American Housewife

I'm 6:00 a.m., and I'm sitting on a cold bleacher,

watching Taylor's feet flail two inches above the water.

My back is sweating,

and the humidity in here just Def Leppard'd my hair.

Go, April! Excellent crane position!

Go, Taylor!

Way to hold your breath underwater!

Taylor: Who are you yelling at?

Uh... I thought you.

Well, my team just finished at the other end of the pool.

Well, then whose feet

have I been watching for the last half-hour?

Could be anyone.

Oh.

I was thinking,

synchronized swimming is not my...

You're quitting?

Well... I know you bought me this one-piece,

and we can't return it because we ripped out the sani-strip...

I'm so happy you're quitting!

You keep this up, you'll be my favorite.

So long, suckers.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, Ayo.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Otto.

- - How was your day?

I'm quitting drama club.

Taylor, you're not quitting.

You just quit synchronized swimming two weeks ago.

Why are you fighting this?

This is one less production of "Our Town"

- we have to sit through. - You said I had to take another activity,

but it turns out, drama combines my two biggest fears...

speaking in public and reading.

Yeah, that's acting. What did you think it would be like?

I don't know... Instagram?

Taylor, I don't want quitting to become a pattern.

Dad, you can't make me take drama.

Ayo, tell him.

Um... I'm your boyfriend.

My goal is to have your parents like me,

so I'm just gonna sit quietly over here.

Taylor, you have to learn to stick with things.

I let synchronized swimming slide,

but you're going from quitting to being a quitter.

- Remember, the Otto motto is... - "Ottos never quit."

- Exactly. - That motto is so stupid.

Taylor, don't say stupid.

Kind of the best word for it, though.

Hey, not quitting builds character. Take me for example.

I'm about to start teaching that class

at the Education Institute.

Attendance has dropped, but I'm not quitting.

- Sounds like you should. - Quit! Quit! Quit!

Come on, Ayo. Join in!

Quit! Quit! Quit!

Again, I'm just gonna smile and hold still.

- - Oliver, back me up.

Tell Dad that the drama club at school is lame.

- It's lame. - See?

But with Taylor's help, it could become awesome.

Jerk.

Present.

Where are you going?

New GQ... got to stay current.

I fear that I may have a genetic predisposition

to ugly shawl-collared sweaters,

so I'm doing everything in my power to fight it.

Don't you wish that he would quit

acting like such a turd?

Yeah, but the Otto motto is named after me,

so it puts me in a tough position.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey! Did you take my glue stick?

Yeah, one sec.

I'm just finishing up my vision board.

What's a vision board?

It's a collage of the way you want your life to be.

- Let me see. - No! It's none of your business.

When you took my glue stick, you made it my business.

Hey! Give that back!

Oliver, slow down. Anna-Kat, speed up!

Run, my favorite child! Run!

Whoa.

What is going on here?

Hot guys in suits.

Ashton Kutcher?

Abs, abs, abs.

And hold on... arm around Cooper Bradford?

Could Oliver be...

No. Could he?

Maybe.

No.

Maybe?

- Gay! - Mm, I don't know.

Come on! There's not a boob in sight.

If Oliver's straight, where are all the boobs, Katie?

- Where are all the boobs? - Valid question.

Not to mention, who's this pretty boy, and when's the honeymoon?

That's Cooper, his best friend.

And, remember, Oliver dated that girl Alice.

Hmm. He could be bi. Or pan.

Or polyamorous. Or polysexual.

Or he could be a run-of-the-mill cisgender male

who happened to create a vision board

with a lot of hot hunks on it.

It's hard for me to follow all these new gender terms,

but it doesn't affect me,

because I only go to the bathroom in my own home.

I don't think Oliver's gay. A mother knows these things.

I would've noticed something.

Well, maybe he's old-school...

gay but doesn't want to accept it,

so he pushes his feelings deep down inside

and behaves like a complete d-bag.

Oliver's definitely gay.

And that explains why he's such a complete d-bag.

Plus, the board.

I don't know. I look at this, I see Armani.

I see expensive watches, a Ferrari.

No, this is just shallow, materialistic Oliver.

What about Ashton Kutcher?

Well, he's a successful businessman.

He invested in Skype and Uber.

Oh. You're right.

This could be just about business.

Now who's gonna take me on my mother-son gay cruise?

Turns out everyone in the drama club

has to audition for the school play.

Great!

What scene are you gonna audition with?

I think I still have my "Fiddler" beard here somewhere.

No, I-I don't want to audition.

I don't want to embarrass myself. Why won't you let me drop out?

Because Ottos never quit.

You're ruining my life!

Channel that. That was super dramatic.

This is all your fault, you know?

We have discussed this. Nothing is ever my fault, Greg.

She's a quitter, 'cause you're a quitter.

That is not true.

Name one thing that I've quit.

Taylor's baby blanket.

She was a very small baby.

Oliver's memory book...

has three pages.

Okay.

And I think this is Anna-Kat's, but I'm not really sure

because you didn't finish spelling her name.

You interrupted me.

You asked me to come downstairs

and help you put together the Exersaucer.

That was for 15 minutes 7 years ago.

You quit everything the second it stops being easy and fun,

including these "How to Speak French" CDs we bought

- so we could go to Paris. - To be fair... to me... the reason

that we haven't gone to Paris is not because of the CDs.

It's because of, oops, Taylor,

then Oliver.

Oops, Anna-Kat.

So you're just quitting on our dream.

Don't put this on me.

You didn't listen to those French CDs either.

Bien sûr que je l'ai fait.

Oh.

You did.

Why?

Because I dreamed of you and I

sitting in a café in Paris, sipping wine,

and ordering in French, possibly wearing a beret.

I go back and forth.

Fine.

I'm sorry I let you down by not learning French.

I'll make it up to you.

We'll use French dressing instead of ranch.

How about you take a class at the Education Institute?

There's a French-immersion course right next to mine.

We'll be in Paris speaking French in no time.

If I take this class,

will you stop calling me a quitter?

If you can say "I'm not a quitter" in French,

I will stop calling you a quitter in English.

Look on the bright side.

It is the language of love.

Ugh. Not happening, kid.

Kind of excited for French class.

I'm proud of you, honey. I'm excited for my class, too.

Enrollment is down, but my enthusiasm is up.

Oh, get to use my brain for something other than

fishing people's hair out of the drain.

And you're following through and not quitting.

Maybe I'll become all worldly and French

and start smoking again.

Katie, stop looking for excuses to start smoking again.

Veuillez retirer votre guide d'étude.

I'm sorry.

I did not get one of these handouts.

En français, s'il vous plaît.

Was I supposed to print one out at home?

Because my husband has not set up the printer, so...

En français.