Happy Endings

Yo, Brad. Guess what came in the mail today?

Penalty of Death 2 - Excuse me while you die.

Pre-order, yeahh.. No,no,no,no..

Will not say that.

Oh, hey, man, there's this new guy, franklin,

Who just started working with me.

think you guys would be perfect for each other. Look at brad being my pimp.

Yeah.

Yeah, give him my number. Brew crew, right here.

Uh, dude, you're dripping stuff on my stuff.

house rule-- if you don't unpack,

It becomes my furniture. You're gonna just spill pico de gallo all over jordan?

That's disrespect, man.

Respect would be hanging that up. It's time to unpack, bro.

You've been living here for, like, three months.

Dude, that's my t-shirt that you're using as a napkin.

Are you sure? Yeah.

It's not a napkin? I thought our napkins had v-necks.

No. Why do I live here?

You don't seem to understand, jane. I am terrified.

Penny, you don't need to do this.

Guys, I have an announcement.

I've--I've come to say good-bye.

I've been making some major life choices,

And I've decided to leave chicago. Bye!

What's going on? She's being ridiculous. There was a break-in

In her neighborhood, and now she's talking about

Moving back in with her parents. Just temporarily,

until there's no more crime in america.

Or you could do what I did in college. Hook up with a ton of girls and call it a phase?

wh? It was a phase.

Long phase. What I'm talking about is taking a self-defense class.

it's incredibly empowering.

Pfft. And you know what? You could really benefit

From learning how to standtap for yourself. She's right, pen.

No offense, but you do tend to shy away from confrontation.

Oh, penny, what did they do to your car?

Could I get $2 back? Sure.

In my defense, I do tend to shy away from confrontation.

Oh. Mm.

Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.

So brad thinks it's harmless fun to sit around

And play a video game where he rips a wizard limb from limb,

But I'm the freak for watching "s.V.U."? Totally. I hate that stuff.

Gi-gah! And you have been disarmed.

What was that? I took your advice, and I've been taking krav maga.

It's this hard-core israeli martial art.

It is the best. I have never felt more confident, more safe.

And I've really developed...

a killer instinct.

that's great, sweetie.

maybe I'll tag along sometime. you should!

But be warned, in just four sessions,

Mild-mannered chicagoan penny hartz

Has turned into

Israeli angel of vengeance shira abramowitz.

A-bam! Take that to the west bank, sucka!

Boom! Hud)

So is shira paying? Is that... No, no, no.

Okay, now capture that baby and rip its fingers off. Oh, ho! It's spewing rubies.

I know, right? ow! Stop!

Max! The shower burned me again.

Dave, it's a shower, bud. It's not that hard.

Let the water run for six seconds. Jump in.

You got at least 30 seconds of decent temperate water,

And then quarter-turn yourself to avoid the initial rust blast,

Go back in for another 30 seconds.

It's like he's never showered before (whi.

hello?

hi, dave. How's it going?

Hello, high voice.

Either you're wearing really tight jeans or you have a mouse. Both. And believe me,

It was not easy getting up on this chair. Can you come

over? You know, I assumed I wasn't on mouse patrol anymore

Since that whole thing where we broke up, and I moved

out. Please? I think he's settling in for the long haul.

I saw him drag a meatball underneath the couch. Dave, can you get us our headsets?

Thatakistani kid biju's online again,

And he's talking a lot of trash. Okay, I'll be right over.

Oh, so how'd your date go with franklin? Eh.

I get in the supply closet

And finally find the pens,

And so it's, like, everyone has one now and... Good, good. Did you drive here?

Yeah. Do you wanna go for a drive? No, I

was gonna tell you to order a few more drinks

Then ride your car off a cliff.

I thought you guys would've had a good time, you know,

I mean, you're both-- we're both what?

Super cool dudes.

Pause. You were gonna say "gay."

Mnh-mnh. It all makes sense now. You, my friend, are a gay-cist.

What? You think all gays are the same.

You think just because franklin and I are both friends of elton,

We're just gonna pack it up, move to vermont,

And start selling antiques? No, I did not say that.

unpause. Relax. It's fine. I'm just messing with you.

besides, some parts of thetereotype are true.

I mean, just 'cause we didn't get along doesn't mean

We didn't have raging sex in a bus terminal. Really?

pause. No! Playdate suspended on account of your gay-cism.

We're not even gonna make prank calls today.

Aw, man! Okay, one.

Just follow my lead, jane.

The key--I'll tell you right now, this one's for free--

Is stretching out your lats.

It gives you a little extra torque on your kill kicks.

You know what I heard gives you extra torque as well,

Is knowing where your lats are. Okay, I know where my lats are.

Uh-huh. They're right...

Here. all right, everyone, pay attention.

My name is yoni,

Which in hebrew, is short for "god's gift."

Unfortunately, in sanskrit, it means "female genitals."

Let's pair off and start with some light disarming.

Everyone grab a rubber knife.

Okay, baby girl. I'm just gonna take it nice and easy, okay?

I'm just gonna come at you kinda half-speed.

Here I go! Ow. Oh.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Jane.

Ow! What the--ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Jane, ow! Nice work, girlies.

Nice work. Okay, let's do it again. Up, up, for yoni, ah?

Come on. Let's get moving. I have a lamaze class to teach.

Are you sure that's a humane mousetrap?

Yep. Once we catch the little fella,

We'll release him in the park,

Where a homess man will barbecue him on a skewer.

what?

You should get that fixed. It's a total pain.

Don't worry. It's not a ghost. Had it checked.

Good. Because I was just about to ask if it was a ghost. Oh. I gotta get to my shop.

Do you mind staying here and finishing up

And then letting yourself out or is that too weird? Why would that be weird?

Every square foot of this apartment has seen me naked.

Now it's weird. Go on. Get out of here. Yeah. Okay. See ya.

wow.

The old apartment.

No.

hello.

Max, I'm telling you, I'm not gay-cist. Yeah, okay.

You're one of my closest friends, and you're gay. Typical gay-cist rhetoric.

You people-- you're all the same.

"you people"? Now that's racist.

I taught you how to eat a guy's spine, dawg,

And this is how you do me? That cold, player. Okay, you're literally talking

Like a stereotypical black person, and I'm a gay-cist? Huh!

This is ridiculous.

Right, penny?

Penny?

Oh, my god. Sorry.

I'm just a little jumpy

Because your wife fake-stabbed me 38 times

today. Oh, you forgot her half-birthday, too?

That woms an animal. I know.

hello?

Hey, it's me. Did you catch the working on it. Oh, he's a sneaky little guy...

oh, wait.

Did you get him? Hold on. Let me check real quick.

Hmm.

nope. False alarm.

Might have to come back tomorrow.

It's been, like, four days. I can't believe

You haven't caught this mouse yet. I know. He's my bin laden. Jessica bin laden--

Super hot arab girl I went to college with.

Hey, anyway... Thanks for fixing that cabinet, by the way.

Yeah, totally. Thanks for fixing the a.C., too.

I also fixed your surround sound and brought this special cable

So you can watch tv in high def. That is so nice.

You know, I just wanna make the place more comfy... Yeah.

For you. Thanks for fixing so much stuff.

okay. Go. Go, go, go.

whew! Doesn't this suck,

How this mouse has totally inconvenienced us? Torture.

Yeah. Hey, uh, have you ever thought about getting the nfl package?

I can call... For you.

What's wrong, biscuit? Max keeps calling me a gay-cist.

That'sul. I have no idea what that means. That I think all gay people

Are automatically attracted to each other. But you don't.

I know! I love gays. Hiry swank, tom hanks,

Jake gyllenhaal, will smith. Ay, now you're just naming

Straight actors who've played gay characters.

Yeah, but come on. Acting is pretty gay.

How did this even come up? Because I tried to fix him up with franklin from work.

That guy? Yeah.

Franklin's so boring, when I'm tired, I count franklins.

Like a... Shp.

so why did you set them up?

'cause they're both gay? No.

Wait. You're gay? Yeah.

Oh, you should meet my buddy. He's gay.

Wow. I'm married to a gay-cist.

That's not--you don't...

I'm not a gay-cist, and I'll prove it.

I'm gonna show max that he and franklin have more in common

Than just being gay. Mm-hmm. Good luck with that.

I am gonna go get my krav on.

Penny and I are having so much fun with this.

Really? You sure about that? She loves it.

Aah!

Beautiful! Now use her own gun against her.