What We Do in the Shadows

Welcome to the quarterly report with yours truly,

-me. -

All right. So investments by sector...

Things are going really great at work.

I feel like I finally found what I'm meant to do in life.

-Jimmy. -

-Does anyone ever call you Big Red? -No.

And it feels really great to finally be, you know, appreciated.

Let's go.

-Out. - Out.

-Oh! -Fuck!

I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

Everything is coming up Guillermo.

Fuck you too.

Okay. All my best to Patrice. Bye.

-Dude, that move you made on Salazar. -Mmm.

Holy shit. How did you know that we should short that?

You know someone over there?

Just did my research. Just leave it at that.

You know what I say,

you do whatever you can get away with, right?

And don't use that.

That's the kinda shit that we look for in our full-time analyst.

Mr. Nelson was saying he's very pleased

-with your work. -What?

You could be moving up here real quick, G.

-Oh. -In fact,

tomorrow night, we should have a little rager here

and toast to your badass self.

Think about preppin' a speech

'cause I got something special planned for you

that you are gonna love.

Invite some friends, huh?

-Yeah. -You do have friends, don't ya?

-Yeah. Okay. I got tons of friends. -Cool, I wanna meet 'em!

So I'll be making a speech

and you would all be attending as my friends.

Well, friends as in your friends or someone else's?

Someone else's feels better.

Ah, I would be attending as a valued Cannon Capital employee,

not your friend.

Okay, you know what? Forget it. Forget I even asked.

Nonsense. I will also be attending as a former employee.

And don't worry, I will not be "triggered"

by returning to the corridors I once kept so very tidy

as chief supreme janitor.

I think you were just a regular janitor.

And I too shall attend, for your soiree shall be the perfect debut

-for my completed Cravensworth's Monster. - Oh.

It's been a rocky road, but as you can see,

-he's quite the handsome chap. -

And far smarter than Nandor.

-What the fuck? - Yeah.

I don't know, Laszlo. I mean,

the last time we took him around other people,

he popped Jerry's head like a swollen tick.

Jerry did pretty much deserve that.

And he's promised not to do it again.

Stand up. Come round here.

If you're going to insist on bringing him,

he simply must wear trousers.

Not tonight, Josephine.

All right, it's official.

You are swagged out.

-Will Laszlo like? -Do you like?

Laszlo master. What would Laszlo like?

Okay. You know, you and I don't have to go to this party, Monster.

I mean, we could stay home and binge watch a season of USOT.

United States of Tara.

No. Laszlo say we go party.

But is that what you want?

Want make Laszlo proud.

Do you want to make me proud?

Laszlo master.

Yeah, all right.

-Hey you, guys. - Oh!

Today everyone is talking about the man of the hour.

Whatever you heard, don't believe it. None of it's true.

Come on! We heard the Salazar short was all you.

Uh... Yeah, that part is true. You can believe it.

-I believe 'em. I'm a believer. -Oh, yep!

Oh. Excuse me for a moment. You made it!

-Look at this! It's the friends! -Yeah.

-They're real. Pinch me. -Pinch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Sorry. -Don't mind the cameras here.

We're making a little promotional documentary

about Cannon Capital in, what we like to call, the Cannon way.

-So you'll get used to 'em. -Jordan.

Ah. Yes, Nan... Nancy?

-Yeah. - Leave it with me.

I say my perfectly normal friend here needs to take a piss.

-Ah. -Where would he do that?

Toilet now.

-Uh, just down the hall on the left. -Thanking you. Come on.

Come on. It's to the left.

Maybe I'm trippin' out here,

but isn't that the guy that beat the fuckin' shit out of you? Bald guy?

- What? I don't think so. -Looks like him.

-Mmm. Mm-hmm. -And... Hey, you.

Weren't you a janitor here?

Ha. I get that a lot. No, that was, um, uh...

my slow-witted brother who looks a lot like me,

but he's a completely different guy.

- Well, small world, huh? -Yeah.

But, listen. Sorry we had to let your brother go.

It just wasn't a good culture fit, you know?

Sure, sure.

I guess he just didn't make the grade, so...

I'm glad I'm not that guy.

You tellin' me. So, what do you do?

I used to command armies in the Middle East.

-Top secret stuff. - Sure. Yes.

Like Mossad?

-Gesundheit. - Guillermo, shots! Come on.

-Oh, no. - You're taking two shots!

-He's taking some shots! - Set him up, Jimmy.

Okay. But I'll be right back. I'll be right back though.

So how do you know Guillermo?

Oh, he used to be my right-hand man for many years.

Man, I wish I had four Guillermos, right?

Really lightened my load around here.

I wish I had two Guillermos.

Then you could have one. I would have one.

And then the two Guillermos could become friends or even lovers.

And I could say like, "Hey, Guillermo, go fuck yourself."

And then he could do that.

Okay, well...

-Cut that. -Nice meeting you.

- There he is. -Oh, yeah.

No. I cannot wait to start working with you.

All right. Take care.

No, you take care.

How about we both take care? Stop it. Okay. Bye.

What?

I have just been offered an incredible new job.

But is Guillermo gonna be okay without you watching over him the whole time?

-Doing what? -Remember?

The reason you started working here in the first place?

Oh, right! I guess I completely forgot about that.

Oh, well. Fuck it.

He's doing fine, isn't he?

I certainly am.

I must admit, I am sad to be leaving Cannon Capital.

I never quite figured out what it is we actually do here.

Lamps?

Making and/or selling really enormous lamps?

But... ...there's a lot more work

to be done before I can truly celebrate.

Unfortunately, when you are quitting your job in human world,

you have to burn all of your bridges at your workplace.

It is a very mysterious human custom.

I think that they do it so that their coworkers

that they leave behind will not miss them so much.

It's sort of sweet.

I do not fully understand this tradition,

but as they say in ancient Callipraxos...

Which means "fuck up as much shit as possible."

Yeah, they were a really destructive society.

What's he saying?

-It's Latin, you pricks. - I knew that.

Hey, why don't we take a break

and see how many pizza rolls we can get in your mouth?

Laszlo happy?

No. Recite pi to the fiftieth point.

3.1416?

Five! Five!

What are you doing? He's not having any fun.

Of course he is. He's having a great time.

He's the life of the party.

No, he's not.

And I don't appreciate you trotting him out like some dancing bear.

Well, I don't give a monkey's what you appreciate.

He's as happy as a horse.

I suggest you go and get yourself a cocktail.

You get yourself a cocktail.

- Seven. - Did he get it?

- Yes. -Of course he did.

He's the best, that's why. Come out here.

Gather around, everyone. I want you to watch this.

That's it. Out you come. Fast as you can.

Turn the music on.

- -He likes this one.

I mean, he's no Patrick Swayze, but he can dance.

Pretty good, right? That's it.

I stop now?

No, no. You stop when I damn well tell you.

He never gets tired. He can do that all night.

Oh, Cathy. I've been meaning to tell you,

your spreadsheets are absolute hogshit, girlie.

It's, like, are you numerically demented or something?

And Brock,

your fiancée has been cheating on you with your brother for ages.

I'm gonna miss you both so much.

Shit.

Oh, hi. Have you seen Jordan?

Someone broke the glass in conference room B.

-Lisa, my favorite. -Oh, come on.

-Your voice is incredibly deep... -Yes.