Single Parents

So, let's see. You wanted to

ease into the idea of moving in together,

and then you put this giant crystal on my dresser?

- Oh, it's an amethyst. - Ah.

I only have nickels and Skittles on my dresser,

so this is pretty cool.

Why is Miggy here?

Because I have an open-door policy at my home.

Yes. And I have a policy where I don't let friends

lie on my bed, junk-side down, eating tube yogurt.

Poppy, I don't know about this move in, girl.

See? This is why

I wanted to take it slow, Douglas.

Moving in is a big deal.

And plus, there's kids involved.

So we need to make sure that we're ready,

and right now, we can't even handle an amethyst.

Well, honey, I-I mean, with all due respect, it's huge.

- Yeah, it's big. - Mm.

It's so quiet without the kids here.

Gosh, imagine ten years from now...

we're empty nesters, kids are away at college.

Amy and Emma are at West Point

and the naval academy, respectively.

I mean, sure, we miss the kids,

but also, we have this entire house to ourselves.

We can do whatever we want.

Hi! Quick quesh...

Poppy, do you know where Ron is?

I'm kind of in labor.

- Oh, my God! - I blame this on the crystal.

All right, busy TV day. We should strategize.

The key is no bathroom breaks.

Sounds good. So, what are we bingeing?

"Gavel Town." It's incredible.

The pilot's bad.

Second episode is like a totally different show.

Three to five are treading water. Six sucks.

But the seventh episode has an amazing twist

that will make it all worth it.

A show that takes six hours to get good?

Yeah, I'll give it a chance.

And binge.

Now remember, the pilot's really bad.

- You're gonna hate it. - Great.

In my breathing workshop,

we practiced thanking the pain.

Thank you, contraction.

- Ooh. - Here you go.

This is just false labor.

I'm not due for another two weeks.

Okay, good. So let's...

Well, babies aren't always born on their due date.

I mean, Rory was a month early.

Yes, but Ron and I have a birth plan.

We developed it under the guidance

of our midwife, Tabitha Q.

She'll be hanging on the edge of the tub when I give birth.

You're giving birth in a tub?

Yes. Water is very significant for me.

Okay, "The child will be born listening to Stevie Wonder,

by the light of the moon and lavender-scented candles."

Say what you will... my ex-husband can draw.

- Aah! - Uh...

Thank you, blinding pain!

Namaste!

I'm very scared of birth.

Has anyone seen my phone?

Ron's probably calling.

It's an Android.

Did I mention that I'm very scared of birth?

You know, let me move the mink throw.

Uh, okay, so,

Sharon is Ron's problem, all right?

- Yeah. - Not ours.

I'm gonna track him down and tell him to come get his woman.

Okay, please don't leave me with her.

Okay.

So...

Do you need...

...a pad?

Don't be mad. Just here for my hat.

Hey, Miggy! Welcome!

Yeah, be part of this!

Be part of what?

Oh, dip, she's having a baby.

So, I left a message for Ron.

Sharon, let's get you to the hospital, okay?

I'm not going anywhere without Ron.

Oh, no, you don't want to wait to get to the hospital.

Trust me.

I learned the hard way.

It was the summer I discovered "Friends"

and had my barber give me The Rachel.

So I looked and felt amazing.

I was obsessed with my new favorite video game,

"Taxicab Honkers,"

where you take a hot lady to the airport during rush hour.

- Miggy! - I don't have PreCheck.

I knew Zara was close to her due date,

and it sounded important.

- This is important! - My head said, "Pause!"

- But my heart said, "Lay on the horn. - Drive!

This hot lady's gonna miss her flight!"

I played for 10 more minutes,

and we didn't make it to the hospital.

A gas station?

Push!

Silver lining...

we get free unleaded for life!

Up to 30 bucks.

But that night ended up being a turning point.

I grew up.

I gave my video games and my beanbag to my frenemy, Dwayne.

- Yeah. - Thanks, homie.

I said goodbye to the kid I was...

and hello to the man I am.

Everything changed in that 76 Station.

I was in charge. A leader.

Staff agreed I was the best of all the dads.

- Oh, how good could you have been? - What other dads?

The gas station is next to the hospital.

Seven babies have been born there... "The 76 Seven"...

bonded by a bathroom stall

and parents with poor time-management skills.

- Thank you, Miggy. - You're welcome.

I'm not going anywhere after hearing that.

Maybe if I say it again, but different.

Nah, you're done.

You know what we need?

We need to share a positive birth story.

- Yes. - Right?

One that we've heard many, many times.

- Oh, God. - The worst part is how

he pretends he doesn't want to tell it.

You really want to hear it?

I bet you guys are sick of hearing this story by now.

But I guess it's like my therapist always tells me...

stop being so paranoid, Will!

Maybe people just love you.

Yeah, can you just tell it quickly, please?

'Cause we have four more episodes

of "Gavel Town" until the big twist.

Oh, most intense experience of my life.

- I had goose bumps, yo! - All right, guys,

I cannot do four more episodes, okay?

I really hate it.

You're supposed to hate it.

The twist doesn't work if you haven't suffered.

What? I can't like a twist?

Okay, can you just let him tell the story?

The story of Sophie's birth

begins as the Earth's story begins...

with light.

Sophie was born in the glow of the sunset.

at the precise moment of the most incredible chorus

Mia, meet your daughter.

Hi, sweetie.

Sharon, the hospital is a place

of beauty and wonder.

Let us take you there.

Nah, I'll wait for Ron.

Is that my Android? Ohh!

- Is it Ron? - No.

Hey, guys, can you meet me by the wall for a group huddle?

Now.

I feel like we should've moved further away from her.

She's, like, right there.

Ron finally texted Sharon back.

Turns out he's at the Foot Locker.

Bring it in.

He's at the Foot Locker in Phoenix!

That's far.

Yeah. So, we have to be

my ex-husband's new wife's emotional support system

during the birth of their first child. Are you with me?

- Yeah, totally. - I love births.

These crackers contain

an outrageous amount of sodium.

Douglas!

With you.

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

It's fine, guys. I have a super-strong core.

I-I'll just hold the baby in.

Ahh...

Okay, now that Ron's not coming,

the only thing standing between

Sharon giving birth in a hospital

and Sharon giving birth on Douglas' couch is us!

Do you know how hard it is to get placenta off a leather?

Do you?

Okay, can we just scooch the huddle

- away from Sharon? - Okay. Okay.

Thanks. I didn't want to say it back there,

but the father isn't necessary.

Do you know what I was doing while Rose

was giving birth to the twins?

- You didn't even go in?! - Your character, it's bad.

You were reading about boats? You're a doctor!