Baby Daddy

- (Video games noises) - All right, you think you got moves?

- Well, you're not gonna see this coming. - (Explosion)

- Oh! Yeah! - Oh, come on!

Sorry, kinda saw that coming.

Speaking of things blowing up in your face that everyone saw coming,

- I heard you messed it up with Riley again. - I didn't mess up...

Unless she said I messed up...

In which case, that's messed up!

She just said you guys were figuring things out,

which I assumed was code for "Ben screwed it up again."

I think there were other factors involved,

and by "other factors," I mean people.

Okay, but I'm guessing the other people's name

- is Ben. - (Explosion)

- Aw, come on! - (Laughs) Yeah.

- I win again. - Yeah, whatever. You always win.

- Ben, zero. Danny, a gajillion. - (Scoffs)

Dude, calm down. It's just a game.

- It's not just a game! - It was.

Now it's just weird.

Rematch?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Well, boys, I thought I had scraped the bottom of the loser barrel,

but tonight's date proved that the barrel has a false bottom,

and it's name was Doug.

I mean, it's one thing to live in your car,

but with a roommate? I mean, come on!

And of course, he spent the whole night looking at these

and not this, and after I spent an hour

telling him about my exciting real estate career,

he asked me how long I'd been a lawyer!

I tell you, men never listen!

Hey, mom. How was your date?

Ben: So what? You won a game of basketball.

Why don't you try something more challenging, like baby making?

Beaten you at that, haven't I?

I'm not sure

forgetting to put on a condom

and getting a girl pregnant is

the big win you think it is.

That's real nice, Uncle Danny.

Real nice.

Hey, mom, we're just dropping Emma...

- (Hisses) - Mmm.

Mom, what happened to you?

I've completely given up.

I'm swearing off men. Isn't it great?

No makeup, hairdos, or bathing.

I'm basically living the life of a dude.

No wonder you guys have so much free time to be idiots.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go drink beer in my bathtub,

because I can. (Giggles)

Hey, dude, I think mom's broken.

You know, I've seen this before.

You know what mom's problem is?

Oh my God, there's something more than this?

She needs to meet a decent guy,

and I know a ton of guys.

At least one's gotta be decent.

No offense, bro, but I think mom's looking for a relationship

that doesn't end in "we're figuring things out."

Oh. You think you could do better?

In a word, yeah, why not?

Okay, then you're on.

Whoever sets up mom and pulls her out of this slump, wins.

Bonnie: Hey, do either of you want my razors?

I'm not gonna need 'em anymore!

I'm not wrong, am I? I mean, it's totally not fair.

Ben didn't even give me a say in this breakup,

time out, holding pattern or whatever it's called.

And you want to know what the worst part is?

That I'm about to be stuck in a small space with you?

Sondra: Hold the elevator!

- (Clicking rapidly) - Oh dear God, please close.

- Tucker. - Sondra.

Oh, hey, Riley. Back from yoga?

- Yeah, we went to... - I love yoga.

It really takes my mind off things.

Oh my God, do I have a lot of things on my mind. A lot.

- Oh my God, tell me about it. - Okay, she's not really asking.

It's just a figure of speech.

Well, I'm sure it's about a guy.

- You know, it's always about a guy. - (Elevator stops)

It is about a guy! My husband!

Oh, does he want a break? Or a time out?

Or did he tell you that you feel something about someone that you don't?

Because he will. They all do. They're all crazy.

You're all crazy.

He's just been so aloof lately,

always staying late at work, never has time for my calls.

Oh, girl, that's easy... he cheating.

What? You really think so?

It doesn't matter what he's doing!

All that matters is what you're doing.

You need to take charge of this situation

so you don't have any regrets.

- Go find your voice. - (Elevator dings)

My voice? Oh my God, thank you so much, Riley.

That was really good advice. What people say about lawyers isn't true,

because you're clearly very smart, you're an attorney,

and you totally know what you're talking about.

Riley, what did I tell you about the elevator?

Don't talk to anybody. I'm sorry.

"Congratulations, Ben." "Oh, thank you, Danny."

That's a little glimpse into the future,

because I just beat you.

You see that guy right there?

That's Richard, and he's perfect for mom.

I think she ought to get in line behind that guy.

This isn't over. Oh crap, it's my boss!

God, I hate him. He's so phony.

Mr. Henderson! What's up, man?

Good to see you. How are ya?

Doing great,

especially now that I'm finally done with my messy divorce.

And for the record, when people say "messy,"

they mean, "she got everything."

So, you just got divorced.

Bummer. Any chance you're in the market for some female companionship?

Ooh. I don't allow hookers in my bar.

But if you'd like to step outside,

- maybe we can discuss this. - 'I'm trying to set you up with my mom.

Ah. Well, I'm flatered that you would trust me

with your mother's affections,

especially after I just showed interest in a hooker.

Wheeler, looks like I might get set up with your mom.

If all goes well, you could mix drinks for me here and at home.

What did you do?

Just set the multi-gajillionaire up with mom.

Once again, I win.

Danny, you can't just pick some random good-looking guy

with lots of money to go out with mom to win the bet!

You have to be selective,

careful, vet each prospective match thoroughly.

Can I get a gin and tonic?

How about a 40-something blonde?

It's today's special.

And here's another thing... fortune cookies.

Fortune cookies are so stupid.

Where are the realistic ones? Like...

- "You'll finally date the guy of your dreams..." - (Sighs)

"...and then he'll dump you for no reason whatsoever."

"In bed." (Laughs)

- (Knocks on door) - No, see? It doesn't always work. No.

You were right! He's a cheater! A cheater!

I took your advice and look what I found! A locket! A locket!

A locket? I don't know which one's worse:

The fact that he's cheating on you,

or that it's with a 90-year-old.

Look, it has a picture of him on one side

and another woman on the other.

Oh damn. I'd get her a locket.

You know what? Nicely done.

You listened to my advice, and you took charge of your destiny.

- But now what do I do? - Well, since you've taken back control,

and you have your proof,

you have some tough decisions to make about your marriage

and as a highly-regarded legal professional,

I'm here to tell... oh my God!

Oh my God, I'm supposed to be at a deposition!

Okay, you know what? I'm sure you're gonna work it out.

- Have fun! - Wait! Where are you going?

- You can't leave me here with this crazy... - (Door shuts)

Amount of food.

How can he do this to me?

Do... do you wanna look in the locket again, or...?

I know I'm not the easiest woman to live with.

Or next to.

Look...

Sondra, I am really sorry

that this is happening to you,

and I know we are not the best of friends

or... even friends at all for that matter.

You know, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

Thank you, Tucker.

You're very sweet.

I can be. (Chuckles)

- Hey. - Oh wow, mom, you look great.

Try not to act so surprised.

I was on the couch for two days,

not in the woods for two years.

All right, now where is this client you said couldn't wait to meet me?

Oh, they decided they could wait,

but hey, let's grab lunch anyway, okay?

- Okay. - Okay, there she is.

Wow! You're right. Those legs really don't quit,

though I would like to find out where they take a break.

Let's take it down a notch, sparky, okay? That's my mom.

In fact, come wait out here while I go warm her up.

Add that to the list of things you should never have to say about your mother.

Hey, Mr. Henderson, over here!

- Have you met my mother, Bonnie? - No,

but I'd rather meet this attractive young woman instead.

Wow. I wish the nachos here came with that much cheese.

Jack Henderson, I have two hotels.

Bonnie Wheeler, and I have two of a lot of things.

And a clueless son.

- (Whispers) Danny, get lost. - Oh yeah, I'll get you guys some drinks.

Sorry, little bro.