Kevin James: Irregardless

That was for you.

That was my gift for you.

Yeah.

Gonna be honest, gave you a little too much.

I never go that long. That was little longer

than I expected. I got a little excited.

We're gonna bring it down.

'Cause everything hurts.

Everything hurts.

Last week I woke up, I asked my wife, "Hey."

"Did I play rugby yesterday?"

She's like, "No, you shook a can of paint for me."

She was right. This is all I did. This was it.

Because it was outside of my every day body movements,

I don't do this.

I felt it the day after.

I'm gonna feel this tomorrow

'cause I just did this for you guys right now.

It wasn't even a big can. I'm talking the little Häagen-Dazs size.

Body's falling apart.

Falling apart. It's horrible.

When to the doctor to get checked out. He said, "Everything's really good.

I do wanna let you know that you are prediabetic."

I was like, "Hmm, all right?"

Who isn't, right? I mean, come on.

Why would you even tell me that?

Do I have diabetes? He goes, "No."

But I could get diabetes?

He goes, "Yes."

Okay.

Do you have diabetes?

He goes, "No."

I go, "But could you get diabetes?"

He said, "I guess so."

I go, "Let me tell you something, you're prediabetic."

No charge. That's on the house.

Are you alive? Yeah.

You're also pre-dead. Sorry about that.

We're all gonna die.

Pre... Prediabetes.

If I have diabetes, tell me. I'll change the way I eat.

What's with the "pre"? That's how this world operates. "Pre."

Fear.

You might.

Almost, you don't know. Scan. Check. Pre-scan.

What? Huh? Yeah.

Everything's fear.

Did you hear about Julie? No, what's the matter with Julie?

She's borderline anemic.

Julie has anemia?

No. She's borderline. She's close.

So Julie's anemic? No, she's not anemic at all.

Here's the line if you would have anemia, you would be on this side of the line.

And if you don't have anemia,

you're on this side with everybody else.

Julie is on this side with everybody else.

She's just slightly ahead of us all,

closer to the line where she would have it if she did.

But she doesn't.

She's closer.

She's like in the whoa, you better watch out soon area,

like maybe.

So, what do you want me to do?

There's nothing you can do. She doesn't have it.

Then why are you telling me?

I just thought you might want a little more anxiety

added onto your plate with everything else that's going on the world.

You know, just think about Julie, right?

Prayers for Julie, you know what I'm saying?

I mean, how does she do it? How does she wake up every day?

To face another sunrise, trudging through the day,

knowing that she almost has something that she doesn't even have.

She's so close to almost having something that,

even if she did, it would be that bad. 'Cause--

She could clear it up with some red meat and a little B12.

She, she almost has it, man.

She's there. She's in trenches with this.

She has two kids. What does she tell them?

How do they grow up knowing that they have a mother that's gonna be fine?

Everything is fear.

It's pre-fear.

Fear. You don't know.

Fear. We have nothing to be afraid of.

We have nothing to be afraid of.

We really don't.

- We-- Yeah. Yes. -

Nothing.

We live in the safest times in all of human history.

We have nothing to fear. We are so blessed.

We are-- You know who had something to be afraid of?

Men fighting in the Revolutionary War. How about them?

Or the Civil War, right?

That's fear.

Right? Brother against brother.

Across an open field.

Chance of survival is minimal.

And you're the guy carrying the flag.

That's fear.

They're handing out muskets...

...and you get the flag.

Yeah, I'd like a musket, please.

Uh, sorry, we're all out. I can give you the flag.

What do I do with that?

Well, you see those line of guys over there,

with muskets, across that field?

You stand in front of them. You get right in front of them.

And you give it a little of this. You just got...

You want me to raise our symbol,

show the enemy exactly where to aim?

That's what they did. They didn't care.

They had courage back then.

Out in front.

Do it. Let's do it. Get it up there. Yes!

Waving that flag.

Be aggressive.

B-E aggressive.

B-E-A-G-R-G-I-G-F-E Aggressive!

They didn't care.

Aggressive.

I'd be waving that thing so low profile...

They'd be like, "Get that flag up! Let them know who we are!"

I'd be like, "I don't want the flag. Do you have a bayonet?"

"No, I got a snare drum and drum sticks. You want that?"

That's even worse.

Fire that thing up! Let them know we're coming!

- -

Play that thing! I'm playing it, I'm playing it.

I'd take out the brushes if I could, right?

- -

We have nothing to be afraid of.

We, we find things to be afraid of. We do.

Food companies know we're afraid. They know it.

That's why they're trying to make all their food sound healthy.

They market it that way.

Have a box of Cheerios.

My Cheerios says "may lower cholesterol" on the box.

Cheerios may lower cholesterol.

You know what I know about Cheerios

when it says "may lower cholesterol" on the box?

I know that Cheerios doesn't lower cholesterol.

'Cause if it did, it would say "Cheerios lowers cholesterol",

but it says "may."

It says "may."

So they, either, honestly, they don't know,

or they had the laziest scientists in the history of the world

working down at the Cheerio factory.

Where they just come in every day, "Hey, Wendell, how's it going?

Just checking to see where we stand with the whole cholesterol thing."

Can we put that Cheerios lowers cholesterol on the box?

Yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah. I would just stick with "may."

Just go with "may." You haven't figured it out?

No, we're trying to. We're plugging away, but there's a lot of stuff going on.

I got a phone call earlier.

I gotta take my daughter to soccer.

There's things getting involved here, you know.

Just go with "may."

Put "may." "May lower cholesterol."