Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill

'San Francisco.

'Town city of gleaming spires. People live here.

'Golden Gate Bridge.

'The Romans came here. They built buildings with things.

'Ducks. Cows. Cows who look weird.

'And convicts.‘

'Criminal element. San Francisco is no exception.

'Criminals who look quite ordinary

'but are more criminal than you could ever guess.

'I'm taken in their prison transportation, down, down.

'towards Alcatraz.

'Once a Native American paradise.

'where people worshipped the gods of the Native Americans.

'But now a prison. as the guard tightens the chains

'and signals to the people and prison wardens of Alcatraz -

'prisoners coming, prisoners coming!

'The torture gear there. He tightens the chains

'as the man in the back says. "No more drugs for you.

"'You can't afford any till Tuesday."

'Yes, drugs are rife.

'Everyone here is in for a big old crime.

'The woman in red. she's in for stealing hubcaps.

'What a hellish crime!

'She will never see her family again. They've been sent somewhere.

'But they try to keep their spirits up.

'Gallows humour, yes. it happens in all prisons. Alcatraz.

'As the FBI agent takes photos of likely troublemakers.

'the guard signals again - "for God's sake, prisoners coming!"

'Coming now. Prisoners.

'Prisoners coming, coming. coming through. Pris... Pris...

'People holding on to bananas as more drugs money is exchanged

'for favours and drugs, mainly.

'The FBI woman takes a close-up photo of somebody's kneecaps.

'How tight can chains be pulled. for God's sake? Alcatraz.‘

I started here in '65

and I got 30 years plus a few months.

In 30 years I've found out people from everywhere are all the same.

'Freddie Dingo there. a few wise words from him.

'FBI agent looks on as the woman in red stares - in terror.

'The prisoners are led off, off to Alcatraz

'as special FBI agents check the prison transportation vehicle

'to make sure no one has Sellotaped themselves to the ceiling

'or hidden underneath. disguised as a wheel.

'Freddie and Jeff Stinger here. famous bank robbers.

'being taken to Alcatraz at the end of their life.

'Alcatraz. In the sun, it's almost pretty. It's got a lighthouse.

'And a big thing at the back that looks like a monster.

'But no, it's Alcatraz.

'Once an island paradise. now a penitentiary.

'Tonight's show is brought to you by the prisoners of Alcatraz.‘

In heels, as well. Yeah.

Yes. I'm a professional transvestite

so I can run about in heels and not fall over.

If women fall over in heels. that's embarrassing

but if a bloke falls over in heels. you have to kill yourself.

End of your life. It's quite difficult.

So. San Francisco. San Francisco. San Francisco!

Not San Fran, no, apparently not.

I didn't know. I would've said San Fran

but you'd go. "We don't like San Fran. Fuck it."

Or what's the other one? Frisco, you don't like that, either.

And you're a city of snakes, I see.

Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag.

No other cities have snakes as much as you.

New York, no fucking snakes. Paris, London, no snakes.

San Francisco. full of fucking snakes!

We did that at school.

So you can call it "the City".

The City.

OK, and you don't tell tourists about, er...

the weather in July and August. You don't fucking tell anyone.

They're all going round in summer shirts going, "Jesus Christ.

"I can't see! I can't see!

"Fog, there's fog!"

And it really shifts it, your fog.

I saw John Carpenter's film The Fog and that fog shifts it.

I thought, "That's Hollywood - fog moving fast."

But your fog is that speed.

Busy, busy, busy.

It could be late to get in someone's face somewhere.

It runs down the road, doesn't it?

Boom! Whoosh! Nyyyaoum!

Faster than the fucking taxis!

Of which there are five.

I don't know what that's about.

You're a no-taxi city, aren't you?

Five taxis, all going. "I got people in."

Hours. Nyyyaaaoum, nyaaoum, nyaoum.

Then when you get in. they don't know where they're going.

I had to tell the guy. "Get in the back. I'll drive."

He's sitting in the back going. "I don't know.

"I've only lived here four million years."

Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on and becomes a rhesus monkey.

No one talks on a cable car. they just hang and stare.

The guy in the front, no steering wheel, going, "What the fuck?

"What the fuck's this one?"

Pulling levers, levers.

Is it four levers that just do fuck all?

He's always ringing that bell. going, "Help! Help!" Ding-ding-ding!

Endless bell-ringing. What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

The bells.

Him and the guy from the stock market are the same person.

At the end of the stock market. they ring a bell. It's the same bell.

Never link those two together again.

So, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid.

Yes, I say that and people go. "Oh, yeah, yeah."

I was going to be in the army.

Cos if you're a transvestite. you're actually a male tomboy.

It's not drag queen. Gay men have got that covered.

And this is male tomboy.

People get that mixed up. They put transvestite there. No!

Bit of a crowbar separation. thank you.

Gay men I think would agree.

It's male lesbian. That's really where it is.

Because...

It's true, most transvestites fancy women, that's where it is.

Running, jumping, climbing trees.

putting on make-up when you're up there, that's where it is.

I used to keep all my make-up in a squirrel hole up the tree.

The squirrel would keep make-up on one side, nuts on the other.

Sometimes that squirrel would be covered in make-up.

"La-Ia, Ia-Iaaa...

"Oh, ooh!

"What?

"Fuck off."

He seemed to say.

Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands.

Occasionally they stop and go...

As if they're going. "Did I leave the gas on?

"No, I'm a fucking squirrel."

And occasionally they go. "Fucking nuts!

"I'm fed up with them, always. I long for a grapefruit."

Yeah. So that's very much like the army. And, erm...

The running, jumping. climbing trees, not the squirrel bit.

And I was into a lot of the army stuff -

running, jumping, standing still. "found you!", flag, hat.

Bang! I liked all that stuff. I liked blowing up milk bottles.

Kill the milk bottles. explode them, yes.

It seemed fun. it was a thing of power.

There's all this National Rifle Association here.

13-year-olds get hold of weapons from their grandfather's arsenal.

"I'll borrow the Howitzer. the M-16 machine gun, the Uzi..."

What the fuck's the grandfather doing?

This kid in Arkansas helped himself to a ton of military weapons

and went and blew away his school.

The NRA says that guns don't kill people, people do.

But I think the gun helps.

I think it helps. Standing there going, "Bang!"

That's not gonna kill too many people, is it?

He'd have to be really dodgy on the heart...

Bang! Bang! Boom! Bang! Rat-a-tat!

Boom! Bang!

I think they should just try that.

But shooting clay pigeons. yeah, go for that.

Clay pigeons are fuckers!

Come round your house. whizz through... Fffoooh! Fffoooh!

They do nothing. they don't even eat flies.

Spiders eat flies so they're all right, keep them.

Flies don't eat fuck all so kill them.

Clay pigeons get shot in the air. Wait till they land!

Then go up to the clay pigeon...

Much easier.

Yeah. So I didn't join the army. as you might have noticed.

And, er... Yeah. Cos there's not much make-up in the army.

They only have that night-time look and that's a bit slapdash.

And they look a mess.

You can't join. Even though the American armed forces

have a distinct policy of "don't ask, don't tell".

if you're a bloke wearing a lot of make-up, they don't need to ask.

So you can't join.

They go, "No, it's the wrong shade of lipstick for the army."

They're missing a huge opportunity.

because one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise.

So what could be more surprising

than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade?

Airborne wing. The airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas

with fantastic make-up and a fantastic gun.

The opposing force is going. "Fucking hell, look at these guys.

"Look at that.

"They've got guns! Jesus, where's my gun?

"Ah, bugger.

"I was so surprised. Were you surprised?"

Anyway. So yes, so... Do-doo do-doo do-doo, bom-bom

And transvestites get lumped into that weirdo grouping.

There was a guy in the Bronx when I was in New York.

he was living in a cave, like you do.

and he was coming out and shooting at geese.

a lot of weird things going on with him.

In his cave, the police found a collection of women's shoes.

They said, "He's a transvestite." But he's a weirdo transvestite.

I'm much more in the executive transvestite area.

We travel the world. it's more executive.

J Edgar Hoover. what a fuckhead he was.

They found out he was a transvestite and they go.

"That explains his weird behaviour."

Yeah, fucking weirdo transvestite.

Executive transvestite.

It's a wider community. more wide than you'd think.

Yes. And, erm...

I grew up in Europe. where the history comes from.