American Dad!

Steve, is that Irish Spring?

Smells great,

super foresty.

Thanks. I've been using it so long I don't even notice it anymore.

- Look at Steve Smith. - Is it supposed to be curved like that?

Get that thing straightened out!

What are they talking about? It's not curved. Is it, fellas?

All right, first, I'm not looking down. And second,

they're talking about your spine.

You've got scoliosis.

What? Why didn't you tell me earlier?

I tried.

I keep dropping hints.

I even started calling you Steve-iosis.

Not to my face.

No, behind your back.

Behind your creepy, deformed back.

There it is, pretty as a picture:

scoliosis.

What do we do, amputate?

Actually, all he needs is a back support.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Is it like one of those belts weightlifters wear

at the Olympics so they don't blow out their rectums?

Not exactly.

Pretty great, huh? I call her the "Chick Magnet",

ironically, of course. No, no girl wants any of that!

All right, we're all packed. You ready to go, Francine?

How can I spend a week at a spa

when I've just learned that my son has a horrible deformity?

Mom, I don't think it's a "horrible deformity".

So sweet, trying to make me feel better.

Mom, we have to go.

How often does Roger win free passes to a first-class spa?

- Once isn't enough? - No, I meant it as a good thing.

Well, that's not how it sounded.

You have a way about you, Hayley, that just...

turns me off.

- Mom, it's fine. Just go. - Well, okay.

I mean, it's not like it's my fault.

Your father was the one who threw footballs at my stomach

when I was pregnant so you'd be good at sports.

Instead it just made you a cripple.

- Bye! - Don't eat my yogurt!

Dad, there is no way I'm wearing...

And look, we can hang your allergy pills here,

your asthma inhaler there, and... Wait. How are you gonna go to the bathroom?

I know. I'll just insert a catheter.

Rise and shi...!

- Steve, what are you doing? - I wanted a glass of water.

I've been down here since midnight.

There we go. Now, let's get you ready for school.

No way. It's social suicide.

- I'm not going. - Steve, sit down.

Son, in life, it's not what's on the outside that matters.

It's what's on the inside. No one cares how you look.

- Come on, Dad. - I'm serious.

In fact, you should be proud of your deformities.

Look at little Helen Keller. Deaf, dumb, and blind,

and she wrote that whole diary in her attic during World War II.

She doesn't sound so dumb to me.

Different!

Freak.

Snot?

I'm finally part of the group!

Don't ruin this for me!

I am so looking forward to this week.

- Why is your bag so light? - Because you're not in it yet.

You want me to get in your suitcase?

That's how we're gonna sneak you by the front desk.

The radio station only gave me two passes.

Are you kidding me?

- Then why did you invite both of us? - Gee, I don't know.

You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time?

I'm an alcoholic. I have a problem.

I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. But I will.

I promise.

No more empty promises. No, sir. Not from this alcoholic.

Now, hop in the suitcase and first round's on me.

- Are these balloons full of heroin? - Those are not for you!

Hi. Mr. Mustachios.

And Mrs. Mustachios.

Just the two of us.

Right, our two radio contest winners.

- Who's the big Nickelback fan? - Guilty!

Well, you're lucky. We normally charge 1,800 bucks a head.

And what if I gave you $1,800 and five cents?

Why, I'd give you a nickel back!

- You knew where I was headed! - I did!

I told you we'd be fine.

Stupid mean kids with their...

beautiful straight spines.

Oh, Dad's home.

He can't be mad at me for leaving school early.

He'll understand when he sees what I've endured.

Dad, I know it's only what's on the inside that matters,

but I'm just not as strong as...

You're bald?

There's a kid on the football team with cancer

so the whole defensive line shaved our heads in solidarity.

It actually works out great during two-a-days, keeps your head cool.

- What? - That was just nonsense. I'm bald.

I can't believe it! How long have you been hiding this?

Well, it all started in high school.

It all started in high school.

I had horrific acne and was ridiculed mercilessly for it.

I tried everything to get rid of it, but nothing seemed to work.

When it came time for college, I saw an opportunity

to reinvent myself and give myself a second chance for a happy life.

So I decided to be the guinea pig for a new acne drug.

It worked perfectly.

My first day of college was the best day of my life.

My second day was the worst.

The acne medicine caused your hair to fall out!

How did you know?

You're telling a story about how you went bald.

It would been nice if you let me finish.

- Go ahead. - I will.

Apparently, a side effect of the acne treatment was total loss of...

You know what, forget it. The story's over.

Dad, I don't understand. Why do you wear a wig?

Because the hair gave me confidence.

And I was able to parlay that confidence into meeting your mother,

starting a family, and getting a job at the CIA.

- Wait, Mom doesn't even know? - Of course not. No one does.

Especially not your mother. She'd lose all interest in me.

She loves my hair. She tells me every time we're ba-ba-bangin'!

Ah, gross!

Dad, you said the only thing that matters is what's on the inside!

Grow up! The outside's the only thing that matters!

Nobody cares what's on the inside!

If they did, I would have married that smart fat girl

I used to have all those deep conversations with.

You're such a hypocrite.

Roger, these treatments look amazing, but I'm really nervous.

- What if they catch us? - They won't catch us.

Look, we have two wristbands, so two of us can be at the spa

while the third one stays up here trying on Hayley's clothes

- and laughing at himself in the mirror. - I guess we could take turns.

Of course. It'll be easy.

Now get over here and help me finish this. Don't Portuguese out on me.

I'm starting a new ethnic slur. Did it take?

Quiet! Quiet!

Turlington, spa detective.

I'm Mrs. Mustachios!

That's quite a lot of food for just the two of you.

Still warm.

So,

- you're married? - We sure are!

That's sweet. Kiss.

I'm told it's not uncommon for married persons to kiss.

Kiss.

It's okay. We'll leave our underwear on.

Honey, not in front of the detective.

All right. Everything checks out here...

for now.

That was so close! I think he's on to us!

Get in your suitcase and don't come out till you hear me say,

"I'm done. Go clean up. You disgust me."

Stupid... brace!

- Hey, buddy. - What do you want?

Look, I know you're a little miffed with your old man,

but I got something that's gonna make everything all right.

Stickers!

Look, what we got here: Dora the Explorer, a puffy unicorn, and,

- looks like you're a Chiquita bana! - Dad, stop!

I also got you a rearview mirror!

Trying to pass on the left! I know it's safe because I see that you see me!

Knock it off already!

"Warning: Driver Has PMS."

Dad, just leave me alone.

Steve, come on.

You know, I might have left school early yesterday,

but I did learn something:

where I got my weak backbone from.

Caution: Objects in mirror may be sadder than they appear.

Forget it, Dad. I'm not going to school.

That's fine. I just...

thought you might want to say good-bye to your old man before he goes to work.

You're going to work... bald?

I'd rather be bald than be a hypocrite in the eyes of my son.

Really? You'd do this for me?

We're gonna go out there and face the world as we are.

You know, I think people might just surprise us.

It was so awful! They called me everything:

Chrome Dome, Baldy, Cue Ball,

Leukemia Skywalker!

There, there. It's okay.

It was relentless!

Turns out a lot of high-level, neo-conservative Republicans

in the intelligence community can be very mean!

Someone drew three dots on your head?

Those are the finger holes in my bowling ball.