South Park

All right, everyone. Listen up.

Today we're going to have a performance

by one of our students who has written a song.

The song is about his feelings

towards the current political climate with North Korea.

Put your hands together for Tweek.

We're all gonna die!

They have nuclear missiles! Aah! Aah!

Why are you just sitting there doing nothing?!

we have to get out of here!

North Korea wants to kill us all

and our president keeps making it worse!

Why are you all just sitting there?!

Why are all acting like nothing's wrong?!

North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead!

We have to do something! Do something! Do something!

All right, next up we have Hannah Williams

with her rendition of "Wheels on the Bus."

Dude, Craig, you've got to get Tweek to get ahold of himself.

He's freaking everybody out at school.

What am I supposed to do? He's your boyfriend, dude.

He's not gonna listen to me.

He never does when he's emotional.

Craig, let me tell you about relationships, okay?

If you don't have some fuckin' balls,

you're not going to get anywhere.

Doesn't matter if they're gay balls or straight balls,

if you don't take control of your side of a relationship,

you'll get walked all over -- Hey, babe. How you doing?

Oh, hey, baby. What's going on?

We still on for recess? Yup, I'll be there.

'Kay, babe. Love you.

I thought you said you broke up with Heidi.

I decided to give her one more chance.

But you said she was mentally abusive.

She is mentally abusive.

So then why did you take her back?

Because she said she was gonna kill herself.

All right, guys? There.

I broke up with her, and she called me, being all like,

"I can't live without you.

I'm scared what I'm gonna do to myself. Oh, God."

The bitch is crazy. What am I supposed to do?

Aah!

Tweek. Aah!

Dude, come on. You got to settle down.

I can't settle down! We're all gonna die!

We're not all gonna die. You're overreacting.

Everything's fine, okay?

Oh, God! The president just tweeted

that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us!

Why would he say that?! He's making everything worse!

Tweek... But North Koreans are gonna think

we all agree with the president!

Okay, so how about you write your congressman a letter.

That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead!

Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans.

I can't write in Korean

and they all think we're war-hungry anyway!

Okay, well, then why don't you just send something nice

to the North Koreans.

It'll make you feel better, babe.

Send something like what?! I dunno, like,

make them some croissants or something.

I don't know how to make croissants!

Well, what do you know how to make?

Mm...cupcakes!

All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey.

Okay!

Hey, Stan? Yeah?

Can I talk to you about Eric?

Cartman? Okay...

I just wanna make sure he's all right.

What do you mean?

I don't even know if I should be saying this but...

Eric said he was thinking about killing himself. What?

We broke up, and he called saying he was about to do it.

I'm still really scared for him.

Wait, Cartman said he was gonna kill himself?

I'll send you the voicemail if you promise to keep it private.

Totally.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Cartman: You have to take me back! You have to!

I'm gonna kill myself, Heidi!

I'll kill myself, and then you'll be sorry!

You'll wish you could have me back, but I'll be dead!

Please, Heidi! Please!

Okay, okay.

Really cool listening to people's private voicemails.

You sound like a dying pig.

That's great! I'm glad you guys think suicide is so funny!

Entrée.

Yes, Eric. How can I help you?

I don't think kids at this school

take suicide seriously enough and we need to raise awareness.

Well, unfortunately this week

is Distracted Driving Awareness Week at school,

so you might have a hard time.

Distracted driving? Who gives a shit about that?

A lot of people.

There's more deaths now because of people

on their phones while driving than ever before.

PC Principal, someone's life is at stake.

If I have to compete with distracted driving,

then that's what I'll do.

Huh? Oh!

A young homosexual boy known only as Tweek

has touched the hearts of many

by sending cupcakes to the North Korean government.

The little rascal apparently made a dent

with the North Korean dictator,

who is said to have loved the cupcakes so much

that he is started to make his own --

Oh! Ahh.

Huh?!

"U.S. President responds to cupcakes..."

The human interest cupcake story

has apparently be heard by the president.

Just moments ago, the president tweeted,

"I know that kid Tweek.

He's fucking with you, North Korea. Get a clue.

I'll bet he took a dump in the batter."

What?! Why would he say that?!

Tweek, calm down.

The president! He tweeted about me!

Why would he do that?! Did you see that?!

Yes, I did see that.

So I went and got you something to make things better.

What?! It's a fidget spinner.

It's supposed to help with anxiety. See?

A fidget spinner?! Did you read what the president tweeted?!

Woman: The president of the United States

just tweeted again, this time saying --

"I hope all children of America will stand with Tweek in saying,

'Go ahead and bomb us, Kim Jong Dong,

we fucking dare you!'"

Hey, guys. Take a minute to read about distracted driving?

Talk to all the grownups you know

about staying off their mobile devices

when they get behind the wheel.

Hey, guys -- got a second to help

stop distracted driving?

Thanks. -Hey, guys --

[ Music playing over intercom ]

Cartman: Hey, guys, let's a take a minute

and talk about suicide prevention.

There's probably someone right now at this school

thinking about killing himself, and it's not funny.

You better take it serious or he might actually do it.

I don't wanna live no more!

Only you guys can make a difference.

I don't care if you're black, white, gay, straight or trans,

I am going to kill myself

unless you all start taking it seriously.

Distracted driving my asshole.

Hey, Tweek. Aah!

How's it going with the fidget spinner?

Great! You seem a lot less anxious.

Things are finally turning around

for my little homosexual son.

What is that?! I'm not sure.

Aah! Aah!

Man: Yet no agreement has been reached

between the parties involved.