Impastor

...next move.

We are very proud to have a gay pastor.

There is something off with this guy.

Are you free? Can I come over?

Hello, Buddy.

Aren't you gonna invite us in?

Well, I would, but the place is a mess.

But since we're all friends...

Oh, come on.

Hey, moving up in the world now, Buddy.

How'd you, uh... how'd you guys find me?

You called your girlfriend from a landline...

easy to trace.

Oh, I'm glad you did,

because I just came into 12,000 bucks,

and I want to pay you some of the money I owe.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

I'll get it to you as soon as the bank opens tomorrow.

In the meantime, you guys should spend the night.

I'll throw on a movie, have some popcorn.

- Butter? - See, Buddy.

You fool me once, shame on me.

See, you fool me twice, I you up.

I don't think that's how the saying goes.

Shut up!

- Let's do it. - Whoa, whoa.

"It"? W-what's "it"?

Wait! Wait, are you gonna kill me?

Nah, first we're gonna split your nut sack.

Then we're gonna kill you.

More fun.

Wait! No, wait!

- Yeah? - We found him.

Good. Now you call me back when he's dead.

When you're about to die,

you think about your biggest regrets in life.

Mine is not jumping off that goddamn bridge.

Buddy, it's Alexa.

I'm at your front door. Where are you?

It wasn't fair.

Things had finally started to go right for me,

and now the universe was taking it all away.

Can't you give me one more chance?

God!

Really? All I had to do was ask?

My life had been saved by a miracle,

and I tried to figure out why...

then gave up and got totally wasted on weed and tequila.

Good morning.

What's, uh... what's all this?

Uh, all-night prayer fest.

- A prayer fest? - Yeah, yeah.

I, uh... first, I pig out on some snacks,

then I pig out on the Bible.

One of my guilty pleasures.

Well, it certainly is a messy pleasure.

And you know what they say, cleanliness is next to...

Impossible.

That's not how it...

Oh, I love having a pastor with a sense of humor.

Lord, forgive me, but when Reverend Willis was here,

he was so unhappy.

You know, I used to call him "The Complainer."

You're really good with nicknames.

Thanks, Mr. Messy Pants.

Let's work on that one.

I kept thinking about LeeAnne and how much I missed her.

The question was, did she miss me too?

Here was the perfect chance to find out.

I was going to my own funeral.

- Well, speak of the devil. - Please, not around a minister.

Didn't I say he was charming?

Buddy, I would like you to meet Sean and Jeffrey,

two of the members of our church.

Russell's told us all about you.

We're very excited to have one of our own as the new pastor.

He's mentioned that... a few times.

- Nice to meet you both. - Oh, do you have to run?

We'd love to sit and chat

about how you're going to change things around here.

I'd love to do that, but I'm in a bit of a hurry.

You know, God stuff.

Well, is there any message you have for the gay community?

Dude-on-dude action...

it's the best.

That was... interesting.

Didn't I tell you he was different?

But so cute.

Whatever you're thinking, stop it.

- I called dibs. - I didn't hear you...

Dibs.

"My baby stroller accidentally bumped your car door.

"If you see any damage, please call me,

and I'll take care of it."

I don't get it, people in this town are honest,

even when no one's watching.

It's just weird.

Buddy?

Hey, Alexa.

- Is everything okay? - What do you mean?

What happened last night?

You told me to come over, and then you weren't there.

Oh, I didn't know you meant you were coming right over.

I thought you meant generally.

Like, "Sometime I'd like to come over."

Oh, good.

When you didn't answer the door,

I thought something happened to you.

No, no, I'm fine.

I just... I went out for a while.

But your car was still in the driveway.

I went for a walk.

But in the middle of a thunderstorm?

As Jesus said...

When you walk with God,

he becomes the umbrella.

- I'm paraphrasing, of course. - Oh, okay.

Well, I'm... I'm glad you're okay.

- Nice to see you. - Yeah.

- Bye. - Okay. See ya.

Oh, what a mess, huh?

I've never seen anything like it.

Ugh, what a day for Otis to call in sick.

And by sick, I assume you mean sleeping it off.

Now, now... judge not that ye be judged.

Yeah, I believe that's judge not, lest ye be judged.

Actually, it's judge not that ye be judged,

for with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged.

Do you really want to get into a Bible throwdown with me?

I didn't think so.

- Morning. - Hey.

- Michael. - Good morning, sir.

Is Pastor Barlow here?

Oh, no, he had to go to a funeral.

Why?

Did you hear about the two men who were killed

by the tree last night?

- Yes, terrible tragedy, huh? - Hmm.

Turns out, they were both felons.

Really?

We found guns, drugs, and stolen merchandise

in their vehicle.

Oh, my goodness, what would men like that

be doing in Ladner?

We found something else too...

a slip of paper with an address.

What address?

Pastor Barlow's.

LeeAnne?

Detectives?

What are you doing here?

You're not gonna hit on me again, are you?

We just came to pay our respects.

But in the car on the way over here,

you asked me to check your breath, because, uh...

We're so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

So what kind of spread are you having?

Like, I mean, is it gonna be shrimp?

Shrimp? This is a memorial service, okay?

Not the buffet at Caesars.

- So no cold cuts? - Tim.

Buddy and I go back ten years.

Some of you might have known him longer than me.

But I think I speak for everyone in this room

when I say that little prick owed me money.

I was taught if you don't got

nothing nice to say about somebody

don't say nothing at all.

So, yeah, I'm done.

Sure, Buddy was a dirt bag, but one time,

I seen him light his dick on fire

just to win a bar bet, so...

that's got to count for something.

I'd like to say that wasn't one of my prouder moments,

but it kind of was.

The Buddy I knew was funny and sexy

and crazy and stupid, and I loved him.

And I'll always love him.

But, you know, just because you love someone

doesn't mean they're right for you.

It took me four years to figure that out,

but I finally did.

And that's why I broke up with him.

I hope that's not why he did what he did,

but I have to believe that even he knew the truth.

The two of us could never be together.

Wherever you are...

I hope you find peace.

Good-bye, Buddy.

So long, babe.

Buddy?

- Hey. - Hey, buddy...

you know where the can is?

Excuse me?

The head, the crapper, the boom-boom room.

Oh, yeah, no, it's up the stairs there,

down the hall and make a left.

Thanks.

You know, you look really familiar to me.