Little Mosque on the Prairie

We're back, and I'm with Darcy Tucker.

Darcy, obviously you've been on fire recently. Big game winning goal tonight.

What is it that's working for you right now?

It's all about the beets.

The beats? The hip-hop music you're playing in your dressing room?

No. Beet juice. I get it shipped in from this little town in the prairies.

Mercy Beet Company.

So you could say that this is the drink that can't be beat.

No, it is beet.

No no. I'm just saying, it is a drink that can't be beat.

Are we done yet?

Did he say: the Mercy Beet Company?

Why do these men sweat so much?

I own stock in that company.

So sweaty. He should cut his hair.

Bought in dirt cheap too. It's going to go through the roof.

Might see a temporary up swing.

Temporary up swing. Yes. That's going to buy me a power boat.

If I was going to go on TV, I would at least use a towel.

What you're talking about, is a stock bubble.

And if there is one thing we know about bubbles...

You're right, they just get bigger...

and bigger, and bigger.

Can you believe that?

Foolish man.

Do you think if I bought in now, I could get a power boat?

Huh?

Season 2 Episode 5 Mercy Beet

Yes!

Hmph, you win at solitaire again?

Better. Remember the stock that I invested in?

- Disposable Dentures? - No.

- 3-D Radio? - No.

Not that lame hydroponic beet farm mom told you not to invest in?

And the Mercy Beet Company's up 3 points. Thank you Darcy Tucker.

Who's Darcy Tucker? The guy who invented beets?

He's a hockey player. He endorsed it yesterday.

- It's all over the news. - Wow! Slow news day.

Fantastic. I knew this would happen.

You knew that a hockey player would be on the news talking about a local beet farm

three years after you invested in it?

This is one of several scenarios, yes.

By the way, let's keep it between you and me. I want to surprise your mother.

Surprise her? Or not tell her at all.

Either or. Just semantics.

Duncan, I'm going to Fatima's for lunch. Could you lend me a couple of bucks?

Huh, a little short on cash, huh?

- Well, it's been a lean month. - Don't have to explain to me.

We're all clergy, we're all poor.

That's why I'm going to the senior's home.

Rev, you have a few good years left in you.

I'm not checking in. I'm just visiting.

- It's meat loaf day. - Huh?

Kid, you are missing out on one of great perks of the clergy.

There is a tradition of holy men going out to preach, in exchange for food.

The Mendicant Tradition.

Mendicant, from the Latin word for mooch.

Ah, how often do you get out there?

Ah, I like to mix it up. Restaurants, weddings, AA meetings.

Do you think these seniors would like some spiritual comfort from a different religious perspective?

Sorry kid, you'll have to get your own leads.

Fatima, bring me your most expensive item on the menu.

Steak and eggs, 8 dollars.

Oh how disappointingly reasonable.

I take it you have not yet lost your shirt on that beet stock.

No, I took your advice, I bought more.

I never said that.

- I'm up a point. - Is that new?

Yes. When you're an active investor like myself, you need tools to...

take picture of my crotch,

and email it to my entire contact list.

Yasir, I'm an economist. So heed my warning.

Three predictable things will happen before the stock crashes.

Is one of them: you're trying to ruin my good mood?

Firstly, someone will utter the phrase, it's not a bubble.

- It's not a bubble. - Check.

Secondly, the politicians get involved.

Slow down, I can't write this fast.

And finally, just moments before the crash, the doctors buy in.

Doctors?

Highly educated people are quite often fools outside of their area of expertise.

You're a highly educated person.

Yes, I am.

Here you go.

That is: steak and egg.

Blame the chickens.

Sarah, I can't find my pizza pocket.

Did you look into the fridge?

It's full of these weird purple stuff.

- That's beet juice. - Betelgeuse (Beetlejuice)?

Like the movie with Buster Keaton?

- Michael Keaton. - No, he was Ghostbusters.

What is this stuff?

It's beet juice. Some hockey player started drinking it, now everyone is.

- Really? - Um huh.

Gish, hockey players grow their hair on the back, you don't see everyone doing that.

Oh, so you haven't taken a good look around Mercy.

- This stuff is made here. - Yeah, yeah.

You know, if this is popular, I want to be associated with it.

- I want to be queen beet. - But I thought you hated beets.

Everybody loves a winner.

You know, this didn't just happen, I made it happen.

Then the public should know that.

Oh, I didn't really make it happen, it just happened.

Then the public won't find out.

Something feels weird about this.

It's because, instead of doing damage control, and trying to recover from a disaster,

we're actually trying to get ahead.

Bingo.

Yes, and before I come down to the show room to pick it up,

could you polish the chrome,

and fill her with the highest grade of gas that you have.

Thank you.

- Did you just buy a car? - Better. I bought a barbecue.

Isn't it more different than better?

Better for cooking.

Barbecue, huh?

Guess you're going to take it home, put it in your backyard,

use it to cook stuff.

Wow! You really know the ins and outs.

Is it a big barbecue?

Put it this way...

Do the words Magnum 5000 mean anything to you?

No. But they do imply a certain kind of bigness.

Ha. Do you know that there is a history of spiritual leaders

- providing religious instruction in exchange... - Amaar...

would you like to come over for dinner?

Yes please.

Today we're on a threshold of opportunity

and that's why I'm 100% behind this beet product,

and the beet related industries that will bring to our community.

Are beets the future of Mercy, it's too early to tell.

But the answer is yes.

Miss mayor, can we get a picture of you drinking the beet juice?

I'm sorry, I don't quite follow.

I mean, actually drinking a glass of the beet juice.

There are several of them right there in front of you.

Ho ho. That would have been a good idea.

Well, could we do that now?

Well, I don't think we have time. Do we have time?

- Yeah. - Are we?

We do have time.

Alright then. Bottoms up.

Oh! Yuck!

Oh, that is so bad.

That's really bad.

Have you tasted this?

What a bad product. What a bad, bad product.

Oh, you are right. I would rather cut my own head off than drink this stuff.

Horror. Bad.

I predicted this would happen.

You knew the mayor would shoot beet juice out of her face.

I knew the politician would want to get on board.

But she's not on board. I mean I haven't read the whole article,

But the gish of it seems that she didn't like it.

Ah, but she wanted to get on board.

And next will come the doctors, and then...

prrsh, hmm, hmm, comes the crash.

Well I'm a doctor, and I'm not interested in beet stock.

Unless they have some kind of a folk festival.

- Really? - No, I'm kidding.

Who wants to go to a folk festival.

Okay, Okay. I think I know where we went wrong.

When I spit out the beet juice?

No, you see, we try to do something that's proactive.

But that's not us. We're reactive.

Yeah, I think it's when I spit out the beet juice.

We're lucky really. You see, we're good at overcoming disaster.

And look what came our way? Disaster, it's exactly what we needed.

We got it exactly where we want it.

What we're going to do, is wipe the situation clean.

Same way that beet stain's going to come out of the carpet.

It's not coming out.

Doesn't matter. At least it won't, when the world sees your new commercial.

Commercial?

We're going to get the tourists. We're going to get the business interest.

What Silicon Valley is to computers, what Detroit is to cars,

Mercy will be the beets.

Can I wear a purple suit?

Yes, you can wear a purple suit.

Scrub it up, dub.

Sups on. Courtesy of the Magnum 5000.

Wow, temperature does not seem to be an issue with that barbie.

May be if it was the Magnum 4000, we'll be able to tell what kind of food this is.

- Should I serve myself? - You invited yourself.

Just doing my spiritual duty. Please pass the garlic bread.

You know, Barber, says that two of his predictions has come true.

What predictions. Are we talking about the stupid beet thing?

I won't have the beets called stupid. Apologize to the beets.

I'm not going to Apologize to the beets.

Beet paid for your food.

Please tell the beets I'm sorry.

Okay, the thin ones are carrots. I think.

No, no. Thank you.

Why would Yasir send me an email of his crotch?

What's up?

Nothing. Just trying to get the charcoal out of my mouth from Yasir's barbecue.

Why would you go there?

Trying to do your thing. The Mendicant thing.

Oh Amaar. What's this, "Amateur Hour"?