Guys with Kids

Guys with kids is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Gary?

I hurt everywhere.

Marny, last night, I fell asleep on the floor

and used a rotisserie chicken as a pillow.

What did we do?

Last thing I remember, I-- I climbed the Christmas tree,

and when it fell over, I tried to ride it like a bull.

Oh, Gary.

Gary.

Huh?

I think I'm gonna die.

Where are our children?

Oh, I'm pretty sure we left them with Nick and Emily.

Oh, come on, baby, these are things we should know.

No. No, no, no.

We went over there last night to pick them up,

and they said that they would keep them.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I hope we didn't embarrass ourselves.

Oh, impossible.

I don't get drunk.

I get awesome.

Hold on!

Here are your children.

Here is your bra.

Uh, can I get you guys some coffee or something?

After what happened last night?

We are so not talking to you.

Awesome!

Someone threw up in my bed!

When are Nick and Emily coming?

Emily's bringing the crackers, all I have is cheese.

This is madness.

They should be here any minute.

They were just taking their Christmas card picture.

You know, last year they were dressed

as reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh

with a caption that read,

"it's raining deer.

Hallelujah, it's raining deer."

There is no way they can sustain the level of cuteness.

Hi, everyone!

Yet they do.

I know there's been some talk

that I could not pull off green velvet.

I think we can all agree I've put those rumors to rest.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

I was just trying to finish up my holiday shopping.

Shopping. Huh.

I thought you just stole all the presents out of Whoville.

So pimp, leprechaun, or both?

Remember what we got each other last year?

- I do, a divorce. - Yeah.

Oh, okay. Tell it again, Chris. Please?

Okay, I will set the stage.

They just had a baby, hoping it would repair their marriage.

It didn't.

And...Go.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

We were getting ready for my office Christmas party.

You were complaining about how you hated my tie.

Yes.

Grinding my spirit down to a fine powder.

And then Sheila said...

- If that's the way you feel-- - No, no, no.

I do a much better you than you, apparently.

If that's the way you feel...

Then maybe we just shouldn't be together.

- Nick! - Nick!

But your divorce

was the best Christmas gift of all time.

Except for the Christmas gift you got me last year.

He saved a memento of every date we've ever been on,

and he made me a scrapbook of them.

So romantic.

He's so desperate.

You jest, Big G, but don't look too deeply into my eyes

because you may just fall in love.

Well, Gary and I definitely went all-out

with our present to each other this year.

Oh, my God, you guys

are finally taking that trip to Paris?

Better.

Both: We got a new dishwasher!

Come see, come see!

Oh, I'll just see from afar.

Shh, listen, listen, it's running right now.

- You can't even hear it. - Oh.

I can hear it.

What?

Well, I have, like, super hearing, yeah.

During college,

at my one-man show, Chris: Just a guy,

I was actually able to hear somebody

all the way in the back row whisper, "wonderful."

But this isn't romantic.

Oh, the thought of not having to rinse everything

before putting it in the dishwasher?

That gets me hot.

No, this stops now.

I am staging an intervention.

My Christmas present to you guys this year

is to help you spice up your marriage.

Well, thank you,

- but we're fine. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know, guys, I still have a couple DVD copies

of my one-man show, Chris: Just a guy.

We should make a night of it.

Yeah, the Daily Northwestern

called it "Unnecessary."

Oh, good, the idiot's not here.

Oh, yes, he is!

Fine.

Look, after dinner, I started thinking

about how it's been a year since we decided to get divorced,

and, well, I think it's only right

if I give you back our engagement ring.

Oh, great.

Now we have to travel to Mordor

and throw it in the fires of Mount Doom.

But, Sheila, I gave it to you

as a symbol of my undying love, which died.

Chris, just take it.

You know I always win.

You're gonna wind up with it eventually.

Not taking it, Sheila.

Fine.

I will be the mature one and keep the ring.

Think fast. No backsies.

You give me that ring, Frodo.

It's much too powerful.

Hey, guys.

Violet, go have fun.

Don't play with those little punks

who climb up the slide.

So what did you guys do last night?

Actually, you'll like this.

- We had a little bit of a date. - Yeah.

We sat in bed and read to each other. Happy?

Aw, I love that.

What did you guys read?

The dishwasher manual.

Cover to cover.

Turns out I know more Portuguese than I thought.

You're right, honey.

Their marriage has stalled.

- Would you stop that? - I can't!

I see you turning into my parents.

It starts with getting each other appliances,

and then you spend the next 40 years in a rut,

falling asleep in front of the TV.

Daddy?

Is his foot stuck?

Is it stuck?

Is it stuck?

Look, Emily, we are not in a rut, okay?

We're fine.

- We go on plenty of dates. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, like what?

We returned that stepladder to home warehouse.

- Mm-hmm. - We had a hot dog outside.

Hot dog combo outside.

And before that...

We took in some jazz music

in the waiting room of the boys' pediatrician.

Pretzel guy's here.

Look, let me plan a real date for you.

I'm kind of an expert at this.

We don't need you to plan our dates.

Guys, spending your Friday nights

watching people get murdered on Dateline

is not a date.

Fine. Then will you leave us alone?

- I promise. - Daddy?

Can I have a jungle gym for Christmas?

Sure, you know, you can have this jungle gym,

and we'll just keep it here.

Get off my jungle gym!

Okay, Ernie are you getting ready?

Because this is gonna be fun.

He is gonna just pop out.

Here it comes. Yeah?

Here it comes.

Any second now.

Just any second now.

This is--does not usually take this long.

I don't know what's happening.

What is happening-- oh!

Oh...

Oh, Ernie.

Once again, your father has chosen

the wrong person to engage.

[A Holly Jolly Christmas plays]

Oh.

Urgent. Sweet.