Matt McCusker: A Humble Offering

Hey, babe. Come on, babe, seriously. Just a quick one.

Fuck off!

I'm not scared…

…Of dying and I don't really care

If it's peace you find in dying…

Well, then, let the time be near…

-Oh shit! -Oh! Oh! Oh!

Dude, I didn't see you there. I'm sorry. Oh! No, no. No, no. No, no!

God dammit, man!

Way down there I hear that it's cold way down there

Yeah, crazy cold way down there

And when I die and when I'm gone…

Oh shit!

Son of a bitch!

There'll be one child born in this world To carry on, to carry on…

Whoa! No!

Damn!

Oh shit!

Hey, guys. I'll give you 50 bucks for one of your bikes.

Give me your board!

Sorry, dude.

Here I go, ha!

Hey, hey

Here comes the devil

Right behind…

Oh! Watch out.

Look out, children! Here he comes!

Give it up for Matt McCusker, everybody!

Don't want to go by the devil

Don't want to go by the demon

Don't want to go by Satan

Don't want to die uneasy

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

Holy fuck, man.

Ontario, California.

This… this place is the best, man.

Everyone told me, "Don't fucking film in Ontario, California."

They said, "Don't film in the land of the most giant Mexicans ever."

I don't know what they're feeding you guys here, man.

Must be that nixtalized masa.

A lot of beautiful couples here. That's nice.

I like to see the couples, man. You guys are important to me.

I come to these shows and it's like… I think about you guys afterwards.

I'm just alone, shivering in my bed.

"I wonder what that guy in the Hawaiian shirt is doing right now."

"Kissing and touching his girlfriend."

It is crazy. I've been married for so long.

I can't even wrap my head around the concept of a girlfriend anymore.

Does anyone here… Do you guys live together?

-Yeah. -Okay, you guys live together.

Does anyone here have a girlfriend they don't live with?

Right there?

Yeah, that's… that's fucking crazy.

She just comes to your house and then leaves?

Like a hooker? That's…

That's nuts.

Living with a woman is crazy. Every man needs to do it, though.

It's good for a man. Every man needs that.

Like, a woman's critical gaze hovering over every aspect of your life.

Just following you around the house. Like, "What are you doing right now?"

After ten years, it wears you down, man.

Now, at the end of the day,

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I just stand in my kitchen like a Tesla robot.

Until my wife walks by and she goes, "Go to bed."

I'm like, "My bad, you're right, sorry."

"Sorry I was awake. Yes, shouldn't have done that."

And then you gotta seduce your wife. Nobody tells you that when you're little.

You gotta seduce your wife.

When I was a little boy, and I carried this idea into my adulthood,

I just assumed that, like, once you got married, it was on tap.

Not the case.

When I was a little boy, I would get jealous of my uncles.

I'd see them out at parties.

I'm like, "They can have sex with my aunts whenever they want."

"That's so cool."

"Oh!"

I was young. I didn't know which ones were my dad's sisters.

All mixed up, I don't know.

Yeah, it sucks, man.

Here's the thing. You gotta seduce your wife when you're married.

You gotta, like… You gotta come up with new tricks.

And after a while, it's just like… You just run out.

After ten years, I can take my best stuff,

my most surefire moves…

Nothing, man.

I'm talking high-level shit.

You know, like an ice-cold boner on her back in the middle of the night.

No effect.

It's like a fly landing on a horse's ass. She just twitches her muscle and…

It slips off.

And your wife, when you want to have sex with your wife,

like, that's the only person in the world you can have sex with.

And you'll come to them, and they're just like, "No."

It's not like we're at the grocery store.

I'm in the bread aisle, like, "Touch my dick. Quick, nobody's looking."

No, we're in bed. We're naked together.

At the end of the day, I'm like, "What if we combined our bodies

in mutual pleasure?"

"Remember our vows in front of our family? Wasn't that nice?"

"Should we have sex right now?"

Doesn't even bat an eyelash. She'll be like, "No!"

"Why would I do that with you?" I'm like, "Yeah, you're right. My bad."

It hurts, man.

Your wife will just look you in the eye and be like, "Nah, it's not happening."

And honestly, I don't feel bad because, like, here's the thing.

We are… Like, women aren't as horny as guys. I hate to say it.

A lot of women are like, "We're horny." It's like, "Yeah, kind of, dude."

"Kind of."

Like, you guys, like, just don't care, man.

And it's like… I'll tell my wife, I'm like, "It's been six days."

Like she has any idea what I'm going through.

And she'll just laugh at me. She's like, "You're ridiculous."

If she has her period, I can't be like, "Dude, you've had it for half your life."

"Fucking figure it out."

I would never. Because I think periods hurt. I believe her.

I'm like, "That's got to be horrible, terrible and, you know, uncomfortable."

But to put it in perspective, all that pain from a period,

that's one egg.

That's coming from one egg.

Guys, we have 70 trillion sperm cells…

…just fighting to the death in our bodies.

Like, "Move us the fuck out of here now!"

Just like dudes hanging off a helicopter. Like, "Drop us, we're going in now. Go!"

No, man. It's tough.

It's tough, man. You know, I'm a horny guy. And, you know, it's like…

I love my wife to death. And it's like she just really doesn't have any idea.

I can tell by, like, the ideas she comes up with.

She came up to me recently and she was like, "We should do a couple's massage."

I thought it was something else.

I was like, "If you're ready for that, I'm down."

No, it's just a regular massage. It's even worse.

A couple's massage is you and your wife in the same room in two twin beds

like brother and sister, like…

And then your wife falls asleep in, like, four seconds.

Just passes out on the table and you're left alone

to have the most harrowing sexual experience of your life.

You're just laying there. There's a lady massaging oil into your butt cheeks.

You're harder than you've ever been.

Hands down.

They whisper to you. They gotta stop that. They're whispering in your ear.

Like, "How's the pressure?"

I'm like, "It's pretty good. I'm pushing all the way down."

You guys realize the reason you're supposed…

The point of a massage…

You know what's supposed to happen? You're supposed to come.

Believe it or not.

After a stranger rubs your body for an hour,

you're not supposed to pop up off the table

and be like, "Pleasure doing business with you. Thank you very much."

"Back to work I go."

Yeah, I'm a horny guy, but here's the thing.

I've never cheated on my wife and I never will cheat on my wife, man.

I'm happy about that. But that evil energy is still in my body all the time.

I would never fuck around with my wife,

but if I see an attractive lady getting into an elevator 40 feet ahead of me,

it's like, I'm only human, I'm gonna walk as fast as I can.

Just to get in the elevator with her and smell her and stuff.

I'm being honest.

But once I'm in there, I'll, like, I'll use my evil for good.

I'll start protecting her in there.

"You know, there's a lot of creeps and perverts out there, ma'am."

"I should know. I used to be one myself."

Pow!

"If I could have one of your hairs as payment, that would be ideal."

"I'm gonna put it between my butt cheeks and take a walk later."

But the worst is when you just happen to get off on the same floor of the hotel.

That's when I feel really bad for the lady.

Because you get to the seventh floor and they get kind of cocky.

They're like, "Have a good night." You're like, "The night's not over."

From her perspective.

And it's pure coincidence.

She's room 713

and you're, like, 402 at the Days Inn a couple miles down the street.

But you swore an oath to protect her.

So you shall.

It's tough, man. I'm a horny guy.

I am.

I'm a horny guy living in the worst state for horny guys. I live in Texas.

You can't go on Pornhub in Texas.

You can, but you gotta show your ID to the government.

I had no idea. I moved there. I set down the last box.

I was like, "Finally, I can relax. My family's asleep."

Finally.

Just a long scroll of text.

Your governor actually made it

so you have to show your identification to go on Pornhub.

And I was furious. I was like, "Who the fuck is this governor?"

"I'm gonna beat this guy's ass."

Then I looked it up. Our governor's in a wheelchair. I didn't know that.

His name is Greg Abbott. He's in a wheelchair. I felt bad.

I had to delete a couple of tweets. I was like, "This is not a good look."

Can't threaten that guy.

The more I live there, though, I'm kind of like, I don't know,

I'm coming around to it.

It's an effective way to stop people from watching porn

because I don't want to watch it like that, I want to stop.

Like, that is a real firewall, having to use your ID to look at Pornhub.

Has anyone here actually showed their driver's license to go on Pornhub,