South Park

M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? M'kay?

M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's about to start, m'kay.

M'kay, quiet ple-m k-m'kay?

M'kay. Uh, now kids, we have a really fun motivational group today

...who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, hm'kay?

So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to,

"Butt Out!"

Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross!

Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!

Oh no...

Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!

Hey students, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo!

Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!

Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke?

Blow smoke? Us? No way!

Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right kids? Butt out! Break it down!

Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no!

Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!

Smoking, no. No smoking.

Freestyle!

Vernon!

Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!

Kyle!

B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the...

-Dude, this is unbearable. -I'm going to kill myself

Randy!

Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the "no" to the smoke, you go go.. ... you gotta get it!

Pam!

Don't smoke.

You guys, Kenny's eating his own hands.

Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool!

Ohoh, really?? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too??

What about emphysema?? Is that cool??

And what about abortion, and AIDS?

Pfft! That's none's the cool.

Word.

Yeah. So butt out!

Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!

Huh, Jesus Christ!

Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!

Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.

Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead.

So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!

Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-

Just Like Us.

Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one.

Aw dude, this is really hard.

Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey.

Throw 'em away!

Dudes, here he comes. Guys, stop coughing.

Boys, what are you doing back here?

I asked you a question: What are you doing back here, 'k?!

Nothing.

What??

Nothin' Na- Due-nothing.

D'awww sick!

Gross dude!

Well hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys have been smoking!

No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have any cigarettes.

Well you'd better not! Because let me tell you some'n' about smokin'!

Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay.

And uh, if you start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, ih it's gonna be bad.

M'kay, because uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer.

M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad.

M'kay, and uh, eh, what? What the?

Holy shit! M'kay?!

Oh! Jethuth Chritht!

...Woops.

Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!

We're sorry.

Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here! Ah, here they come now.

Oh God...

Come on in.

Stanley, what did you do this time?!

You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking!

Smoking?

No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy smoker!

Mom... Dad, it was just a-

I don't have a son!

Eric, you've done a lot of horrible things in your life, but smoking? You're grounded for three weeks!

Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me?

Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you?

Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first.

This is really their fault.

Yeah. This is really their fault.

No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend,

...the tobacco companies are there to fill our childrens' heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.

Yeah, huh? Ih, it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind-

No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!

Oh my goodness, I had no idea. Are you okay, sweetie?

Well, those God-damned tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over MY kid!

I say we bring them down!

We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived.

Rob Reiner.

Who's Rob Reiner?

I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes,

I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art,

I forced smokers out of bars and parks,

...but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it.

Apparently, people still don't understand hwo bad smoking people is for them.

Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health?

Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?

According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them.

Yeah, that must be it.

The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings,

they're the ones making music wanna smoke!

They're the ones hurting our nation's health!

I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards!

This is war!!

You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke.

Hwat??

Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.

Yeah, what's the problem?

Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know?

It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?

Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded for three weeks, do you?

Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.

Here he comes!

Damnit.

Butter! Butter!

What'd he say?

Butter!!

Hello South Park!!

It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health!

And I'm gonna help ya!

These poor innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco.

So I say, "We fight fire with fire!"

We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down!

Oh no...

All right kids, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper.

Once you're nside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos

...and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over

...to seduce you into smoking. Got it?

Got it!

But... isn't that, kind of, lying?

Mm. Uh, we're just leveling out the playing field.

The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking.

If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back!

Oh my God!

Excuse me!

Yes?

Would you mind putting that death stick out?!

But, uh, this is a bar.

Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?

Not in Colorado

Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!

Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.

Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!

I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!

Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is!

Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here!

And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado!

There will be no more smoking here!

Isn't he awesome, you guys?

What??

Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol.

All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars!

As soon as we get into the mani facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids,

...and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?

Handle it?

For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.

Heh, great. Okay, now watch yourselves, kids.

These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking.

They are liars and they are frauds!

Can I help you?

Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my boys wanting a tour.

Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.

Well, come on in.

How about a little history first?

Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant.

They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.

Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.

Escuse me?

Oh, nothing! Please continue.

The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612.

Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.