Quaker Oaths

Hey.

Hey, oh, you look so beautiful.

Oh, thanks, Michelle.

- Uh, so your mom wants me to wear my hair down.

Really? (hiccups)

- Oh, no. - I'm sorry.

No, do you have the hiccups?

- No, it's not really the hiccups, it's just--

- Okay, I know exactly what to do, I'll be right back.

- This works every time, three sugar packets,

all at the same time, though.

I don't know, can you get Joe, please?

- No, no, no, seriously, try this, here, here, here.

Okay, so you just put this at the back

of your mouth, and then you drink water upside down,

it works every time.

- Guys, thanks, but it's not really hiccups.

- You're gonna get water all over your dress that way.

No, I'll show you.

Did the sugar not help?

- Can you get Joe, please? - Absolutely.

Okay, back of the mouth, alright?

What are you doing?

And then you just--

Guys, it's not really hiccups,

this always happens when I get nervous, okay?

Can you please get Joe? (hiccups)

Yeah, I'll go get him.

- Are you sure you want him to see you before the ceremony?

Yeah, he can help, believe me.

Okay.

I can't get married like this.

You're terrible.

Hey, what's up?

All right, I'm not gonna take that personally.

Hey, Michelle.

Hey.

- Hey, you're okay. - I'm sorry.

You're all right, here, sit, sit down.

Sit down, you're all right, okay, remember what to do,

raise your hands up in the air, now look up,

take a deep breath, you've got it.

There you go, you're okay.

See, there's nothing to worry about,

just a little backyard Quaker wedding is all.

- Yeah, but you've never been to a Quaker wedding,

everyone we know is gonna be staring at us

for half an hour in complete silence.

That doesn't sound so bad, kind of does,

but we'll be okay.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

- Signed and sealed. - Thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you so much.

Good job, there you go, yay!

- Good job. - Good job, sweetie!

And then after that?

Negative three.

Yes, negative three,

so what if we did negative two plus negative three?

Basically we want to add the two numbers,

but make them a bigger negative, what do you think, Jude?

Five.

Negative five, or positive five?

Negative five.

That's right, good job, Jude.

Do we all understand that?

Evan, Evan, do you understand that?

Okay, what's wrong, Evan?

This is the dumbest thing ever.

I don't know about that,

maybe if you came up and give it a try.

Hey.

Hey, Ms. Hines needs to see you.

Oh.

Just a minute.

Joe,

the complaint is very disturbing.

Oh, okay, well, I'm sure it's just

a little misunderstanding or something, so.

- The victim says that you picked your nose

in front of the whole class.

Okay, I totally know what's going on,

so there's this kid, his name is Evan,

and he, for some reason, he doesn't like me,

and so I'm sure he just kind of made this up so that--

- Okay, we have to take these complaints very seriously,

Joe, he says that you picked your nose in front

of the whole class, and then put your boogers in your butt.

That's not really something people do,

why would anyone put a booger in--

I think you're missing the point here,

every complaint-- - I agree.

Needs to be taken seriously.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

When there's a body part mentioned,

we have to look into it.

I'm sorry, it's just school policy,

until we have time to look into this further,

we are gonna have to suspend you.

- Stop it. - Nailed it.

Are you gonna finish that, or not?

Hell, no.

Whoa!

Oh, man, are you okay?

No, I got it.

Got away from you there, huh?

No, we can get this, that's all right.

You all right?

No, no, no, please,

no, you don't have to do all the dirt.

Not a problem.

It's okay, yeah, just.

Let's get all this in here.

Ooh, kind of a mess.

Yeah, it's a mess, thanks, thanks.

And you know,

you should probably be wearing a helmet.

What?

Joe?

Joe!

Hey.

Hi.

So how are you?

I'm good.

You know, I actually tried to call you

to tell you I'm in town, but my mom said

that you still don't have a cellphone.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Going strong.

Wow, impressive.

How are, how are you, are you good,

is med school's good, or?

Oh, this is my boyfriend, Mikey.

A pleasure.

- So Mikey's in town for a football tournament.

Oh, wow.

And I thought I'd drive down with him,

and, you know, show him around.

Wow, foot, like pro--

- Unicycle football, actually. - Yeah.

Oh, I don't--

You follow it any?

No, I don't know what that is.

The sport is really blowing up all

over the country right now, yeah, I've been doing a lot

of organizing for the tournament that's coming up.

Oh, there's a--

- It's gonna be really big, you should check it out.

Yeah, man, I got some fliers right here.

No, that's okay, I--

- Yeah, take one, take one. - Come on, take 'em.

I'll look it up online or something--

Here, take a couple.

Okay.

Pass 'em out.

Sure.

It's free beer.

So you're good, things are?

Yes, very good, yeah.

We're getting married.

Wow.

You should come, man, the tournament.

Yeah, it--

It starts in 40 minutes.

It's gonna be fun.

So it's just football on unicycles.

Isn't it great, I mean, it's amazing

what Mikey's done over the last few years,

he's built the entire league from scratch.

Touchdown by Mikey.

Look, so in case you were wondering,

it's not a total coincidence that I'm here.

I mean, I've been meaning to come down

and talk to you for awhile, I mean,

have you thought at all about us, about how,

you know, we're gonna need to get divorced.

Yeah, yeah.

- You think we could take care of that while I'm here?

I mean, it should be pretty straightforward.

Of course, sure.

Okay.

- You know what the hard part's gonna be, right?