Wrecked

Previously on "Wrecked"...

We're pirates, mother

I am the Barracuda, and this is my island now.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

We're taking your beach.

You can live down there.

That's, like, the worst part of the beach!

This is all my fault.

You have to get me off this island.

Oh, my God. There she is! Emma!

I'll help you!

I'm sorry!

Emma!

Coming to get me, right?!

Well, water's contaminated.

Whole river looks like this.

Something must be spoiling it upstream.

Huh. Well, I guess that explains all the dead birds.

We can still drink it though, right?

- Oh, of course. - Oh thank god.

In the same way that you can drink a soup, or a gravy.

But it'll still make you violently ill...

Karen, come on!

- What's wrong with you? - What?

I don't know what you guys are so worried about!

We've been drinking Earth's tears

since the dinosaurs cried 'em.

Hey, Chet, do not drink that...

We a water.

Babies. Let's get wet!

- No, no, no. No, Chet. No. - Hey, buddy.

- Oh, God. - Oh. He's taking it all.

That's a mistake.

- Oh, my. - He took it all.

- Whoa. - Ahh!

See?

You get vitamins and minerals from all places.

Oh, oh! It's in me!

Get it out! Oh!

Ooh, oh, get it out! Get it out!

Cut me open! Oh, I can't shit fast enough!

Get it out!

Get it out!

Chet? Maybe it'll help if I rub your belly...

you!

God, I wish there was something we could do.

Yeah. It's too bad your doctor friend's dead.

Okay, Emma's not dead, so...

Oh, she's dead.

Probably at the bottom of the ocean,

all bloated, crabs eating her hair.

Damn shame, too, 'cause she was useful.

Excuse me?

Oh, I didn't mean anything personal.

I just meant the wrong friend died.

How is that not personal?!

Because it's fact?

Welp, I'm gonna head up the river

and see what's making our water all crappy.

Man, I'm thirsty.

You guys been collecting your pee?

No.

Have you been collecting your pee?

No.

Mm.

Heads up. Pirates.

Hey, where's the cockpit?

Barracuda wants us to strip it for parts.

It's back that way. But it's... pretty gnarly.

There's a guy... smooshed to death underneath it.

- Whoa. - Yeah. Liam.

We tried to pull him out,

but all we could find was his arm, and a...

a butt cheek.

Dammmn. Y'all seen some messed up shit on this island, huh?

Hey, what's going on out there?

You know, like... in the real world?

I don't know where to start on this.

- I mean... - Well, of course, there's Syria.

Oh yeah... UN cease fire unrivaled,

so you can imagine what that means.

And the Paris Accords, they could fall apart at any moment.

- Don't even get me started on Ukraine. - Mm-hmm.

I mean, the political climate.

Totally! With Ukraine.

But you know what I just thought of just now?

What is happening on "Game of Thrones"?

- Oh. - Right.

- That's actually fun. - Right.

My favorite show. What's happening?

Hold on. Hold on.

What was the last thing you guys saw?

Jon Snow died.

Okay, I can't, not now.

- What? - Not now.

- You don't even know! - Ohhh shit!

- You don't even know! - Come on!

Oh, my God!

You guys missed a full season!

You missed a whole season! It's outta control!

- Where do I even start? - Twist, twist, twist.

- So many twists. - Yeah.

Yes!

You!

Oh! The Barracuda!

Sorry! I was just singing a little bit.

I'll stop it.

Your song. I've heard it before.

- Oh. Okay! - Sing it for me.

Oh I don't know. I'm not much of a singer.

Wow, you know it.

- Yeah. - It's a Kiwi classic.

You're not from New Zealand, are you?

No, um, my lover, he...

Oh! Um, I-I have to go.

Don't worry about it! Don't ask! It's pirate stuff!

Pirate stuff, yeah. I've gotta do Steve stuff, so...

Karen! I'm coming with you!

No, never asked you to come.

Oh, that's funny, 'cause I asked myself.

And you know what I said? I said, "Smart move, sugar tits."

'Cause when shit pops off upstream,

"you're gonna need someone like me."

You call yourself "sugar tits?"

Yep. I do.

Karen, I'm gonna help you. Whether you like it or not.

Let's go!

River's the other way.

It's called dynamic stretching.

Try to keep up, grandma.

Mm. The vegetation is getting

- thinner... - Thinner.

It's so funny you said that

'cause I said it at the exact same time.

We're on the same page. That's pretty cool.

I don't know what you're trying to prove out here,

but it makes me want to shove this spear down my throat

and pull it out my ass.

All I'm doing, Care Bear, is being hella useful.

- Oh. - Like check this out!

- Oh. - I just found us lunch!

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Oh. You... really think those boys are safe to eat?

Mhmmm.

You don't think you're gonna break out in hives

and shit your pants?

Nhmmm.

Why don't you swallow?

Mmm.

It's so good.

It was the best berries I've ever had.

- Oh? - Now I need to cough.

Oh, now you need to cough?

Well, that was more of a sneeze.

But, you know, you're right.

Goumi berries are delicious.

Sorry if I don't every frickin' weed and berry!

What, did you grow up on a farm?

Oh! Good God!

Boar guts.

Mother of god.

Do you know what this means?

We're in the kill zone of a black caiman.

A Black Gay Man?

Do you... Do you really think that's what I just said?

I don't know!

It's what it sounded like you said, so...

You... You think this is the kill zone of a Black Gay Man?

Well anything sounds stupid when you say it like that! God.

It's a Black Caiman.

It's the world's deadliest alligator.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Shoot. - Yeah, shoot.

Big stuff here, toots.

What are we gonna do about this black c-caiman?

Well, it's built its nest here.

So if we want fresh water...

I'm gonna have to...

Kill it.

I think you mean... we're gonna have to kill it.

Okay, wow. Wow!

Well, that spear's stuck, so we're down a spear.

My God, you witch!

Y'all ready to catch up

on "Game of Thrones", huh?

- Hell yeah! - Come on!

All right, season starts on a dead Jon Snow,

but somehow his hair looks ah-mazing...

Wait!

Don't spoil it.

What the hell are you doing?!

I don't want to just "hear" it.

I want to watch it myself!

Of course, my bad. I'm an idiot.

Let me just fire up HBO Go on my iPad

oh wait it's a coconut!

I mean when we get home!

Listen... my family abandoned me.

I have nothing waiting for me at home.