Shameless

Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all

about knowing fuck all about owt,

needs to watch their back.

So, you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky-high,

literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.

Now you've got your Con-Dem nation,

Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.

Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word, or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know,

we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.

Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester

and they charge us for water.

I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land in ancient times...

Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now.

Party!

Can someone please explain the criteria for a lie

to be a little white lie?

Whose standard are we measuring this by?

Why don't we have labels for other sizes of lies?

Lies that are off-white, or darkening shades of grey,

until in the end they turn to big dirty pitch-black abominations?

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Uh-oh. A big rub.

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Wow!

LOW CHATTER

It pains me to admit it, but I never thought she'd be this good.

Er... need to change the barrel, yeah?

What for?

BRASS BAND PLAYING

RAISED VOICES

Jamie!

CHATTER

BRASS BAND PLAYING

BRASS BAND PLAYING

Oh, shit. Are you taking the piss?

Mam! Mam, leave it, leave it.

BAND PLAYING

CHEERING

Paddy?!

Get in!

BAND PLAYING

He just couldn't go quietly, could he?

Lady Diana had less people lining the streets.

God rest her soul.

When did he die?

Right? What are you doing?

Whoo!

I'm surprised they weren't wearing balaclavas.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ooh, that's a pretty one.

It's fucking lovely, Mimi!

All right, mate? How's it going?

Hiya.

All right?

How's it going, man?

Hey, I thought the IRA gave all their guns to the filth.

Yeah, well, plenty slipped through the net.

COCKING GUNS

Shane, cheers, mate. Good stuff.

See you, love, take care.

Nice weapon. Ha-ha-ha.

Talk about drawing attention, though.

He's not stupid. Now the police think he's dead, he can start all over.

So, where is he? Got off to Thailand, didn't he?

KNOCK AT DOOR

He'll be sipping cocktails on a beach somewhere in Koh Samui.

Or hanging out with some underage brass in Patpingpong.

Yeah! Ah, fuck this.

Hiya, Mimi. Hiya.

Fill your boots, lads.

'A Moss Side man has been arrested on suspicion of arson.

'The arrest follows a three-month-long investigation

'of a suspected firebomb attack on a house in...'

I need pushing to Chesney's. Well, why can't he take you?

He's got to further his education so he ends up nothing like you.

Oh!

Oh! Spare the fucking rod, Patty.

This is the 21st century. You can't buy a flagon of mead in the Jockey, you know.

And live rent-free as well? Well, helping out covers that.

Tinned food and chip shops? Tight bitch.

How many fucking brain cells is that gonna help me batter?

Take a look around, Frank.

All those child benefits, long gone.

Carl looks after me.

Occasionally. It's my money that keeps you going.

Plus, I couldn't trust you with any more than a tenner.

It was a one-off.

You would think I'd risk bankrolling

such disgusting behaviour at Lillian's again?

It's a proven timeless cure for lovesickness.

Even if you can't get it up?

You should never have driven Libby away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you'd kept it in your pants, she'd still be here.

'We want you to ring in and tell us your ideas...'

Cigs, please, Ches. And some green papers.

Hiya!

Chesney!

How long have you been there? You need to speak up, love.

I'll have you for discrimination.

Doubt it.

Keep your pork faggots!

Hey, little man. Procession was a bit OTT, wasn't it?

You just practise looking sad. Like the tears of a clown.

How's business? Demand's definitely there.

I could do four parties tomorrow if I had the staff.

Staff?

Shit. I have. I've double-booked.

Relying on other people can be hard work.

I thought you were supporting me.

You know I am. So, then, why do you keep avoiding me?

I love what you're doing.

Lend us 500 quid, then. It's cheap for a reason, Karen.

No, no, it's not cheap when you see what it can do.

You look after me and I might show you what I can do.

What's up with you? Not still missing Libby, are you?

Oh, fuck me! Hello! Vernon Francis doesn't lose any kip

cos the latest split-arse can't deal with the heat.

Everyone can see right through you!

Tell me, do I look bothered?

Don't feel sorry for him. You all saw how he treated her.

25% off any of the girls except Marcie and Mandy.

They've just been vagazzled. Swarovski.

Oh!

Do I look like some low-life punter with zero self-respect?

No offence, of course.

Suit yourself. Ah!

Oh! This bloody pub!

She'll be perfect.

I just need two more now.

You've got no chance.

Where there's a will...

I'm sick of it! How am I supposed to get in and out on my own?

Now what are you whinging on about?

Your toilets. You couldn't swing a cat in there.

Oh, yack, yack, yack. Buy a drink or shut the fuck up.

If they're too small I'll have you for discrimination.

Whoa! Fucking... Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Lower than a rattlesnake's clout.

Oh. Agreed!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

There's nothing worse.

Grasses make me sick. I haven't done anything!

And there's nothing for you to do if you're already barred.

Oh!

Back at the gaff, Strangelove!

I know they weren't together, but Mimi has just lost her husband.

That Scouse bitch shouldn't speak to me like that.

They're gangsters!

More plastic than a Tupperware party.

I remember when Manchester had real villains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old-school QSG?

Those old fuckers wouldn't last ten minutes on the streets today.

You don't mess with the Maguires. Half-breed tinkers? Don't scare me.

Here. Read that bit.

"2.2 by 1.8..."

Mm-hm. Er...

"With a minimum turning circle of 1.5 metres."

Right, come on.

That's it there. See?

Knew it! Miles out. Pass me the phone.

It's about time somebody stood up to those bullies.

Sorry for your loss.

CHEERING

That's every police station in South Manchester.

Something wrong with your legs? What am I supposed to put the ale in?

LAUGHTER

Do us a favour, will you? Collect some glasses.

I've done a lot worse for a lot less.

HORN TOOTS

I'm gonna go lie down a minute, yeah?

Why can't you juggle like that?

Because that knobhead was born a clown.

Karma police.

Paddy Maguire, bang to rights.

Hey, what's the odds on old nick-nack Paddy-whack

drifting off all peaceful with a smile on his napper?

Fucking no chance.

Chuckie ar la.

Bet half of him's not even in there, know what I mean? Vroom!

Think he is chopped up?

What happened to you chatting me up?

What's the point if you won't let me do anything?

Gaz Sharpe gave me this just to watch me bend over from behind.

I only want a kiss.

A kiss is actual contact. Intimate.

Even prostitutes don't do that.

I'll have to work out what it's worth.

What do we want? Toilets!

When do we want them? Now!

What do we want?

What the...?

When do we want them? Now!

What do we want? Toilets!

When do we want them? You're having a laugh.