Samuel the Boy Prophet

Oh man, I did not get a lot of sleep after that earthquake last night.

Yeah, me neither.

I got to meet my neighbors, though.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

There was one guy who had a whole bunch of my old credit card receipts.

And how cool is that? It's like a super fan.

And how's Roxie? She okay?

She slept through the whole thing.

That's her pure heart.

No worries to keep her awake.

Well, it's either that or the 48 hours of straight partying.

That girl knows how to live life.

Sleeping her day away.

"Sorry, closed today. Earthquake damage."

Yeah, all right!

That's a paid day off right there.

But you know what? Promise I'm not gonna waste this one.

See, there was a power outage back in January

and I spent the whole day trying to peel an orange in one piece.

Closest I got was 12 pieces.

That's pretty good.

It's from Patti. Ah...

"Earthquake damage. Handyman me.

"Will pay you with a fat Franklin."

Hope that means 100 bucks and not a sex position.

Ha! Right?

- You're sick. - Come on.

- But I like it. - Yeah.

Um, anyway, I got...

- I got some big news. - Oh, yeah?

I got contacted by this headhunter who wanted to know

if I was interested in a new job.

- Cool. - Yeah, might be out of town.

And I might be getting pissed off right now, Kev.

Don't you dare put me on this roller coaster again.

Man, I gotta at least hear what she has to offer, right?

I'm gonna video chat with her later this morning.

What about Audrey?

Ever since my big stand, she's just backed right off. You know?

Unless, of course, she's reminding me

that she has a boyfriend. It's incessant.

Brock thinks...

Brock says... Brock did...

Brock... Brock... Brock...

So, if she's doubling down on Brock, then I might as well be somewhere else.

But, hey, you know,

at least you and Roxie will have each other.

Nah, no we won't. Not in a biblical sense.

Meaning, like, we wouldn't...

go to church together because...

that girl isn't... built for church.

I'm gonna walk you to chur... work.

- Let's go on to work again. - Okay.

Have a good one.

Oh, Kevin!

That was some earthquake last night.

Sorry, I promised Brock I'd call him when I got to work safely.

So, excuse me.

Julia's not coming in because of the earthquake.

She had structural damage.

One of her boobs popped.

Oh.

So, we have to do an earthquake drill without her.

Corporate mandate.

I thought you should know since you're earthquake captain.

What? Why? Since when?

Apparently, when you applied to work here,

you listed CPR certified on your resume under special skills.

We await your orders.

Kind of ironic since under special skills

I put "extensive knowledge of plate tectonics."

But, whatever.

Roxie, what are you doing here?

Did you know that there was an earthquake last night?

Yes, I did. It woke me right up.

Well, when I woke up an hour ago, the freakiest thing happened.

You know that cinnamon-scented candle I have?

You know, the one that I use to cover up the smells of sweaty, steamy...

Know the candle. Did not know its purpose.

Well, it was shattered! Glass all over my floor.

Thank God that lady I call to clean the apartment sometimes

swept it up before I got out of bed.

So, you're okay, and you'll get a new candle,

and you'll never tell me what it's for again.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where are you going?

I have to go organize this earthquake drill,

which could not come at a worse time.

But I'm just gonna power through.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Some weird sibling instinct deep in my brain

told me to reach out to you.

Hmm.

And now, another instinct is telling me to let go

'cause your hand is like a sweaty meat pie.

Thank you.

Wait, I love you, though.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

But Patti didn't send you that text. I sent it from her phone.

Oh. That's cool.

I'm no stranger to false pretenses.

There is a crack in the plaster in the bedroom.

I told Patti I would fix it. I cannot.

And, I'm afraid after last night Patti may be questioning my manhood.

- (rumbling) - Dev: What's that?

-It's an earthquake. It's an earthquake! -(car alarms blaring)

Aah! I'm not ready to die!

It was not my finest hour.

Okay. Here's what we do.

I'm gonna fix the plaster. Okay?

But then you're gonna take a selfie and you're gonna send it to her

to make it look like you did it yourself.

Oh, thank you. That's brilliant.

What do I owe you?

Oh, no, brother, look, look, this is bigger than money.

Okay, we're not just rebuilding a wall.

We're rebuilding a man.

I'm gonna teach you everything.

I should not be tearing up, should I?

No.

'Cause you know, if you do, then I might.

- Right? - Yeah.

-And we gotta stay strong, right? -Yeah.

- It's man time! - Yeah.

- Man time! - Man time!

-Now follow me into the bedroom, man. -Okay.

We're the smart ones, right?

Day after an earthquake. Short lines.

I'm just here to get my driver's license photo retaken.

I know, right?

And it's so annoying when someone cards you and they look at the picture,

and then they look at me, and you know they're thinking,

"But you're so beautiful, and that picture is so average."

So, how'd your man act during the earthquake?

Oh, he ran to my side and he threw himself over me.

Why would you say something like that?

Hey, look at this.

So, now he's a man?

This does not undo all the screaming, okay?

If you're gonna be yelling about the big one in the bedroom,

it had better be about something other than an earthquake, am I right?

I think it's sweet.

You're oh-for-two, lady.

It's not sweet. It's sad.

Okay. "There has been an earthquake, magnitude 6.2... "

Roxie, what are you still doing here?

I don't know. I mean,

I should be mercilessly mocking you for being an earthquake captain,

and yet, I feel like I don't want to leave you and your stupid ugly vest.

Oh, that's so nice, but I actually don't have time for this right now.

Kevin, I could have died in the earthquake today!

Or worse, the guy with the gross comb-over, who lives upstairs,

could have fallen through the ceiling and pinned me for hours.

Okay, I've told you before, that's not a guy. Her name is Candy, and she has...

Life is too short!

And I realize that I haven't always been the sister that I should be,

but I wanna change that now.

Oh my God, what is happening to me?

Sounds like you're having an epiphany.

The same thing happened to me at Souplantation

when I saw them rotate the potato salad.

I realized

you can't sit around and wait for someone else

to hide the slimy film covering your life.

Girl, you need to rotate that potato salad yo-self.

Oh, my God.

You're right!

I am having an epiphany.

This is amazing.

God, I feel like I need to share this feeling with other people.

This says I need to assign injuries to people.

Someone will have to play emergency personnel.

We have to designate a triage area and show people how to use water purifiers.

I mean, is there a shorter practice drill?

I don't know, Kevin.

Let's ask the survivors of the great 1906 San Francisco earthquake

where we should cut corners.

I think they're all dead.

Exactly.

I'll be first responder.

Ooh! Spinal cord injury.

Hey, I hear you're an actress.

I may need your help with my lines later.

And an accent, y'all.

Right.

Oh. I didn't know you were in here.

- I was just going to... - Checking on Brock?

Well, yes.

I mean, he is my long-term boyfriend.

Of course. Of course he is. We'll leave you to it.

Okay.

Wait. Did something happen between you guys? You seemed mad at her?

No, I'm not mad. I'm just tense.

Wait. Why are you tense?

Listen, this is post-epiphany Roxie.

You can tell me anything. I'm totes reliable.

Okay, look.

I haven't told anyone here,

but I'm actually looking for a new job.