.

I'm telling you, that cop knows we have fake I.D.S.

And now he has our real phone number --brilliant.

I didn't know he was a cop, okay?

I just thought he was cute. Is that a crime?

At least we didn't run away and look guilty.

Oh, that's right, we did!

I know he's gonna call here and tell mom!

-We are so busted! -Maybe he won't even call.

Oh, it's me. Of course, he's gonna call.

Not if we make sure that when the phone rings,

we get to it before mom does. -Yes

Hi!

I thought you guys went to the library.

Uh, yeah, well, I read fast.

And all the picture books were checked out.

They actually were.

So, um, did anybody call for me?

Nope.

Well, I will be near the phone,

so none of you have to bother.

Oh, Hi, girls! You're home early.

What are we, on trial here?!

Mom, how was dinner with aunt Dorothy?

It was terrible. They had no dessert.

It's always, "I've got apples back home."

I'm a grown man. What the hell do I want with an apple?

Hi, mom.

Oh, Hi, honey.

Well, it looks like somebody's waiting for a boy to call.

-No. There's no boy. -And he's really cute.

There's no boy and we're not waiting by the phone.

Right.

How are you feeling?

A little better. C.J. brought me my medicine.

Thank you for taking such good care of him.

I'm crazy about the 'little tyke'.