Two and a Half Men

All right, I have turned "it" into "ziti,"

uh, with a triple letter on Z and a double word on the I.

Plus, going down, I've created "za."

Za?

Uh, a colloquialism for pizza.

One of the five two-letter words

newly accepted by the National Scrabble Association.

Unbelievable.

You can call them if you want.

That's what we in Scrabble circles call

a two tile takedown.

* Bom-bom!

Hey, Alan,

is our limo here yet?

Uh, sorry, I haven't seen a limo.

Oh, 100 points!

* Bow-bow!

That's a gorgeous dress, Courtney.

Thanks. Charlie insisted on buying it

for me to wear tonight.

What's the charity again?

I don't know. Landmines, orphans.

Landmines for orphans.

I just want to show you off.

Oh.

Well, you look great.

Thank you.

No, no. No, there's...

something... something wrong.

What?

I don't know. I don't know.

Something's... something's missing.

Oh, I got it.

Ta-dah!

Charlie!

You shouldn't have.

Well, you've done a lot of things for me

you shouldn't have.

Oh, my... Now you look great.

God, it is beautiful.

Thank you.

So, what are you guys up to tonight?

Oh, not much. Just a quiet, romantic evening at home.

Loser.

Come on, that's not fair.

No, it's my word-- loser.

Oh. Oh. Oh, uh, well, then I should point out

that you could have used the C

at the top of the board and made "closer."

I'll stick with loser.

Yeah?

Great. We'll be right out.

Our chariot awaits.

Have fun.

Thanks. You, too.

Do me a favor.

When we get in the limo,

ask the driver to put up the partition.

You bet.

Isn't that sweet?

She's gonna do more things she shouldn't.

Gluten-free pretzel?

No, thanks.

Oh, I guess this isn't much of a Saturday night date.

Alan, it's fine.

I like staying in with you.

I could probably do without the * Bom-bom!

Well, I just... I wish I could take you out

and get you things like Charlie does.

I don't need those things.

I mean, they're nice.

They're more than nice.

They're what every girl dreams of.

But let's face it.

Some dreams just have to die.

Well, I'm-I'm sorry you had to settle.

I'm not settling.

I'm... I'm accepting.

So you're not rich and successful like Charlie.

So you can't take me out in limos

and shower me in diamonds.

So there's no expensive restaurants

or beautiful dresses.

But?

What?

Well, you know, I can't take you out,

and I can't give you stuff, but...

But... I love you?

Why?

Boy, you're just gonna keep pushing this, aren't you?

No, no. You love me. I'm good.

Let's play Scrabble.

Mm.

Ooh, axolotl!

Uh...

: * Bom-bom.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Oh-oh. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Morning.

Morning.

Pottery Barn?

Yeah, I'm looking for ideas

for a birthday present for Lyndsey.

At the Pottery Barn?

Well, I don't have your money.

And there are ways to communicate your feelings

for a woman besides throwing diamonds at her.

True, but diamonds get you limo skull.

Pottery Barn won't get you dry humped

in the back of a city bus.

Charming.

So, uh, how was the charity soirée last night?

I don't know. We never made it out of the limo.

Charlie, do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?

Oh, buddy, that's not me.

That's genetics and barber school haircuts.

I'm serious. How do you think it makes me feel

when I'm with Lyndsey, and I have to watch you

shower Courtney with limos and diamonds?

Huh. I never thought about that.

I do have a solution, though.

What's that? Move out.

I-I'm just saying,

I'd appreciate it if you didn't do so much

of that stuff in front of us.

Again, I have a solution.

All right, all right, let's just stipulate for the record

that you want me to move out and I'm not going anywhere, okay?

What is it you'd have me do?

Not enjoy the money that I earn?

Not lavish it on the people that I love?

Sneak around in the middle of the night giving gifts

to my girlfriend, so you don't get your feelings hurt?

Is that something you'd consider?

No, but I'll tell you what I will do. Oh, what's that?

If I should come home some night

to find you standing on a chair with a rope around your neck

because you can't bear another moment

of your pathetic life,

I give you my word, I will kick the chair.

Ooh! Santa Claus bottle stopper.

Only 12 dollars.

I can get her two.

* Men.

Dad?

Yeah?

I need money.

Join the club.

Seriously. My clothes are getting too small.

Jake, I give your mother money every month

for the express purpose of buying you whatever you need.

Yeah, well, that's not how she sees it.

I don't know what to tell you, buddy.

Things are a little tight right now.

So are my shoes.

What do you want me to do, tap into your college fund?

I guess not.

Hang on a second.

Let's not throw that idea out so quickly.

What do you mean?

Well, realistically,

do you actually see yourself going to college?

Because if you don't,

we could use that money to buy you some new clothes,

plus maybe some other things.

You know, it's funny that you ask that.

I had no interest in college until a few days ago.

What changed?

I saw this video called Topless Coeds of the Big Ten,

and I decided I need to go to college.

You expect me to pay 30, 40,000 dollars a year

so you can meet drunk girls who lift their shirts?

Yes, please.

Is that a no on the clothes money?

I'll talk to your mother about it.

Oh, now I'm filled with hope.

Hey, Alan, come here.

Are you gonna make me feel worse?

Is that even possible?

I wouldn't think so, but you usually find a way.

What do you want?

Well, I couldn't help but overhear you trying

to talk Huckleberry out of getting an education.

Yeah, not my proudest moment.

But I'm desperate to find a way

to buy Lyndsey a decent birthday present.

All right, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna "lend" you enough so you can buy her something nice.

How much are we talking about?

Are you kidding?

You're negotiating with me?!

No, no, forget it.

I appreciate the offer, but I'm not gonna take your money.

I'm-I'm sorry. I think I might have just had a small stroke.

I thought I heard you say you're not gonna take my money.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I have to find a way

to buy Lyndsey a nice present on my own.

It's a matter of self-respect.