Secret Diary of a Call Girl

What I do is not so different from a conventional career, is it?

The same basic rules apply.

If you want to stay on top,

you need to be in control at all times.

One thing this job has taught me,

is that you can't lie back and expect things to just happen.

If you want to diversify,

you've got to grab your opportunities,

seize your moments, don't let them pass you by.

Timing is everything.

And you have to be versatile.

Transferable skills are a must.

And you thought you knew everything about me.

You're welcome.

Great disguise.

Enjoy. It's a triumph already.

Am I allowed to talk to you?

Yeah, but can you not pull that face?

You look like you're having a stroke.

I'm trying to be discreet.

- Why are you wearing a bow-tie? - What's wrong with it?

Nothing, it's just... not very you.

You've got to look the part. It was either this or a cravat.

Mmm.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the launch of atwood and Kalberg's latest title.

"The Secret Life of a London Call Girl"

makes no apologies for lifting the lid on the sex life of our capital.

It's not for the faint-hearted,

but it does make for a scintillating read

and we are extremely proud to be launching it tonight.

Woo!

The author passes on her apologies.

She can't be with us tonight.

If you read the book, you'll understand she has a busy schedule.

But we do have the pleasure of hearing an extract.

Guests with pacemakers may want to retire to the drawing room.

- I don't believe that. - I know.

They can't be real. Look at the size of them!

That's supposed to be me.

Talk about perpetuating a myth. This is ridiculous.

What?

It's good.

The first thing you should know...

Sorry.

Is that I am a whore.

Oh, Jesus.

Best take two.

I'm very high class, which means I charge by the hour...

And I charge a lot.

No money, no honey.

Never play until they pay.

Oh, come on, I've gotta be in here somewhere.

Fortunately, however...

it's only my manager who ever robs me blind.

No longer able to shake her own money-maker.

The terrible old tart takes 40% of our fees.

So if you want to know what really goes on behind closed doors,

come with me.

I'll tell you everything I know.

Woo!

Sounded good, didn't it?

Hey! Where are you going? It wasn't that bad.

To throw myself off the fire escape!

Apparently, she doesn't even exist.

It's all just part of a clever marketing campaign.

It's awful, isn't it? It's so misogynistic.

I'll bet it's written by a man.

Ah! I used to be a waitress.

Don't worry, it won't be forever.

One of my favourite clients.

A real gentleman.

Hello.

I was wondering if I could introduce myself?

Ben. Hi.

What's the point in staying there,

when there's some real fun to be had?

Can I...?

So what brings you here, anyway?

You don't work at the company, do you?

I'm in PR there. I'm sure I would have remembered you.

My friend wrote the book.

Actually, I'm here on her behalf,

because she's not here.

She's definitely not here.

- Your friend? - Yes. Yep.

Tell me more about this erm... friend.

Are you very close?

Yeah I guess we are.

But not like that.

Just mates.

- Tell the truth. - Sorry?

It's you, isn't it?

Hmm?

You are the London call girl.

I have read every word you've written

and i cannot tell you how it turns me on.

Just talk like you write.

Ok, but I've got to warn you... I do a lot of re-drafting.

Don't be modest.

I'm going to take off all your clothes.

Yes.

Then I'm going to er...

What? What are you going to do?

Gonna throw you on the bed.

Go on, then.

Wah!

You sexy bitch, you really turn me on.

Are you ok?

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Fucking hell!

Do you want to take a breather for a minute?

Yeah.

Maybe for just like five minutes, or something.

You know that section in the book

where Belle gets whisked off to Paris by a celebrity client?

Was that based on a true story, or did you just make that up?

That was true.

That wasn't in the book, Ben.

- Get dressed then, shall I? - If you wouldn't mind.

Yeah.

So are you going to keep me in suspense all night?

Hmm?

You've forgotten, haven't you? I knew it.

Sorry, erm... you're going to have to help me out here.

Is it your birthday?

No. Oh, my God. You've really forgotten, haven't you?

- What do you take me for? - Yeah.

Aaah!

Now, I saved the receipt

so, look, if it doesn't fit, or the colour isn't right,

- you have to let me know. - Yes.

- Can I open it? - Ok.

- It's perfect. - Yeah? Try it on.

Ok, but you can't look. I want you to have the full effect. Turn round.

Ready. Ta-dah!

- You look beautiful. - Yeah? - Yeah.

I think this even beats the King Kong snow-globe.

Yes!

Are you ok?

Not really, no.

So what is it?

I don't know. I'm just having a bit of a crisis of confidence.

Seriously? Are you for real?

- I mean, that was the best sex I've had in... - No, not with this.

Jesse...

Do you ever feel like you've bitten off more than you can chew?

- All the time. - Yeah?

What you do about it?

Well, I either spit it out or... swallow.

That's good advice.

You asked.

Keep it on. Ok.

Breezing through reception areas looking inconspicuous is my forte.

Well, usually.

At my publisher's office,

I feel I might as well be wearing a flashing sign that reads 'hooker'.

None of these people know the truth.

As far as they're concerned, I'm just another author.