Saturday Night Live

Good evening

- I'm your moderator, Chris - Wallace.

And I think I'm going to do a

really, really good job tonight.

First, I want to lay out the

rules.

Which both parties agreed to in

advance.

- Each candidate will have two - minutes uninterrupted.

Boring.

Mr. President, I haven't even

introduced the candidates yet.

Tell that to my Adderall,

- Chris. - Now let's get this show on the

Road and off the rails

and you did take the covid

- test you promised to take in - advance, correct

Absolutely.

Scout's honor.

President Trump has already - introduced himself

So let's now welcome the

Democratic candidate

boo

here comes the booing.

Former vice president of the

United States.

Allegedly

and senator from Delaware

not even a real state

Joe biden

Mr. Vice president

just one second, Chris.

Okay

it looks like you're ready to - debate, Joe.

Absolutely not.

But I've got the beginning of 46

fantastic ideas.

I may or may not have access to.

Now, let's do this

I'm holding my bladder

let's get at her

tonight we'll be discussing

six major topics, none of which

- anyone will remember by - tomorrow

- We begin with the supreme court. - President Trump, two minutes

I'm going to do ten

and I'd like to begin with a

- list of complaints - people are mean to me.

- Joe here is very mean. - Chris Wallace is mean.

The economy is mean.

It keeps losing jobs

- which is mean. - To me.

The China virus has been very

mean to me

and being a hoax

and that statement is something

that I will... probably come

back to haunt me later this

- week and what about the question I

- Asked you about the supreme - court?

I think I already answered

that question, Chris

we're very excited about our

nominee, Amy Christina

- Barcelona. - It was so nice to welcome her

The other day with open arms and

uncovered faces.

Mr. Vice president, same - question

You have two minutes

thank you, Chris.

- Now, look. - Here's the deal.

No, it's not.

Excuse me

- please - could you just...

No.

Whatever you're going to say,

no

Mr. President

- Mr. President, please let him - speak.

- He let you speak - now let him speak.

But he's lying.

I can't point out if he says a

lie?

I said two words, you son of

a... no.

Don't do it, Joe

that's exactly what he wants

don't let your inner whitey

bulger come out.

Just flash them all that smile

they taught you in anger

management

now, Mr. Vice president and

only Mr. Vice president, would

you consider adding additional

justices to the supreme court?

He won't even answer. I just asked the question

He won't even answer it

just like he won't he answer

about his son hunter and burisma

and the mayor of Moscow and

Obama was spying on me and he

e-mailed Benghazi.

Mr. President, you're just - listing terms you heard on fox

- News - it sounds like you're saying the

Names of characters from season

4 of a show that no one has

- watched. Sheriff of Portland

Mr. Vice president, your

turn

look, here's the deal can I respond to that, Chris?

Will you just shut up, man?

[ Cheers and applause

- no, Joe. - No

Don't lose control

it's what he's hoping for.

Okay

Where was I?

You said "look, here's the

deal."

Okay.

Look, here's the deal.

Nope

lost it.

Come back to me.

- I'll find it - it's up here somewhere

Chris, can I say one thing?

Am I allowed to say one thing?

Yes, Mr. President.

What we need in this country

is law and order

when someone breaks the rules,

- they need to face the - consequences

- No exceptions. Okay.

- What about your taxes? There have to be exceptions,

Chris.

The terms law and order, they're

very vague terms

and rules are meant to be

- broken - it's the same with masks

- I've got mine right here in my - pocket

Okay

it's right here.

But you don't need a mask all

- the time - it's like a seat belt.

- You just wear it when you're - backing out of the driveway,

Then you can take it off

- but Joe wears the biggest mask - you've ever seen

And he's always standing like

200 feet away from people.

Look, man

I'm a nice guy

- but if you give me any more guff - tonight I'll rip your face off

Like a mad chimp

I'll knock that thing off your

head and burn it

Bury it in the pet cemetery

where it came from

stop it, Joe

stop it.

You can't lose your cool just

because this joker's raising

little monkey dust

the country's counting on you.

Just stand here and look lucid

I know it.

I know what'll calm me down.

My new Harry styles meditation

tape

we dip our toes in cold wet

sand

nice.

We sit and face the sea

cleansing

we let the waves watch over

- US - alone.

Just you and me.

Hey

I think maybe I should listen

to my meditation tape as well.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Freedom, Liberty and the

American dream

the best is yet to come!

Aaaaahhh

all right, all right.

- Can we please have a civilized - dialogue

Debates are a time-honored

tradition and the bedrock of

American democracy

gay

Mr. President, if you keep

- interrupting this debate, I'll - do absolutely nothing about it

Okay, okay.

I'll be quiet.

I don't want to be dictated - to

And I'm not going to be

distracted anymore by this clown

- tonight. - Okay

- I'm definitely going to - concentrate.