Baby Daddy

Tucker: Hey! Hey, little help?

Hey, the bathroom door is stuck again, guys!

Ben: Emma?

People, we got a runner.

A pint-sized runner.

Oh, there you are!

- Hey. - Hi!

Dude, last night she climbed out of her crib for the first time,

and then gave me a "what are you gonna do about it?" Look.

What am I gonna do about it?

Tucker: Hey, is somebody out there?

He baby-proofed the door backwards and wrong.

So, Tucker's in and can't get out.

I would help him, but I'm very busy enjoying this breakfast.

Hey, speaking of breakfast,

hey, do we have any non...

okay. You know what?

If this is another takeout menu from the Chinese place, we will have words.

It's a note.

"Hear ye, hear ye, listen close,

"in just one day, a birthday toast.

"It's Bonnie Wheeler's special day,

"so whoop it up, or you'll all pay.

"Signed, anonymous."

Man, I really thought it was from mom.

Dude, oh my God!

I promised mom a birthday party! You know what this means?

You have some things to plan?

Yeah. Like, where to rent a getaway car, or buy a ticket to anywhere but here.

Emma? Emma? Where is she?

- Hi. - Hi.

Tucker: Good news.

At least one person around here knows how to open a baby-proof door.

Give me high-five!

Yeah!

Okay people, we need invitations,

decorations, food, music.

And sadly, knowing my mom, copious amounts of male nudity.

Seriously, when did this become so important?

Last year, I had an away game, so Ben was in charge of mom's birthday.

It's a really long story.

Oh, hey mom. What's going on?

Oh, I don't know.

Just sitting here about to eat a whole sheet cake.

Alone.

For no reason whatsoever.

Cool. Then can you watch Emma?

I just got invited to this amazing party.

So that's a no on watching Emma?

I was sneezing sprinkles for a week.

But look, the point is

I felt so horrible, I promised I'd throw her a giant bash this year.

Exactly.

You felt horrible.

You said that you'd throw her a giant bash.

Sounds like a "you" problem.

If I could sneeze sprinkles?

Never leave the house.

Guys, come on!

I have to do inventory at the bar,

but Danny will do most of the heavy lifting.

Why? There's nowhere for me to go but down.

I'm already the good son.

Look, can't you guys just put together some kind of video tribute?

You know, something that really captures what a warm and loving person she is.

Okay, suck-wads!

I'm gonna skip the benefit and go right to the doubt.

You guys haven't done Jack for my birthday, have you?

- Huh? - Wha...

mom, calm down! We're working on something...

Big... and important...

And surprisey.

You are throwing me a surprise party?

Oh my God, you are just the best son ever!

Why can't you be more like your brother?

You know what? Okay, I have to go practice my surprise face.

Yeah, you know what? I gotta work on it. I'll work on it.

She should be practicing her "I'm so disappointed in you" face.

Yeah. What's that one look like?

I don't know. I've never seen it.

I see it every day.

Every day.

Okay, lighting is good.

Oh, and if you could favor this side of my face,

I'd really appreciate it.

It's the better half of perfection.

Oh, and since I work in TV, let me give you a quick lesson.

I point the phone at you and hit record?

Yeah. I think I got it.

Right. Hold on.

Here you go, sweetie. Don't move, okay?

All right. Mrs. Wheeler's birthday video.

Take one.

In three, two...

Mrs. Wheeler, what can I say?

Just, that I know in my heart

that you steal from us.

And I love how you think that you can just boss everybody around.

Tucker, this is supposed to be a tribute.

Yeah, I know. But I've got a lot of stuff to get off my chest.

Well, just do what you did when I told you Ben and I officially broke up.

Right? Pretend to care.

Oh, hey, how are you doing, anyway?

Well, you know, things are getting better.

Thank you so much for asking. I...

- Oh, this is you pretending to care, isn't it? - Ahh.

All right. Mrs. Wheeler's birthday video. Take two.

Oh my God!

Emma!

Don't move!

- (Gasps) - (Clatter)

Stitches, Tucker, stitches!

Are you happy now? We broke the baby.

The doctor said she'll be fine.

Yeah, but we won't once we tell Ben.

For the last time, will you please give me back my phone?

I have to call him!

Oh, hell no.

No, you can't just blurt out, "sorry, we accidentally maimed your baby."

No, we have to find a window of opportunity.

When he's calm.

A window. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. We just have to make sure that nobody finds out

until we tell Ben ourselves.

- (Door banging) - (Screams)

Bonnie: Hey! Let me out of here!

- Oh, God. - Mrs. Wheeler?

You, uh... You didn't hear anything, did you?

I've heard nothing, I've seen nothing,

which is starting to make me think that there is nothing.

What is Ben doing for my birthday?

Lots. Tons. And you're gonna ruin it!

So, get happy, get excited,

but more importantly, get out.

Okay, okay, I'm going!

- God, I hope there's strippers. - Yup.

There's strippers, right?

Right, now where were we?

All right, we just need to find...

- what up? - Aah!

Ben, hi, how's it going?

We were just playing an impromptu game of peekaboo.

Both: Peekaboo!

What's with the bear?

Umm...

Okay. All right, man. Here's what happened, we were...

We won it at a carnival!

You were at a carnival?

You're supposed to be helping, not enjoying yourselves!

You're so selfish!

God, what about me?

Okay, Ben. Here's what happened.

You know, I was pms-ing and craving a funnel cake.

I mean, you know what happens,

I just get bloated, and I get so crampy and cranky...

okay, I've heard enough. Thank you.

Love you, Emma. Bye.

What was that?

Period card.

Totally freaks guys out.

No!

That was our window!

Oh, yeah.

I can see now how that would have been a good time to tell him.

Ben: You know Danny, I think we're doing okay.

All right.

I've got the flowers ordered.

I've narrowed down the location to her three favorite restaurants.

And, I found a discount version of the Chippendales.

Two guys named chip and Dale.

What's up with the music?

Oh, well you know how you wanted a dj, but I wanted a band?

I found a guy named dj who's in a band!

How are we with RSVP?

How would I know?

Because I said, "hey Danny, how 'bout you handle mom's guests."

I thought you said "handle mom's dress."

None of the sales ladies would believe me when I said I was trying them on for mom.

Dude, nobody's coming to her party?

What's the matter with you?

Hey, don't get mad at me! None of this is my fault.

Oh really? 'Cause I'd say it was all your fault.

If mom hadn't gone into labor with you on her 18th birthday,

dad probably never would have had to make such a big deal out of it every year. God!

Wait...

My birthday's not for another two weeks.

Pfft, you're right man. My bad. You know how I am with dates.

Hey, good call on the dj guy.

Ben, what the hell is going on?

Are you telling me I was actually born on mom's birthday,

and she's been lying to me my entire life,

making up some random date

so she could selfishly not share her special day with me?

Wow. I was gonna lie, but I'm kinda proud you actually put it all together yourself.

Oh my God!

What does this mean?

Who am I?

Who are my real parents?

Same people,

just two weeks earlier.