Rules of Engagement

Oh, my God. You're gonna be our surrogate, heh.

She's gonna be our surrogate.

-I know, I've been here the whole time. Heh.

-I'm just excited. -I'm excited too. I'll see you guys soon?

-Okay. -Okay.

Hey there. Russell Dunbar.

Pam Nelson.

I know a Pam Nelson. She finds me charming and adorable.

Oh, wait, that's you.

Wow.

Has that line ever worked?

Heh, we'll see.

No!

Can you believe it?

I mean, after all that searching, and she's perfect.

She was perfect when she left our apartment.

Let's go inside.

You know, I was thinking.

-Sometimes these things have-- -Inside.

And so Bartholomew Vader...

...named the device after his daughter, Ella, which is why we call it the elevator.

Really.

It has nothing to do with the fact that it elevates, huh?

No. In fact, Bartholomew almost named it after himself, the Barth Vader.

-Well, it was nice talking to you. -Yeah, you too.

So where are you headed?

Oh, really? I'm headed that way too. Uh, let's share a cab.

Oscar, did you see a blond lady with what looks like a smaller blond lady?

-Yes, I just got a cab for them. -Why, why did you do that?

-Because they tip me. -Ah.

If you'd like, I can explain what that means.

Pick up, pick up pick up. Yay. Voicemail.

Russell, the woman that you're with...

...is the surrogate that Audrey and I hired to carry our child.

Do not touch her. Stay off.

Get off her!

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Russell Dunbar's office.

Oh, hello Mr. Bingham.

What?

Oh, dear.

So you want me to track down my boss...

...before he pollutes your would-be surrogate.

Just another day at the office for Timmy.

Look, it's important.

Remember that time Russell touched one of Audrey's french fries?

Well, now, imagine if that french fry was gonna carry her child...

...and instead of touching it, he whips out--

Yes, sir, analogy landed.

I'll find him. Um....

My first stop will be the laser light show at the Planetarium.

He's into that?

No, he just finds that the show leaves women confused and disoriented.

He's into that.

Well, see, if he touches Pam...

...I'm gonna confuse and disorient his face.

And with that pithy bon mot from your rapier-like wit, I'm off.

What?

That is such great news.

We're so happy for you.

Yeah, congrats.

Hey, you know, we might use a surrogate too.

Why would we do that?

Well, with a surrogate, you won't get all big and bloated.

And let's be honest, we all know where the baby comes out, heh.

No, I don't. Where?

Don't make me say it.

Hey, there they are.

Oh, hey, congrats on the surrogate, buddy.

Jeff, where did you just go?

I just ran down the stairs and then, uh, back up again.

-Why? -That's great exercise.

It's great exercise.

You have to be in good shape if you're chasing a kid around.

What are you, a mind-reader? Because that's exactly why I was doing it.

You know, running the stairs could be the answer to my problem.

What problem?

Well, the other day my wallet fell out of my back pocket.

You know, and it used to fit all snugly in my pants, but....

My butt's getting smaller.

He's worried he'll end up like his dad.

You mean with a son who tells really dull stories?

No, his dad has just about no rear end at all.

It's lower back straight into legs.

It's almost to the point where he can't use a conventional chair.

Running the stairs could give me the rounded muscular buttocks I want.

That we want.

That's a great story. Let's end this visit on a high-note.

Congrats again, you guys.

Hey, what do you want to be for Halloween this year?

Can you believe we're that much closer to being parents?

It's freaky. Give me Pam's number.

-I wanna call her. -Why?

To thank her for letting us use her innards.

Oh, heh.

I like your enthusiasm, don't like "innards." Ahem.

-Voicemail. -Hey. Give it to me.

Pam, Jeff Bingham.

We already miss you and we want to talk to you, so call me back.

And, uh, for instance, say you're gonna do some activity.

Call me before you do the activity.

Call me.

And Audrey says hey.

What?

I'm excited about having a baby.

God, I-- Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this.

Whoa.

Yeah, it's pretty wild, huh?

I guess they started doing these shows in the mid-'70s, before I was born.

I'm young.

Yeah, it's hypnotic.

I'm actually starting to get a little dizzy and light-headed.

Really? That's wildly unexpected.

Maybe we should get out of here and go somewhere else.

Yeah, okay.

Wow. My neck's a little tight.

Hopefully the next place we go doesn't involve me staring up at the ceiling.

No. That'll be your call.

Come on, Jeff, keep up. Running the stairs was your idea.

Yeah. This is exactly how I was hoping...

-...it would play out. -Keep going.

I'm getting a call. Ah.

It's probably Death letting me know he's on his way.

It's a client. You go, I'll catch up.

Huh, if you can catch up.

If that's a challenge, consider it accepted, heh.

What a nightmare.

Timmy, what's up? You find Russell?

No. But thanks to the second-hand smoke, I have found a tasty buzz.

Come on, Timmy, you gotta keep it together, all right?

What's your next move?

We needed someone to stake out Mr. Dunbar's apartment...

...in case he brings Pam. I asked Jennifer.

Not Adam?

Uh, I tried, but he said he was busy.

Oh, hey, buddy.

It's time to start working my ass. Whoo!

That's too bad.

He could have made a valuable member of the team.

Well, I'm off to the hot-dog place on 72nd street.

Russell takes girls out for a wiener.

That's real subtle.

No, but if I don't get a chili cheese dog soon...

...it will assuredly harsh my mellow.

All right, Timmy, I'm in the hallway.

Excellent.

Excellent hot dogs.

So this is the place where hope and dignity go to die.

Jennifer, I knew you'd come around.

But I need about 20 minutes to reload.

Please tell me that you weren't just with a woman named Pam.

Let me think.

"Oh, Pam, oh, Pam, do it, Pam."

Yeah, it was Pam.

Wait, how did you know that? I only tweeted it, like, five minutes ago.

@RussellDunbar, you follow me.

Russell?

Yeah, babe?

-Is it all right if I take a quick shower? -Sure, babe.

Don't you need to go start the hidden shower cam?

Mm. No. It's motion activated.

You have no idea what you've just done.

All I've done is done made me-self pretty tired.

-Yay! Oh, no! Oh.

Jennifer, what's wrong?

You saw what?

Oh, my....

Hey, Timmy, what's up?

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Okay.

No pain, no gain, old man, heh.

Oh, no! Oh!

-Where's Russell? -Mr. Bingham, yes. Oh.

Hi there, I'm so sorry, but Mr. Dunbar is not available right now.

Um, of course you're more than welcome to leave a message...

...but, uh, I'm afraid you can't go in there, so, uh, heh....

Mr. Bingham is here to see you, sir.

Thank you, Timmy.

You defiled our surrogate.

I ought to smack that spray tan right off of you.

Won't work. I got burnt sienna, guaranteed for five days.

-Timmy get back in here. No.

Listen. Dude, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.