This Is 40

This is awesome. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This is crazy.

Oh, my God! So incredible.

Do you want to know a secret? I took a Viagra.

What? This is awesome!

Why aren't I using this every day?

What'd you do? Wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop. What?

What's the matter?

"What's the matter?"

You just took a Viagra to have sex with me.

I thought it would make it better.

It was better. It takes some of the pressure off.

Because you can't get hard without a Viagra?

Is it because you don't think I'm sexy?

I thought you'd think it was fun

for me to super-size it for once.

That is the worst birthday present you could ever give someone.

I was just trying to go turbo for your birthday.

My hard-ons are still in analog. This shit's digital.

I don't want a turbo penis.

I like your medium-soft one.

Look, I can get it up. Just not that far up.

Come on. You were liking it. Forget it. Forget it.

Debbie, come on.

All right, you know what? I'll be honest with you.

Lately, my penis hasn't been getting as hard as it used to, all right?

And it's kind of freaked me out.

I don't know whether or not it's because I'm getting older or I'm losing testosterone.

No, it's what I told you. Your artery to your heart is clogged

because you eat so much junk food, and you have high cholesterol,

and that is directly related to your penis vein.

My "penis vein"? Where'd you get my penis vein?

There was a whole Dr. Oz about it.

Cholesterol is not clogging my penis vein.

Maybe I can't get a hard-on fully

because, you know, I keep my phone in my front pocket,

and it's radiating my balls. I'll give you that. That makes sense.

Where'd you even get it from?

A very safe and reputable farmacia.

Mexico? Mexico.

Look at this. You want that to go to waste?

Looks like a plant trying to reach the sun.

Okay, well...

I'll do it for 10 minutes,

but you have to figure out what to do with the other 4 hours.

Stop it. Dad, stop.

I love you.

Time to get up.

Your breath smells weird.

Wake up.

I really need you to wake up.

Wake up. Come on.

Time to wake up. Okay.

Whoo!

Ready!

Make a wish!

Hello, Sayid.

Can I watch Lost?

You can't handle Lost.

It's too violent, and you won't understand.

If I don't understand it, why can't I handle it?

Because you're 8.

I can handle it. I've seen a shark eat a guy on Shark Week.

Shark Week is fake.

No, it's not.

All of it is reenactments.

I know, but they...

And that's scary. You shouldn't be allowed to watch that.

They show the reenactments, but they actually happened.

It's gonna give you nightmares.

I can handle a nightmare. You're a nightmare every day for me.

Hey.

Don't eat that cupcake.

What?

The one you just put into the sink.

I saw you were hiding that.

This cupcake? You think I'm going to eat this cupcake?

Yeah. I so don't want this cupcake. Look.

You're still going to eat it. I'm going to eat that cupcake?

Just put it in the trash.

What would you like to do? Your choice.

Anything? Yeah, anything.

Just hang out with you guys.

Don't you want to get a massage, or do something fun?

40's huge.

I'm turning 38.

Okay, 38. We will move on.

Isn't it weird that our birthday is the same week,

and then we're going to have a party, and it's just for me?

No, I don't think it's weird at all.

Because you're turning 40 and I'm turning 38.

Come on, do you really want to be one of those ladies

who's just so insecure about their age?

And they lie, and then they gotta remember, and it gets all...

You don't get it. See, you don't understand how it works.

I don't want to shop at old ladies' stores.

I don't want to go to J. Jill and Chico's, and Ann Taylor Loft.

I'm not ready yet.

I need 2 more years.

That is so insane, it kind of makes sense.

What'd you get me for my birthday?

Wait a minute, I thought you said that

we shouldn't get each other gifts this year.

What do you mean?

You're supposed to get me a surprise gift.

This is a big birthday.

I'm turning 40.

Mom!

Mom, why can't I get new clothes?

What the fuck? Nothing fits me!

God damn it!

I'm going to go work out, I'll be back in about an hour.

Hey, did your father call to wish you a happy birthday?

No, but that's no surprise.

Come on. Coming.

You got to keep up with us, sweetheart. Yeah, I'm in.

That's why your body looks like your body

and her body looks like her body.

Before, after. Before, after.

You guys just go on without me. I'm just gonna...

I think I gotta...

Fuck.

Thanks for letting me join this team.

It's not really a team.

It's just a bunch of guys that get together and ride.

I know, I know. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hey! Bike lane, asshole!

It's always the guy in the fucking lnfiniti.

Good. See, you're getting tight here. Yeah.

This, we need to work on. Okay.

So, why on earth is Pete taking Viagra? What's going on?

I don't know.

I think maybe he isn't attracted to me anymore or something.

I don't know. Well, that is ridiculous.

If you were my girlfriend, I would not need a Viagra.

I would need an anti-Viagra pill...

To try not to get a boner.

But everyone gives you a boner.

Don't sell yourself short like that.

You give me a boner.

Barb doesn't give me a boner.

Maybe things are just getting stale.

That's why if maybe I work out really hard...

Maybe he'll be able to get a boner again.

Why do you need to have sex, Deb?

Sex is the number one thing people fight about.

You stop having sex, there will be no more fights.

I am living proof.

I have no sex,

and I am the happiest I have ever been.

I knew it. I knew you were not having sex.

I can see it on your face.

It's all...

Puckered and pained.

I'm enjoying our non-sex period, that's all I'm saying.

Don't you miss it?

I wouldn't know, because I don't have any feeling down there anymore.

I have nerve damage from my C-section,

so everything's just kind of...

She's numb down there.

I could sit down hard on a fire hydrant,

and I wouldn't even know that I was sitting.

I could get stung by a hornet down there, and I would not feel it.

You could put anything in there,

and I would not know what the object was.

I used to pee in a nice stream,

and now it just kind of goes like a shower head.

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

I think you need a family. Don't you want a family?

No, I think I want to Clooney it.

Clooney it? Yup.

He doesn't seem happy.

Yeah, he is.

No, he's lonely.

No, he's not.

See, I think he has sad eyes.

You sweet little thing, no.

He's doing sad, lonely eyes to get the next lady.

Look, I can do it, too. Watch.

I bet George Clooney is really lonely.

Just him and his pig.

You'd fuck him. I wouldn't.

So would you. I would.

I wouldn't feel it, but I would.

You'd fuck him with your numb vagina. Yes, you would.

Ocean's Thirteen Inches, that's what you'd find out.

Do you think?

I mean, that was idiotic, though. You have to understand that.

That's the one thing you don't do,

is tell her that you used Viagra.

I think that's even on the warning label.

We're in one of those phases where

everything that the other person says

just annoys the shit out of each other.

All the time. It's a blast. Don't worry about it.

You just gotta ride that out.

This sounds terrible.

Okay, I like it.

But...