M*A*S*H

Are you hit? No, I'm okay.

It's her stomach. She's been having pains.

Well, well. Since when did they put a stewardess on this run?

She's with the U.S.O. Medic thinks it's her appendix.

That must be Marina's troupe.

Hello! Anybody home?

That's Brandy Doyle, the stripper.

How would you know?

I saw her picture in Life magazine.

Uh, fully clothed.

It is you! Fast Freddie Nichols,

the funniest man ever to set foot on his ankles.

Many's the time you've beguiled

this wideeyed young doughboy

back in K. C. in the old Gaiety Theater.

You caught my act?

Heck. One time I caught your garter.

How are you feeling? Great.

Thanks to a certain wonderful doctor I know.

Oh, I'll bet you say that

to all the wonderful doctors you know.

I mean it.

Hey, you were just supposed to take out her appendix,

not steal her heart.

That was G2 on the phone.

There's an allout offensive.

All roads are restricted to troop convoys only.

Nobody can leave. You've been held over.

Hey, Freddie.

Yeah, huh?

Shake!

Make sure we've got plenty of plasma, penicillin, bandages.

Order everything times three.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Colonel, there's gotta be some way to get out of here.

Mr. Nichols, let me put this in show folks' lingo.

There's people out there knockin' 'em dead.

Unless you want your next review

to be in the obituaries,

you'll just have to set here a spell.

But we gotta wind up this tour on schedule,

or in army folks' lingo, my club date in Hoboken

is gonna be right down the latrine.

I've been to Hoboken. You're better off here.

You don't understand.

This could cost me the chance of a lifetime.

My agent says it's the perfect showcase

for Toast of the Town.

What's that?

What's that? Ed Sullivan!

The really big "shew."

You all right, son? Oh!

Look, unless this Toast of the Town feller's

got scrambled eggs on his cap, you're plumb outta luck.

How's he doing? Vital signs are stable.

How you feeling, Nowicki?

Has he spoken at all?

No, not a word.

Okay, pal.

If you don't feel like talking, I understand.

But if you change your mind, my number is "Hey, doc."

I will open with...five.

Hey, take it easy. That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Hey, B. J., what's the matter with him?

War's got his tongue.

Sherm! (laughs)

Hi, Sherm. Howdy, ma'am.

Sorry about the extended engagement.

I know this ain't exactly the Great White Way.

Oh, it's not the place. It's the people.

I thought maybe you and I could get together and have a drink.

I gotta warn you, if you want to keep your insides

lookin' as good as your outsides,

you better stay away from the rotgut they serve around here.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I've had whiskey that'd put hair on your glass.

Say, come to think of it,

I've got a bottle of 12yearold scotch

I've been saving for a dry day.

Oh, Sherm, your best scotch?

You oughta save that for a special occasion. I don't want to be

Well, this is special. It isn't every day I get to rub elbows,

let alone bend 'em, with a celebrity.

How about the Officers Club?

12yearold scotch in the Officers Club?

You'd be amazed how many friends

and how little booze you'll have.

I guess you're right.

Maybe we better sip the firewater in my wigwam.

Why, Sherman Potter!

Oh, well, nno, II ju

I'll be there at 8:00. II

IIII

Hey, Sarah.

I'm emceeing at a redhot bingo game

in the Officers Club later.

Care to join us? No, thanks, Father.

Not much fun being stuck in the middle of nowhere, is it?

Oh, it's not that.

Now it looks like I may never get

to the 121st evac hospital.

Why is that so important?

Her brother was killed in combat near here.

He died at the 121st.

I'm sorry. To think I've come all this way

to go home emptyhanded.

What do you mean? I don't understand.

What are you looking for? Maybe we can help.

Well, most importantly, a pair of ballet shoes.

My brother was in love with a ballerina,

and they had planned to get married.

And the night before he shipped out,

she gave him a pair of her toe shoes,

and he treasured them as his only link to her.

When his effects were returned, the shoes weren't among them.

I thought if I could find them,

his fiancée and I would have a memory of him we could share.

You know, Sarah, if you never received the shoes,

chances are they were either lost or stolen

before they ever reached the 121st.

What kind of an injury did your brother have, Sarah?

A head wound.

They usually send the neurosurgical cases

to the 8063rd.

I know the chaplain there.

I could call him and ask him about the shoes.

Where's Marina?

Oh, she wanted to visit,

so I flagged down the first wheelchair that came by.

I bet there are a lot of things you're lookin' forward to

when you get home, huh, Michael?

Well, what I'm lookin' forward to most

is a big bite of a Golden Delicious apple.

Not an ordinary apple like you get in the market.

I'm from Washington State,

where we pluck 'em right off the tree.

They're so...fresh

that they crackle when you sink your teeth into 'em.

And inside, snow white.

Thought it couldn't hurt to try.

If I was an apple,

I'd want you to deliver my eulogy.

Listen to her, Nowicki. She'll keep the doctor away.

Thanks for trying, Marina.

He didn't say anything,

but I think maybe he heard me.

Now that you're on the case,

maybe he'll start showing signs of showing signs.

You were terrific. Thanks.

Mm, Mmmm.

What's the matter?

I think you may be pushing your recovery a little bit.

Oh, Hawkeye, I feel fine.

Yeah, well, your lips may have a relapse.

They're not even on solid food yet.

Try to get some sleep.

Hey, doc?

Will you tell her that I like apples too?

Yeah, sure.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I didn't have a thing to wear.

Wow! I'll show you in

just as soon as I can let go of the door.

Oh, I think I can find my way.

Didn't realize you were gonna wear your Class A's.

Well, it was a choice of this or my working clothes,

and I figured it was a little bit chilly for them.

That's funny. I was just beginning to notice how warm it is.

Well, enough about the weather.

How would you like to offer a lady a belt?

Oh. Comin' right up.

Now, watch this stuff.

It's got more kick than the Rockettes.

How about a toast?

To two old war horses.

May your tassels soon twirl in peacetime.

Amen.

Ooh, Sherm, this is good.

Not enough O's in "smooth" to describe this.

He's right here. Hold on, Chaplain.

Charlie, there's a young woman here with a U. S. O. troupe

who's trying to locate her brother's personal effects.

He was a K. I. A.

Well, primarily, a pair of ballet shoes.

No, no, they were kind of a keepsake.

I'd appreciate it if you could check your lost and found.

Well, if you find them, please call me here.

Uh, thanks, Charlie. Byebye.

Well, he'll do what he can.

Thanks.

Beautiful!

What's the matter, Major?

Didn't I soothe your savage breast?

No offense, Miss Carlyle,

but I've always been of the opinion

that squeezing is a technique

best suited to making orange juice, not music.

Oh. My, you do have a way with arrogance.

Well, I've just never been a devotee

of musical instruments that one has to wear.