MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Dear Mother and Dad,

I've only been here a short while,

but it seems forever.

MASH 4077 is truly a nightmare.

It is either too cold...

or it is unbearably hot.

I needn't tell you again.

I won't be happy until I am out of here.

I have even contemplated

shooting myself in the foot.

But you know how much I enjoy the annual deb's cotillion.

Mail!

Hunnicut, Hunnicut, Hunnicut.

Pierce.

And two for our high‐class society Major Winchester.

Klinger, you are really full of it.

We are what we eat, sir.

Ha!

Almost forgot‐‐

Captain Pierce's nudist magazine.

Hmm, a nudist wedding.

The bride is wearing white sneakers.

My Lord.

Sir?

My nephew Felix

is being discharged from the service

because of fainting spells.

Really, sir?

Mm‐hmm. They're very strange.

Everything seems to go sort of dark gray...

Yes, yes?

And then he experiences dizziness...

Go on.

And then he swoons and, uh, passes out.

Ohhh!

Klinger, come off it.

When a person faints, he falls forward.

False alarm.

Mail!

Somebody sent me a person.

Come on, Klinger, up, up.

‐Where am I? ‐Let's go, up.

Oh, Captain Pierce.

You got here just in time.

‐The craziest thing happened. ‐Oh, yeah?

Suddenly, everything went a dark gray.

Then I experienced dizziness.

Then I fainted, falling forward.

‐What is that? ‐I think you got a whiff of your own breath.

Sorry. My mother sent me a garlic pie.

Want dibs?

I had an apple on the train.

Attention, all personnel‐‐

Colonel Potter speaking.

Klinger, where the hell's the mail?

I love that man.

Uh‐oh. Peg got poison oak.

‐Where? ‐In the woods.

That can be painful.

Mm. Frazier Continental down seven points.

Who they playing?

A major financial loss is hardly a laughing matter.

I apologize.

Do you expect me to believe that?

I wouldn't if I were you.

This is incredible!

‐What what? ‐I'm going to heaven.

That is incredible.

Beej, you remember Nurse Gilmore?

She was engaged to the Navy dentist.

Well, she just became disengaged.

All of a sudden, the red light has turned green,

and she's inviting me to spend the weekend with her in Seoul.

Sounds like she's making a three‐day pass at you.

I can't believe it.

To think that someone with such grace, wit,

sensibility, intelligence, and charm

would be sending for little old me.

Who'd have thought it?

Certainly not I.

This woman has the patent on wonderful.

Smell that. Is she wonderful?

Yeah, wonderful.

Oh, that's wonderful.

A pity you have to decline the invitation, Pierce.

You are officer of the day all weekend.

Beej, take O. D. For me.

I can't, I'm in O. R.

Charles, come on, as a friend.

Not even as an enemy.

Charles!

Sorry. O.D.‐‐ odious duty.

I've already done mine. Weekend's your turn.

Look, I'll take all your duty for the next three days

if you'll just work this weekend.

I hate working weekends.

What difference does it make?

Every day is a holiday in Korea.

It's just the thought.

I'll let you use my after shave.

Kerosene makes me break out.

Money?

You can't buy me.

How much?

How much did you lose

on the Frazier Continental thing?

‐$4,000. ‐Deal.

Come on. How much have you really got?

$12.80.

Ha! Boutonniere money.

‐He'll owe you the rest. ‐Sorry.

Charles, you don't understand! This woman‐‐ She‐‐

Roses have fistfights to see who could smell like her.

Her wit is so sharp, you could shave with it.

When they heard the sound of her laughter,

six nightingales got out of the business.

This‐‐ She's got‐‐

All right, all right, all right.

I'm giving in merely because

I can use a three‐day vacation from you.

Now please don't get the idea

that I'm doing it

because I'm generous, or worse, amiable.

Trust me, no one will ever think of you

as anything but completely rotten.

Thank you.

Hee hee hee!

Listen, I need some clean shirts.

The laundry lady broke her rock.

Why don't these people get a service contract?

I need shirts, shorts, socks, and a jeep.

What size jeep?

34, loose in the seat.

You could use a haircut.

Let's see Klinger about the jeep.

How's my nostril hair?

I'd look, but I'm afraid of the dark.

Sorry. A brief interruption.

Pierce and Hunnicut were regaling each other

with their version of wit, dirty laundry, and nose hair.

Constant exposure to these two cretins annoys me

and aggravates my‐‐

my misery more than I can tell you.

But, always hopeful, I'm endearing myself

to the C. O., the man responsible for my presence

in this... cesspool.

He's a tough, bandy‐legged little mustang,

but guess what.

He paints.

He's somewhat of a primitive.

He's no Churchill, surely.

But I have agreed to pose for him.

Raise your chin a little, Winchester.

Boy, you've got a tough ear. It's all lobe.

Dad's.

Fat‐eared cuss, eh?

May I... speak, sir?

As long as you don't move that ear.

Sir, I have been here interminably.

Time flies when you've got good duty.

Sir, you don't understand.

I feel that my talents are such‐‐

‐I cleaned your brushes, sir. ‐Good man.

Couldn't find any turpentine,

so I used yesterday's soup.

Cleanest they've been in years.

Gee, that's wonderful, sir.

‐Thank you. ‐Who is that?

Guess.

I better go polish your horse.

As I was saying, sir,

I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo

or even... the States.

Not to me, Commissioner.

This meatball surgery of yours

is causing my skills to deteriorate.

They're wasting away.

Don't change the color of your face!

I'm out of umber!

And I'm out of patience!

This place is driving me mad!

Cool off, Winchester!

How can I cool off

in this godforsaken pesthole?

You're here, so get used to it.

You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred.

That's right, and I don't intend to.

I certainly think you ought to consider‐‐

Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing!

I need you here, and you'll stay here like the rest of us.

Here. Your face is finished.

Father, you must know someone influential.

I know.

What about that former brigadier general

who's now a doorman at The Plaza?

I understand he's very close to Arthur Godfrey.

Well, keep trying.

Please.

Interesting thing about military units.

Quite often, one discovers