M*A*S*H

‐Not another one. ‐I'm afraid so, sir.

Ohh!

Lieutenant, your face is greener than your fatigues.

Why don't you park it for a bit?

Oh, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Come on, Rizzo. I'll steer. You just move your feet.

Oh, Colonel, you know how you feel

after you've been out all weekend

drinking cheap booze and eating chili dogs?

‐Yeah. ‐I wish I felt that good.

You just hang on to the bunk. I'll get something

that'll put you and your stomach back on speaking terms.

I can take the truth, sir. What is it?

Rabies? Was I bit by a rat?

No, it isn't rabies. We just got the lab report.

Looks like salmonella.

Sam and Ella? Who are they?

Rizzo, you're sicker than I thought.

Get some rest.

Colonel, what's happened here?

Morning, Padre.

You said we were in for a quiet Thanksgiving,

or I never would've gone to the orphanage.

Put him over there.

These are our own people, not casualties, Father.

Let me have your attention for a minute.

Is there anyone here who did not have some of the turkey last night?

Well, folks,

looks like we were bitten by the bird that fed us.

I'm afraid we're in for a siege.

You mean Klinger poisoned us

with his Thanksgiving surprise?

‐Looks that way. ‐Now I hope I live

just so I can kill Klinger.

This is the first time I can recall

giving thanks for missing Thanksgiving.

‐Aren't the others back yet? ‐No. I'm alone.

I feel like Snow White with a house full of sick dwarfs.

Perhaps I could be of help.

You bet your bottom collar you can.

‐Pick a patient, any patient. ‐Good.

Colonel, Colonel! Good news‐‐

‐Assassin! ‐What'd I do?

You poisoned us with your turkey, buzzard beak!

What's that supposed to mean, sir?

It turned out your turkeys gave everybody the trots.

My turkeys were first‐class birds. Genuine army issue.

Sure. War surplus.

They came straight from Sergeant Thomopoulous at I‐Corps Quartermaster.

And if anybody knows turkeys, it's Thomopoulous.

This was one of my biggest deals.

You had to go to Thomopoulous, didn't you?

I could've got us good turkeys from a crook you could trust.

Colonel, it couldn't have been

the turkey that caused all this.

Really? Why?

We ate it, too. Need I say more?

‐Did you reach the doctors? ‐Yes and no.

I missed Majors Houlihan and Winchester at the 8063rd.

‐They should be here in an hour or so. ‐That'll help.

But I contacted Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt

at the Kansong Battalion Aid.

Can they get their hands on the antibiotics we need?

Yeah, but it'll be three or four hours till they get here.

Well, have to do. Oh, uh, by the way, Klinger,

for Christmas we eat out.

Will you slow down to the speed of sound?

I can't hear myself scream.

Klinger said we had to hurry.

It's only 74 miles as the jeep flies.

Might be more than that. We're lost.

Lost? As in "Where the hell are we?"

We're not totally lost. We're still in Asia.

You said this was a shortcut.

It is a shortcut! Look how fast we got lost.

You nerd! Go back!

Back where?

Back where we weren't lost!

‐Watch out! ‐Hang on!

‐Are you okay? ‐Yeah. You?

I think so, yeah. But remind me to

hang a sign on your next car:

"Caution: Student Maniac."

Don't complain. I missed that wreck, didn't I?

Yeah, but I think you need a little practice on parallel parking.

Don't be silly. Give me a hand here,

and we'll get this thing back on its feet.

Are you sure you know what you're doing here?

No problem. I saw some M. P. s do it once.

We just have to get it rocking.

Push and rock back. Push and rock back.

Push and rock back. Push! Push!

‐Oh, my God! ‐(screams)

Well, what are you waiting for? Get in.

‐Very well. ‐(men groaning)

There you are.

Feeling better, Rizzo?

‐Hey, Father. ‐Mm‐hm?

Can I make a confession?

Certainly, Sergeant.

I murdered somebody... tomorrow.

Come on. I'm tryin' to help.

You want to help? Die on your own.

Klinger, how are the belladonna and the paregoric holding up?

Getting pretty low, sir.

Colonel, you better go lie down.

You're getting kind of blurry.

‐Corpsman! ‐Yes, sir?

Oh, right here, sir.

Here's a little poetic justice for you, Father.

Just put him in this bunk for a while.

Cover him up. Check his temp and pulse.

‐Can you do that? ‐Just watch my smoke, Colonel.

Serves you right, you bum.

Hey, everybody, Klinger's got it.

Well, Padre, looks like it's down to just you and‐‐

Well, Kemo Sabe, now what?

Just keep your eyes and ears peeled,

move along fast, and keep low.

Good idea.

This is the most ridiculous war I've ever seen.

‐(screams) ‐(gasps)

‐(speaking Korean) ‐Don't shoot!

What's goin' on here, Beej?

What are you askin' me for?

I think he's surrendering. Let's put our hands down.

Okay. You go first.

Thanks. How about if we just put one down?

Show some guts. Put 'em both down.

And if he doesn't shoot you, I'll put mine down.

If he does shoot you, I'll put yours up again.

Let's put 'em down together, okay?

‐Okay. ‐Okay.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Great moment in military history, Hawk. We've all captured each other.

The question is, what do we do with him?

I'm sorry. We're not in the capturing department.

That's on the third floor next to linens.

‐(speaking Korean) ‐Let's get out of here.

You just wait right here,

and I'm sure there's gonna be a commando come along

any minute now who'd love to take you home with him.

‐Okay. Bye now. ‐Bye. See ya.

‐(screams) ‐No! Don't! Don't do that!

‐Very nice. Okay. ‐Well, we'll see you later.

We've gotta just move down the road.

‐(shouts) ‐Watch it! Watch it!

‐Ah, okay. ‐Well, we'll see you around, okay?

We're just gonna‐‐

Hello, Colonel.

Majors, thank goodness you're back.

Pleasure to see someone who isn't squatting,

doubled up or lying down.

Colonel, what's wrong? You look awful.

I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to feel this rotten

and have it be my little secret.

‐What's wrong, sir? ‐Salmonella!

The whole camp's down with it.

Klinger got a Thanksgiving deal

on some low‐mileage... turkeys.

Colonel, with all due respect,

any fool would know better

than to actually eat gypsy poultry.

If there's one thing we don't need around here, Winchester,

it's hindsight. Now let's get to post‐op.

Pierce and Hunnicutt aren't back yet,

so Mulcahy's been doing a solo.

He'll be glad to hand over the reins.

You look like you can use some rest, sir.

I'll be all right, Margaret.

Colonel, I insist.

You won't do any good if you make yourself weaker.

Major Houlihan, don't get your Irish up with me.

‐We can handle it. ‐And we shall, Colonel,

just as soon as we've taken a little time to freshen up a bit.

Uh, fine. You do that, Winchester,

and I'll have room service send you over a nice...

turkey sandwich.

So, uh, you wanna move it now or move it later?

Oh, moving now, sir. Yeah.

I'd love to give you a hand, Father.

Is it safe for me to come in there yet?

I'd say that's one vote no, Klinger.

If you need me, Father,

I'll be under my bed.

Ah, the Marines have landed!

Father, you look like you're pretty busy.

Oh, indeed.

But, Majors, I don't mind saying

this is an exhilarating experience.

I've never felt more useful or needed.

Excuse me.

Apparently the good father's been most effective, Margaret.

What these, uh, people appear to need now is rest and attention.

In other words, nursing.

I'll just pop out for a quick shower and a short nap.

Let me know if a doctor's needed.

Step one foot outside that door, buster,

and you'll need a doctor!