New Girl

I can't. I can't do it.

Oh, of course you can and you will.

Okay, schmidt, we've been to 11 weddings in a row.

That's too many weddings.

I can't even get into the fridge anymore.

Aah!

I'm so hungry.

Why does everybody get to have a party

For everything in their life?

Why can't i have a party

For really dedicating myself to knitting this summer?

God, i hate that you knit. I hate everything about it.

Why? It makes me angry and scared all at the same time.

Just like when i hear the phrase,

"academy award winner anna paquin."

Jessica, you are going to this wedding. Well... Well...

And i'm gonna tell you why: Sexual intercourse.

Do you remember that?

You got to get back out there, jess.

The last mouth that you kissed

Was nick's mouth.

That was four months ago.

Think about that. That's horrible.

Hey. Is schmidt making fun of me?

Yes. Hi, nick.

Okay, cool. Just checking.

Are you wearing tap shoes?

I got 'em at the goodwill. I thought they were

Just really shiny dress shoes.

They're cool.

Coach: Hey, what do you guys think

About this belt? Like for a wedding gift?

Nick, coach, get in here.

Everybody in here.

Are we a man down?

I feel like there's one more of us.

Something going on in jess's room?!

I'm coming!

Just wait for me.

He's sore from police academy. I'm sore from police academy!

Okay, we have gone to wedding after wedding this summer,

And, with the exception of coach and myself,

None of us have truly taken advantage

Of the sexual opportunities that a wedding provides. Jess: Not true.

Wedding number seven, an unneutered dog ran after me,

So...

I made out with a bridesmaid.

Jess: You did? Yes.

She was wearing a hospital bracelet

And carrying a dead goldfish in a bag.

she was still a bridesmaid.

Coach: She looked like the snowman from frozen.

Hey, aim for the middle.

The ride's rough at first, but the body adjusts.

I'm all right!

I just rolled off the couch.

Winston, please!

I can't close my ass!

We are hooking up tonight, all five of us,

Including the gimp.

This is the last wedding of summer,

Which means it is our last chance.

Nobody meets anybody in fall... No.

Or winter. What, are you gonna gamble

On the unknown contents of a bulky sweater?

Not me.

Do you realize how important this is?

I do.

Winter... Is coming.

No one comes home alone.

You know what, yeah.

Yeah, i'm in.

She's in. We're all in.

Yeah. Yes.

I'm in.

I can't hear what's going on,

But i'm in.

All five of us out there together,

In the wild,

Getting some strange, like a sex fist.

I'm sorry, what? Mm, that's not what you mean.

What's a sex fist, now?

One, two, three, four,

Five of us, together, make a fist.

You're making a mistake right now. Schmidt, nick,

Coach, winston, jess-- sex fist.

When you put them all together, nick: No, that's not right.

Tearing our way through the reception.

Slow down. Are you listening to what you're saying?

isn't that sweet? It's a metaphor for togetherness.

It could just be a fist. All five of us

Sex-fisting our way...

Hi, everybody. Uh, i'm ted. I'm, uh...

I'm mark's best friend and his best man.

I-i've known mark since he was in diapers, you know?

Uh, and, by that, i mean junior year of college.

Ah, what about him, jess?

What? The best man?

Best man.

Get real, you clown.

I've been out of the game too long.

He's a wedding celebrity.

Everybody say hi to nana.

How great does nana look, everybody?

Give it up for nana.

Six months sober.

I'm kidding. Three months.

Jess, come on. Get in there.

What? You got this.

Think so? Yes, you got the bangs parted.

You're looking good.

Really? Yes.

Okay. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Stick your boobs out. Gotta turn the headlights on.

Ew! Schmidt.

But you got it.

Sex fist.

All right.

Hi.

Hi to you.

I'm coach.

Oh, my god.

You don't remember me?

Yeah...

Yeah, i remember...

Ooh... Ooh...

I'm good. Coach: It's the end of the wedding season.

We've got some repeats.

Oh, god. What is she doing here?

I thought she was in australia.

How do i look?

How-how jewish?

I mean, like, good jewish or bad jewish?

Oh, i won't say-- it feels like a trap.

Come on. Come with me.

I haven't told the guys

That you broke up with buster yet, 'cause, um...

I feel like i might have to tell schmidt

Outside a hospital,

Like, you know, when you give a baby

Peanut butter for the first time?

Yeah.

You're not doing this tonight.

What? You're not doing this tonight.

I'm not listening to you. You're not doing this tonight.

I'm picturing cece naked.

Stop doing this!

Cece has a boyfriend,

And your obsession with her

Is not good for you, man.

She's been away all summer,

And you have been killing it!

Mostly hand stuff.

Who had sex with a bridesmaid

On a 45-minute flight to san jose?

Me.

You were boarding group "d."

She was "b." how's that even possible?

Gotta think outside of the box, my man. Now get your little

White butt back out there

And finish the summer of sex that you started.

That's what i'm talking about.

Cece gone.

See that bridesmaid right there?

The pretty one? Schmidt: Sure do.

The foxy lady? Mm-hmm.

Well, you're going home with her tonight.

And i got your back. Look at that.

She looks like the girl from the commercial

Playing tennis with a tampon in.

Let's do it.

Hi. I'm jess.

Hi. I'm ted.

Cheers. Cheers.

So you're from wisconsin...

I'm sorry. Is this thing on?

You're making your throat like a microphone.

Yeah.

That's funny!

Thank you. Yeah.

Woman: I loved your speech. Oh.

Hi. I'm kat. Hi.

I'm ted. Kat: Really nice to meet you.

Yeah. Oh.

Excuse me.

My girlfriend's getting jealous.

Kat: Perfect specimen.

Ted is the only eligible guy here,

And we are his two best options for procreation.

Oh. I'm not trying

To intimidate you,

I just want you to know who you're dealing with

If we're both gonna compete for this man tonight.

What? Here are the facts:

I am technically a genius,

I have a photographic memory

And i lost my virginity to malcolm gladwell.

Okay...

Have you ever heard of plutoxic syndrome?

That's because i cured it.