My Girl

I was born jaundiced.

Once, I sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop and caught haemorrhoids.

I've learned to live with a chicken bone lodged in my throat for three years.

So, I knew Dad would be devastated when he learned of my latest affliction.

Dad? I don't want to upset you, but my left breast is developing...

...at a significantly faster rate than my right.

It could only mean one thing: Cancer. I'm dying.

Okay. Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.

Madison, Pennsylvania - 1972

All right, who's in? Raise your hand.

-Are you coming or not, Thomas J.? -I don't think so.

I knew he wouldn't come.

I can't. I have to go home.

Yeah, to play with his dolls.

Leave him alone. Come on, let's go.

You didn't pay me.

How do I know you're gonna show us one?

You're such a baby.

All right. Here.

Okay. Follow me and don't say a word.

You ready?

You sure you want to see it? Or is someone gonna go yellow-belly?

I'm not chicken!

Okay. Lean forward.

It's empty.

-You're so weird. -I want my money back.

I was afraid of this.

Of what?

Sometimes when we get them, they're not completely dead.

Like when they cut a chicken's head off, and they run around crazy.

You're full of shit.

I bet she's roaming around this house somewhere.

There she is, in the rocking chair.

-Let me out of here. -Come on.

Hi, Gramoo.

Vada, would you bring down my cigarettes?

See you later.

Did I tell you he was my wood shop teacher?

You took wood shop?

-Yeah, I made a tie rack. -I made a tie rack.

-Are those mixed? -Yep.

Vada, just put them on the stool.

Daddy, guess what? I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly yesterday.

Yeah, that rack holds six ties.

-And I still have mine. -Arthur!

Vada.

-I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly yesterday. -Good for you, baby.

Once you put hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, you're a shoo-in to win.

I like to buy up all the railroads.

Vada, we're trying to work here.

Cruella De Vil stole all the puppies. She was going to make a fur out of them.

Hand me the cannula.

Dad?

I'm embalming my high school teacher.

Don't sing.

All right, Arthur. Now, just slide him to me a little bit.

That's it. That's good.

We'll put him in a nice Model C501, bronze stainless Eternal Journey.

And he'll look like a champion.

Is Mr. Harry Sultenfuss in?

Sure. Come on in.

Have you had the unfortunate experience of losing a loved one?

Could I see your dad just for a second?

Dad, somebody's here!

He's downstairs working on Mr. Layton. Prostate cancer.

Once it hits your prostate, you're a goner.

-How may I help you? -I'm Shelly DeVoto.

We spoke the other day about the make-up artist's job?

-Yes. -It's still available, I hope.

I think it's still available.

I'm a licensed cosmetologist.

I worked for two years at the Dino Raphael Salon.

All my customers cried when I told them I was leaving.

-Miss DeVoto-- -I have a wonderful disposition.

I put people right at ease.

These people are already at ease.

This is not a beauty parlour. It's a funeral parlour.

-They're dead? -Yes, they are.

Stiffs?

Deceased.

The ad just said "make-up artist."

Excuse me a second, will you?

Sure.

-Hi, George. -Hello, Harry.

Yeah, this is a 1258. I didn't want the burnished handles.

-Is that your camper? -Yes, it is.

That's really cool.

Hello.

She's shy.

Oh.

-Just put it back in the display room. -Okay, Harry.

Daddy, how come that coffin's so small?

They come in all sizes, honey. Just like shoes.

Is it for a child?

Of course not.

-Then, who's it for? -Short people. Very short people.

Excuse me. What about the job?

Pardon?

I need the job.

You still want it? Even though...

Sure. It's no big deal.

You see, all my former clients will eventually die.

And all your clients used to be alive...

...so they have something in common.

You'd be doing hair and make-up and answering the phone.

Okay, Mr. Sultenfuss.

-You've got a deal. -Great.

-You can start right away. -Okay.

Call me Harry.

Is this what you'd normally wear for work?

Don't get me wrong. I like it very much, but the--

I promise I'll take care of these people.

They deserve it. They're dead.

All they've got left is their looks.

Look at this. No feet.

Wow. A real Evel Knievel.

What the hell are you doing in my garage? Get out of here!

Hi, Vada. What's wrong today?

I'm very sick.

Okay, take a seat. I'll check if the doctor can see you.

Vada's here.

She says she's very sick. Yeah.

She looks all right to me.

Yeah.

Okay. He'll see you.

Why don't you go in?

Well, what is it? I can handle it.

You are perfectly healthy.

That can't be. I have all the classic symptoms.

Did they bring Mr. Layton to your house today?

Yes.

Vada, you've got to stop this. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I'll just have to get a second opinion.

So, what did he say is wrong with you?

The whole medical profession is a crock.

Wait up for me.

Look.

At what?

That's Mr. Bixler. Let's go talk to him.

I don't want to talk to no teacher. It's summer.

Hi, Mr. Bixler.

Mademoiselle Sultenfuss and "The Amazing Dr. J."

-How's the summer treating you? -It's okay.

Mr. Bixler? I finished all the books for summer reading.

Really? Already? The summer's just begun.

Yes. And now I'm reading War and Peace for fun.

No wonder you're my prize pupil.

What about you, Thomas J.?

I haven't started yet.

You better get on his case.

How come you're painting this old house?

I just bought it. Now, I'm fixing it up.

This is one big house for one single person.

Well...

...you never can tell.

I might get a pet.

How are you going to pay for this house if you're not working?

Well, I'm gonna teach creative writing this summer, so...

...I'm doing some work.

-How much does it cost? -$35.

What do you get for that?

Me, two hours a week, talking about poetry.

This an interrogation, Vada?

No. I guess I'll go home and finish off War and Peace.

It's summer. You're kids. Go play.

Want to go to Gray's Orchard and pick some peaches?

No, I'm going home.

Why? It's not dinnertime yet.

Dinnertime? You're like a dog. You just go home to eat.

Don't pee on the hydrant!

Trooper called. Big accident on PA 34.

They're bringing in two tomorrow.

Excuse me. I finished Mr. Layton's hair. He kind of looked--

What's wrong with her?

She's just pretending. Vada? Get up here and eat your broccoli.

I think it's my prostate.

Up top. He said something like the Sky Lounge.

How many removals...

-Who's winning? -I am.

Look! Vada and her little boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend.

I bet she kisses him on the lips.

You think I'd kiss that ugly old thing?

Yeah, anyway.

Come on. Let's go.

Judy's father owns the Bijou Theatre...

...and we get to see all the movies we want for free.

Maybe you can come sometime.

Don't invite her. She'll have to bring her boyfriend.

"Vada and Thomas sitting in a tree

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G

"First comes love

"Then comes marriage

"Then comes Thomas J. with a baby carriage"

Vada, you shouldn't let those girls upset you.

I'm not upset. I would never play with those girls.

I only surround myself with people who I find intellectually stimulating.

Want a piece of chocolate?

-Thomas J.? -I'm allergic to it.

-To chocolate? -He's allergic to everything.