Taylor Tomlinson: Prodigal Daughter

There's not a soul out there No one to hear my prayer

Gimme, gimme, gimme A man after midnight

Won't somebody help me Chase the shadows away?

Thank you for coming to this.

You did not have to. AI's getting pretty good.

It is getting way too good. I don't trust it.

My iPhone started capitalizing the G in "God" again without asking me.

Happen to anyone else?

I don't know which update, but my iPhone's like,

"Did you mean 'King of Kings'?"

The robots are coming, and they love the Lord.

Are you guys worried about the robots? You concerned? Yeah.

Have you looked at the people in your life,

your friends, your family, and then back at yourself and gone,

"Uh-oh."

"I'm gonna be the one who falls in love with a robot."

Have you been honest? It's okay. It's gonna be me.

That's why I don't use ChatGPT. I'm not ready for a relationship.

I'm holding strong now,

but in a few years when robot partners are available at Best Buy,

yeah, it's gonna be me, drunk at the dinner party,

defending my robot husband to all my friends like,

"Oh, I'm sorry. What even is a 'soul,' you guys?"

"Can you define it? That's what I thought."

"Also, I've met your lame-ass husband, Chelsea."

"Don't try to tell me you don't plug his ass in at night."

"Okay?"

"'Oh, it's the CPAP machine. He'll die.'"

"Whatever. His stories are long, okay?"

"Now, show some respect."

"He's not an air fryer. He's the love of my life."

"Look him in the eyes."

"His pronouns are not 'it/that.'"

"Yours are 'bitch/BITCH,' all right?"

"They are different. One is all caps."

I like the idea of a robot partner

'cause I think I'm less likely to fuck that up.

I said "less."

No, you're right. I'll still find ways to be shitty and jealous of a robot.

Like, "Why are you always by the dishwasher?"

"Is her rack bigger than mine?"

"Does she get wetter than me?"

"Is it 'cause she makes bubbles? I can make bubbles."

"I'll get an infection, but if you need bubbles, like…"

I used to be a toxic girlfriend.

I've worked on it a lot in therapy over the years.

I was a nightmare in my twenties. I was dating a guy once.

We were on the couch one night. We weren't fighting.

I thought that was weird, so I turned to him

and I said, "Hey, babe,

if you found out that we were cousins…

would you break up with me?"

And he goes,

"Yes!"

And I was like, "Whoa, fast."

"No follow-up questions. You're just out like that?"

He goes, "It's illegal, Taylor."

I'm like, "So are mushrooms, and we did those."

"Now you're this law-abiding citizen just 'cause we're cousins?"

He goes, "You're so wrong about this. Ask anyone we know."

So I texted the three happiest couples in my phone, and I said,

"If you found out you're cousins, you didn't know when you met,

haven't known this whole time,

have the same relationship you always had,

but whoops, you're cousins, would you break up?"

And they all wrote back,

"Do we have to tell anybody?"

I showed him my phone, and I said,

"That's what love looks like."

Quick poll…

If you found out your partner was your cousin,

clap if you'd break up with them.

Okay, that's a lot of people.

No, don't discuss. Fight in the car. Fight in the car.

Okay, now, if you found out your partner was a robot,

clap if you'd break up with them.

Oh, interesting.

Bit of a drop-off over here.

Some of us clapped for cousin and not for robot.

Okay, so we're going to abandon our family…

but we'll keep fucking the toaster.

Okay, that makes sense.

I really was triggered by the capital-G "God" in my phone

because I have religious trauma.

Anybody else?

Thought you might.

Religious trauma means you grew up in church,

you're not religious anymore, but now anytime you feel good,

you feel kinda bad about it.

Like, have you ever had a dip in the middle of an orgasm? Like…

That dip is Jesus…

spraying you in the face with a water bottle.

That's why I don't say "Oh God" during sex.

He's like Beetlejuice. He'll show up.

To be clear, I'm not an atheist, I just don't know what happens.

Neither do you. Spoiler alert, nobody knows.

I've never related to the certainty

so many Christians feel where they're like, "I just know."

"But how do you know there's a God?" "I just know."

The only time I've ever just known something,

it was that I had diarrhea.

That's the only time.

The only time I've ever been like…

Oh.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And I did start praying.

I resent both sides equally.

I hate when people are like, "No God, just darkness, fuck you."

Hate when people are like, "There's a God. Here's his address. He loves me best."

I just hate confidence. That's really what it is.

I cannot stand it when people are too confident.

I have one very confident friend. That's it.

That's all I can handle in my life.

One friend, so confident.

You know that hot girl in eighth grade who always came into class late

with a Frappuccino, and you're like, "We get it. Your mom had you on purpose."

She's like that.

So I can only see her every, like, six to eight months.

We got lunch a couple months ago.

Our food comes to the table.

She immediately sends her food back to the kitchen.

Did you know you could do that outside of a film?

She did it in real life.

I go, "What was wrong with it?" She goes, "There was a hair in it."

One hair.

There would have to be a toupee on my lasagna.

Even then, I'd be like, "So sorry."

"I should have asked for this without toupee."

"I… No, I understand it's a garnish."

"It's just sort of triggering in this political climate, but…"

"But I understand. It looks very natural. Thank you, chef. I'll pick around it."

I don't think I'm smarter than religious people.

I hate it when atheists talk down to anyone who believes in God.

I've believed a lot of stupid shit in my life.

God's not even top three, okay?

I've believed tall guys.

"He plays guitar, he must be nice." I'm dumb, all right?

When my religious family members talk about God,

like, "God got me through the hardest years of my life,"

I'm like, "Shit. That's how I talk about Gilmore Girls."

Like, I'm an idiot.

And I capitalize those Gs.

I make sure every time.

That's right. Yeah.

I have a lot of Christians in my life, a lot of people praying for me,

which I try not to take personally.

You ever have someone say they're praying for you,

and you don't know what they're referring to?

"Hey, I wanna let you know I'm praying for you."

"What?"

"I'm not sick."

"Yeah? Well, I'm praying for you. What do you think about that, Bev?"

"Heard you need it, bitch."

She's like, "God's been putting you on my heart lately."

"Tell God to scrape me off your heart because I'm doing awesome, okay?"

"I don't know what you heard in the church parking lot,

but that was a family matter, Bev."

"I'm gonna tint the van windows."

I have a lot of cool Christians in my life.

Cool Christians love to let you know they're cool.

They do. They love to, like, swear in front of you.

They're like, "Look, I understand why you have doubts. I get it. I watch the news."

"Shit is fucked up."

Then they look at you like they did a trick on a skateboard.

I have an uncle who's a pastor. Really cool guy.

He's very humble, down to earth.

Not one of these megachurch douchebags who wears expensive sneakers

and, like, writes a book with his face on it.

Every time I see a pastor on a book tour, I'm like, "Hey, man."

"Weren't you already promoting a book? Like…"

"I don't know… I just…"

"How many bestsellers do you need, Joel?"

My uncle's cool. The only person who understands what I do for work.

He and I have similar jobs.

We're both out here on the weekends, changing lives. Yeah.

No, he hates it when I say that.

He hates it so much. I'm always trying to talk shop with him.

I'm like, "Hey, Jim. How was your early show?"

"You know it's first service, Taylor."

I'm like, "I just noticed you had a heckler on the late one."

He goes, "That person was yelling 'Amen' and 'Hallelujah' to agree."

"Worst kind of heckler, Jim, because they're being supportive,

but they're still disrupting your flow, right?"

I go, "You know, I donate 10% of what I make too."

He's like, "To who?"

"My agent, but it's still a tithe."

I'm like, "I'm kidding, Jim. I know we don't do the same thing."

"But think about this."

"I make them feel guilty Saturday night."

"You save their ass Sunday morning."

"I set them up, you spike the ball."

"You're welcome!"

"I helped."

But my uncle Jim's a great pastor.

He's very progressive. He gives really interesting sermons.

We didn't have a pastor like Uncle Jim growing up.

We had a basic-ass pastor who stuck to three topics.

He had three messages.

"You are forgiven."

"Marriage is hard."