Wilfred

Wow, Joffrey sure is getting big.

Big or fat?

I say fat, but Michael says big.

Either way, it's a problem.

- Michael? - Oh, I've been seeing a guy

from yoga class for the past couple weeks.

We're actually going out again tonight.

It's nothing serious yet.

He's a smart, handsome doctor. He's great with kids.

Child molesters are great with kids.

What are you saying, Ryan? Do you want me to stop dating?

No, of course not.

Look at that.

I'm surprised the little fat-ass missed a morsel.

So do you want me to call you a cab or...?

Breakfast?

Uh, yeah, I've kind of got

a bunch of errands to run today, so...

Ah, shit, my homeboy just saw me.

I better go say hi.

Where the hell did I put those baby wipes?

Hey!

J-Murda!

What's up, little man?

Still shitting whenever?

Nice!

Is she gone yet?

Oh, geez.

Hey, sorry about that.

I've been thinking a lot about who should be

Joffrey's legal guardian, and I'm leaning towards Dad.

- Dad? - Yeah, Ryan, despite what you think,

Dad is not that bad.

He has been generously supporting me

while I look for a new job.

He's... he's just a great role model for Joffrey.

He's successful, he's reliable, he's thin.

He's also controlling and manipulative.

Why not me?

Honestly, I'm the only guy in your life

who's really looking out for you.

You actually want this?

Of course. I love Joffrey.

Okay, well, I guess I'll keep thinking about it, then.

But so you know, it's a huge responsibility.

Can you honestly look me in the eye

and tell me you've got your shit together?

I'm good. I swear.

Ryan, check out this Internet site I found.

It's for people who just want

to have raunchy, demented sex, no strings attached.

Look at the expression on that slut's face.

I bet she gives insane trunk.

Ah, dude,

check the horn on that freak.

Wouldn't mind sitting on that.

What's going on with you today?

I thought you and Bear were married.

We were, but married life's not really for me.

I'm like a tumbleweed, a rolling stone.

Or a freight train that can't stay on the tracks,

and it's, like, going off a cliff

with, like, 250 passengers on board,

and a lot of them die on impact,

but there's like, ten that survive,

and they're trapped.

And there's this one guy, he's so in shock,

he's laughing maniacally, and the flames are closing in,

and everyone's, like, sobbing and holding each other,

but it's the laughter

that's the most disturbing thing of all.

And there's this one lady...

and her eye is just, like... out.

The point is, I'm single again.

Want to come out tonight and get some strange?

I'm not really in the mood.

You never are.

I should've called Joffrey.

I mean, that guy's my dawg!

I mean, you go out with him, you just know

he's leaving the club with two tiny little handfuls of ass.

I'm just worried about Kristen.

Ever since she became a mom,

she's been making some questionable choices,

like letting a guy she barely knows hang around her baby,

choosing my dad to be the legal guardian.

I think I need to be more involved in her life.

You and your sister have a messed up relationship.

It's like you get off on sabotaging each other's lives

and then miraculously being there to pick up the pieces.

Come on. I would never stand in the way

of my sister's happiness.

Even if it means she won't need

little brother's shoulder to cry on anymore?

God, why am I listening to sibling advice

from a guy who ate his own sister's ears?

Ear.

Ryan, have you seen

my We Bought a Zoo Criterion Collection?

What do you mean, suck your dick?

Bear?

Was that you just talking?

Okay, first of all, holy shit,

that was a spot-on Ryan impression.

Second, what the hell are you doing here?

It's over between us.

Must be the pizza.

Kristen. Where have you been?

I tried calling you, like, six times!

My babysitter canceled at the last second,

so I really need you to help me out, okay?

You know, since you're the only guy in my life

who's really looking out for me?

Plus, you know, it'll give you a chance

to see what it'd be like to be his guardian.

Of course, yeah.

Yeah... boy!

Joffrey's in the house!

J-Money, what's popping?!

Oh, that's Michael.

You wanted to meet him, right?

Yeah, I know.

Hey. Michael, this is my brother, Ryan.

Oh, hey, Ryan. Michael. Hey.

Did you have trouble finding the house?

No, I got a GPS thing in my car.

Couldn't wait two minutes, right?

I-I've got him.

Oh, it's okay, buddy.

Uncle Ryan's here.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

It'll be fine.

Hi there, Joffrey!

I'm Mr. Bear.

Would you like to be my friend?

I'd like to be your friend.

Seems like you're not the only one

who can do spot-on impressions, eh, Bear?

Told you he was good. Okay, I'm just gonna go

to the bathroom, and then we'll leave.

Okay.

So...

where are you planning on taking my sister tonight?

Oh, there's this, uh, little Italian restaurant

I've been wanting to try. Gennaro's?

Oh, cool, cool.

Is that your Honda out there?

Yeah.

Huh. Not exactly the kind of car

you'd expect a doctor to drive.

I'm not really a car guy, so...

Oh.

Sorry, I've got to take this outside, if you don't mind.

So, Joffs, I was thinking tonight

the two of us can go out

and maybe try heroin for the first time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you two were talking.

No, I think it's great that you two are talking.

You're a great listener, and, uh...

and Bear could use a friend right now.

So three cold ones, then, yeah?

Where's Michael? Outside on the phone.

Well, what do you think?

He seems great. Right?

And just so you know, if tonight goes

how I expect it to, there will be plenty

of opportunities for you to babysit.

Okay.

Like, a lot.

Like, overnight. Oh. Oh, I get it.

Okay. Well, call me if you need anything.

Okay. I won't need a thing.

Oh, uh, Kristen?

Thanks for trusting me with Joffrey.

It'll be nice to spend some alone time with him.

Good night.

What the hell?

Ah.

No, I get it.

We're divorced now, so you're fair game.

I'm cool with that.

You two have fun.

Look at them. Flaunting it in front of my face.

Yeah, I hope you used protection.

I wouldn't like for you to catch Bear's semen ants.

Semen ants?

That's the technical name for the colony of ants

living inside Bear that sustains itself

from the nutrients obtained from my semen.

Okay, I'm ending this line of conversation right now.

Oh. Well, see, that's the thing about semen ants.

No one wants to talk about it.

So how do we ever educate anyone about this epidemic?

You know, Obama has semen ants.

He rarely talks about it, but he's got 'em.

Are you gonna try and Google it?

Yeah, you won't find it on the normal Internet,

but it's all over the deep Web.

I'm not looking up Obama's semen ants.