Siblings

This programme contains strong language.

- Sis, check this out. - Sorry, got to dash. Mum's got a doctor's appointment,

picking up some test results. - OK, good luck.

Nah, I'll be fine. The only reason I got the medical in the first place

is cos my company are paying for it.

It's great - you get the day off AND a free Pap smear.

Oh, actually, speaking of work shit,

could you maybe do me a favour and drop this off at my office?

- The coffee machine? - I borrowed it three months ago and now people are starting to ask questions.

Mainly, "What happened to that brand-new coffee machine?"

Could you maybe do me a favour in return?

- I'm listening. - Could I have £500 for a scooter? - Absolutely not.

It's not just any scooter. It's the X-Whizz 550.

Crazy idea, but have you thought about getting a job

and then paying for it yourself? - Yeah, but jobs are SO boring.

Plus, doing all this scooter research is kind of a full-time job anyway.

No, it's not. And let's be honest,

anyone who rides a scooter past the age of five is an idiot.

Would you say that to Jeremy Van Blitz -

co-editor of Scooter Weekly? because I'm on a forum with him

right now and he seems pretty switched on. - OK.

You're not allowed to use my laptop any more.

Hi, Hannah. I'm Dr Jacobi.

Oh. Hey, doc. I hope you don't mind.

A new barbecue place opened up around the corner,

so I got myself a pulled pork sandwich.

I didn't want it to get cold. Do you want a bite?

Er, no, thank you. And you probably shouldn't have any more either.

I'll be blunt, Hannah, you are shockingly unhealthy.

- What do you mean? - High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high sodium levels.

- You have the bone density of a 90-year-old refugee. - Come on, Doc.

It's got to be some sort of mistake. I mean, look at me.

- I'm a solid nine... 9.5. I'm in great shape. - Do you exercise at all? - Not really.

I do have this recurring dream where Hugh Grant is chasing me

with a machete and I wake up sweating. Does that count?

Yeah... I would um, suggest, Hannah,

that maybe you need to make some adjustments to your entire

lifestyle, before you end up 35 and getting chest pains every

time you bend over to tie up your shoelaces.

I can't believe I'm getting told how to live my life by some stupid doctor.

RETRO LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC

CHATTER

What's going on?

Oh, um, it's Jasper's birthday so management's got him a cake.

- Really? - Yeah. - So they just buy you guys cake on your birthday?

- On top of your salary? - Yes.

- And they do that for everyone? - Mhm.

And how many people work here?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe 30, 40?

That's like a free slice of cake every eight days!

I like those odds.

I don't know why my sister's always badmouthing this place.

Last week, she said it was where happiness comes to get fucked in the arse.

Oh, this is yours, by the way.

- Is that our coffee machine? - Yeah. - Sorry, who are you? - So rude of me.

I'm Dan. Can you take this, actually, cos I'm...

I'm going to wish Jasper happy birthday.

See if I can score another slice of this sweet cake!

Jasper!

- Hey, sis. How was your checkup? - Hmm. Not great.

- Turns out I've got the cholesterol levels of a competitive hot dog eater. - Is that not good?

Well, apparently, I'm at risk of obesity, heart disease

and something called gravy lung. - Shit. Sounds serious.

I've got to start exercising, drinking water

and eating better, which is bullshit.

I mean, this is a can of chopped tomatoes.

It is literally the closest thing to vegetables we had in the whole flat.

Well, SOME good news for you.

- I got a job in your office. - What?

I dropped off that coffee maker like you asked.

Loved the atmos, asked if they had any jobs going.

What job could you possibly get at an insurance firm?

You have zero qualifications and a criminal record.

That's why I got the job of caretaker.

Technically I'm a cleaner, but I prefer the title caretaker.

Taking care of business. Mostly cleaning related.

This morning, you said all jobs are boring

and now you want to be a cleaner?

Try and be happy for me, Hannah.

Yesterday, I didn't have a job. Today, I'm a caretaker.

By next week, I'll be head of NASA.

Or at least, one paycheque closer to owning a cool scooter.

Aw.

DANCE MUSIC

Ugh! What the hell?

Everything all right?

That guy just drenched this machine with his gross sweat and he didn't even wipe it down.

I'm trying to get fit, not catch hepatitis, you fucking animal!

Ooh, yeah! That guy's a real twat! I heard a rumour that he got banned from the steam room for trying

to squeeze another guy's nut sack.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

But to be fair, I also started the rumour, so it might not be true.

- Hey, I'm Lucy. - Hannah. - Not seen you around the gym before.

Well, I'm only here cos my doctor said I had to get healthy,

or I might, you know, die. But I honestly think I'd rather have a massive stroke than spend

three nights a week around these pricks.

If you hate the gym so much, there are other ways to get healthy.

- What, like Chinese supplements? - I was thinking more like sports.

I'm actually on a women's rugby team.

You should come to a practice. We're looking for some new blood.

Oh, I don't know. Group activities aren't really my thing.

- I'm sort of a cool, lone-wolf figure. - Trust me. It's wicked.

We basically just run around pummelling each other for two

hours and then spend the rest of the night getting hammered. - That does sound fun.

Plus I'm using my dad's membership and it's only

a matter of time before they realise I'm not a 55-year-old man.

Ugh!

'Moving on to the third quarter review, er, '

which you'll find on page six, er, if we've all got that. - Yeah.

Sorry, gang. Just got to give it a quick tidy.

Um, so I think we can all agree, there's plenty of room for improvement here.

- Are you going to finish that Danish? - No.

Er, so the first thing I want to look at is ways to improve policy integration.

So has anyone got any ideas? Anyone.

Actually, I've got an idea. Mouthwash. In a can.

Er, what is that?

You could maybe make like mini cans of mouthwash.

People out and about, they could just grab a can, swish it around,

chuck it, go back to whatever they were doing.

Er, OK. Um, but we're an insurance company. We don't make things.

- Yeah, but you said there were no bad ideas. - No, I didn't.

Sorry, could we get back to the meeting?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I'll just finish up. Pretend I'm not here.

Great. Er, so, um, policy integration.

HOOVER

Er, one thing that I've...

Feet up, please.

FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC

Hannah! Over here.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I had to go and get a new gumshield

but they couldn't find any extra wide ones, so it took ages.

Don't worry, pal. Come on, I'll introduce you to some of the girls.

Girls! This is Hannah.

Hannah, this is Hotpot, Swampy, Jersey Girl and Minge Ninja.

- We've pretty much all got nicknames. - Nice! What's yours?

Ah, they call me The Camel.

Cos I can drink the most. And sometimes I kick people.

Um, what's the hold-up, ladies?

Jenny, this is Hannah. She's a mate of mine.

- She's going to be training with us today. - OK, whatever.

Can we just break up this little mother's meeting

and get back to, you know, practising rugby?

That's Jenny. She's the captain. Her nickname's Dickhead.

Listen, cos this is your first time, do you want to just watch for a bit?

No way. I just spent 60 quid on new boots and a special workout thong.

I want to get stuck in. Let's do this.

Oof!

FLUTTERY FLUTE MUSIC

MUSIC FADES

I didn't realise anyone was still...

Er, I forgot some stuff.

And I realised I needed to clean my teeth.

So my clothes got wet.

But...

Please don't tell anyone.

CHATTER

There you go, mate.

Ooh! I think the adrenaline might be wearing off.

My left earlobe's the only part of me that's not sore.

Yeah, that's pretty standard.

Don't worry, there's an old rugby trick to deal with the pain.

Really, what is it?

SHE GLUGS

- That. - Shit, that is fucking awesome!

Lucy, thanks so much for inviting me. I loved it.

I felt like I got out 24 years of aggression in two hours.

Well, you know, if you're keen, you should sign up for the basting.

- What's the basting? - Well, it's this initiation thing we do for the new girls

who want to join the team. Prove that you're worthy.

- Tends to get pretty rough. - Ooh, rough how?

I don't know, like filthy drinking challenges, humiliating rituals, threats of violence.

Oh, it's like the best part of the year.

- OK, Lucy. You're on boot duty this week. - I washed them last week.

- It's Minge Ninja's turn. - Oh, yeah. Well, you missed three tackles and this is the forfeit.

You know the rules. Oh, and this time,

maybe don't use that froofy fucking fabric softness of yours.

Cos not everyone wants to smell like day-old Battenberg.

Jeez! What crawled up her arse?

It's a long story. Basically, me and Jenny used to go out.

- Oh, really? - Yeah. But she was mega possessive.

One time she went mental in Superdrug

because I asked, "Where are the tampons?" in a flirty way.

We broke up. Now it's super-awkward. Seriously, it's bad enough seeing your ex all the time,

let alone showering with them twice a week. - Shit.

That is some hard-core lesbian drama.

I'm sure it will sort itself out eventually.

Right, you get changed. Let's go and hit the pub around the corner.

The barman gives the whole team a free pint because he's scared of us.

Oh, God! I love rugby.

Maybe it's none of my business and I don't want you to start

crying again, but how long have you been sleeping in the office?

- What day is it? - Wednesday.

Six weeks, then.

- Six weeks? - It's only temporary.

Things were a bit rocky at home,

so my wife suggested we take a small break. - What happened?

Did you cheat on her?

Or like get addicted to online poker

and lost all her money to a Korean card shark? - What? No!

Nothing that drastic. We just slightly drifted apart lately.