Mike & Molly

Look at us.

Having dinner at the table.

Facing each other instead of just shoveling down takeout.

In front of the tv.

It's nice, huh?

Based on your tone, I'm assuming you want me to say yes.

I'm kidding. It's great.

There's no distractions.

Just me and my lady enjoying a civilized dinner.

And conversing about our day.

Kind of romantic.

Very romantic.

Is this gonna be an every night kind of deal.

Or is it just an odd experiment to see if we can actually do it?

You know, Mike, it's important for us.

To stay connected with each other.

Sex is not the only way to express intimacy.

I agree.

It's certainly the best way.

Mostly because we always know when we're done.

Well, I always know when I'm done.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's forget about the dishes.

And let's go out and do something fun.

Right now?

Yeah, right now. Me and you.

Let's just get in the car and see where the night takes us.

I was kinda hopin' the night was gonna take us.

To your nice comfy couch.

Come on. We live in.

One the greatest cities in the world.

Let's go explore it.

Or we could snuggle up on the couch.

And eat low-fat bugles off of each other's fingertips.

Sexy!

Don't be such a load.

What do you want from me?

I already put on my loosey-goosey sweatpants.

I know. I've been looking at those sweatpants.

For almost two weeks now.

Hey, maybe we can toss 'em in the washer.

While we go out.

You can't wash 'em.

You'll shrink the "loosey" out of 'em,

And then they're just "goosey."

Come on, get changed and let's go do something.

God, I'm not really up for going out.

I had a pretty tough day at work.

What happened?

Shootout? Bank robbery?

Carl step in gum again?

You joke, but an officer of the law stepping in.

A wad of Hubba Bubba can be the split second.

A criminal needs to make his getaway.

Whoa, what are you two doing standing up after 6:00?

Is the couch on fire?

Joyce: Guess where we're going.

Vince is taking me.

To see Peaches and Herb at the Schaumburg Hyatt.

It's the original Herb, but it's Peaches number six.

I don't know where.

Those Peaches are disappearing to,

But somebody might want to take a shovel to Herb's backyard.

He made the same joke.

About Gladys Knight killing the Pips.

Good night.

You guys have fun.

And when you get home, don't put the chain on the door,

'cause Mike and I might be out pretty late. (Chuckles)

Molly, look. A squirrel on water skis.

Narrator: The resilient villagers return once more.

To till their arid soil.

Oh! What tragic lives some people lead.

Oh, my god, that's horrible.

When will we learn?

You fell asleep.

No, I didn't.

So, you saw the whole thing about the migrating geese?

Yes, and I found it heartbreaking.

There were no geese!

So, you tricked me?

Congratulations. You outwitted a sleeping man.

Mike, I can't sit.

On that couch anymore, watching tv.

Let's go do something fun this weekend.

Me and you.

I'm in.

Really?

Whatever you want to do.

Great. How about we drive downstate.

To a nice little B and B?

Bed and breakfast? Are you out of your mind?

You said whatever I want to do.

Within reason. I don't want to share a toilet.

With a house full of strangers.

It means the seat's always warm.

Plus, there's usually some mangy cat with a bent tail.

Rubbing its anus on your leg.

Okay, forget the bed and breakfast.

How about...

We drive up to Wisconsin, hmm?

Rent a cabin by the lake?

You know, big fireplace, snuggling under a blanket,

Sipping hot chocolate.

Ah.

What is the problem this time, princess, huh?

The fireplace? Wisconsin?

I know it's not the chocolate!

Oh, you felt the need to go there, huh?

Real mature.

What's wrong with you this morning?

Nothing, why?

You're playing with your food,

And you don't ever play with your food.

Sometimes he does lay his sausages in a neat little row.

Yeah, but that's more like lining up logs.

Before you jam them in a wood chipper.

I think Molly's getting restless.

What do you mean, "restless"?

I don't know. From what I can gather,

I'm not taking her outside enough.

Well, I told you, when you got a girlfriend,

You'd have to walk her at least three times a day.

Otherwise, they go crazy and start chewing up the furniture.

And draggin' their little butts across the carpet.

That's why you got to get two of them.

That way, they could play with each other

I don't get it.

Everything you'd want is inside:

Food, shelter, sex.

What else do you need?

I'd settle for two of the three.

Give me a strange hand on my crotch and a bag of skittles.

And I would live in a pothole.

I don't think Molly understands how hard I work.

I put my life on the line every day.

I need some down time.

Yep, that's what I tell grandma.

When I get home from work, I need to decompress.

Some "me time." that's right.

Don't be yelling at me to shovel the drive.

Or pull a dead rat out of the rain gutter.

I mean, why didn't she grab that thing when she was up there.

Taking down the christmas lights?

Exactly. We spend all day, every day, fighting crime.

To keep the streets safe for them.

We're like Batman. And when Batman comes home,

You don't ask him to clean the garage or unclog the toilet.

Because his bat grandma can't process dairy.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, carl.

I gave Molly my a-game when we first started dating,

But I can't keep up that level of charm. I'm only one man.

Well, I could argue otherwise, but...

Maybe all you need to do is shake it up a little.

Show her that you're making an effort.

Aw, does this mean I'm gonna have to go out?

Not at all. All right, I'm listening.

Instead of letting her make you dinner.

And serve it to you on the couch, you show up with dinner.

And serve it to her on the couch.

You're still eating your dinner on the couch, but in her mind,

You have wined and dined her.

That's all it takes?

That's it. Just do a couple of little things.

She doesn't expect you to do, and then she'll forget all about.

The big nasty things you don't want to do.

That makes sense.

I'm telling you, I may have combed out a few old lady wigs.

In my day, but I ain't never plucked.

A dead rat out of a rain gutter.

Narrator: The diet of the north american brown bear consists.

Mostly of salmon, berries, legumes and pine nuts.

Yogi doesn't eat that.

Yogi eats pic-a-nic baskets.

Six pounds. I've gained almost six pounds.

Since Mike and I started dating.

It's probably just your hibernation weight.

You'll lose that as soon as the spring thaw rolls around.

We've just turned into this old married couple.

I mean, he never wants to go out anymore.

I can't even get him off the sofa.

Well, you've already mated with him,

So he has no reason to stand on his hind legs.

Or fling a half-eaten salmon at your feet.

Turn off the bear show.

Sorry.

All I'm saying is once a guy knows you're a sure thing,

There's no reason for him to try anymore.

You know what? Mm-hmm?

I'm not just gonna sit around and wait for him to take me out.

If I want to go do something fun,

I am gonna do something fun.

Right on, sister!

I am gonna tear it up! Whoo!

You want to come with me? I don't want to go by myself.

Oh, good lord!

I just saw my girlfriend's mom naked.

What are you doing looking in the window?

I'm sorry. I didn't think anybody would be.

Having sex on the stairs.