Mrs. America

I was pregnant, and I was scared.

This is my deathbed confession.

- The Positive Woman looks upon her femaleness and her fertility

as part of her purpose, her potential, and her power.

She starts with the knowledge

that America is the greatest country in the world,

and she must do her part to keep it that way.

Now the women's liberation movement--

they like to characterize the, uh,

Positive Woman as negative...

- - ...as "Anti,"

when in fact, the opposite is true,

because the Positive Woman is pro-family and pro-life...

- - ...and pro-American.

There's a question?

H-How does the Positive Woman cope with threats

to our nation's security both within our borders

as well as outside?

- My mother's now your mother's ringer.

Unbelievable. - You're referring, no doubt,

to our current political crisis?

Well, our last election was a rout.

There's no other way of describing it.

The liberals now control the courts

and the legislative and executive branches

and the media.

And in Jimmy Carter, well,

we have a president who is weak on foreign policy,

is complacent in the face of the growing red menace,

and he is ill-prepared to deal with the nuclear genie

that is well and truly out of the bottle,

not to mention that within weeks of his inauguration,

the First Lady ruthlessly lobbied Indiana

to become the 35th state to ratify the ERA.

- Your mother seems... - She's been like this

since the election. - Shh, shh.

So thank you very much.

Uh, this is just a small appetizer from my new book,

"The Power of the Positive Woman,"

and if you want the full meal,

you'll need to buy a copy from me for $8.95.

Thank you. -

Oh, thank you.

Hi!

Phyl, sit up straight, sweetheart.

- You were wonderful. - Oh, you were, too.

- We should eat something before we head off to the theater.

- I can't believe I drove all this way from Boston

for "The King and I."

- I thought I was coming in for "A Chorus Line."

"The King and I" is a classic.

- Clive Barnes called "A Chorus Line"

an occasion of joy. - Oh, Clive Barnes.

- "Like a rainbow after a thunderstorm."

- Is Clive Barnes a weatherman? - Oh, she's spent

one semester at Princeton, and she's already spouting

this liberal nonsense like it's gospel.

- You have just a bit of perspiration right there.

- Oh. - That's perfect.

- You're a traitor to your sex by waging war against women!

Ramones: * Hey, oh, let's go

* Hey, oh, let's go

* They're formin' in a straight line *

* They're goin' through a tight one *

* The kids are losin' their minds *

* Blitzkrieg bop

***

* Hey, oh, let's go

- Well, I'm--I'm glad it wasn't a cherry pie,

because it would've stained my dress.

[ "A Fifth of Beethoven" by Walter Murphy playing ]

***

***

***

***

***

***

[ horn honks, vehicles passing in distance ]

Is it...tongue?

- Mm. And some kind of... fish spread.

That's a whitefish spread.

It's an old Cossack family recipe

from her father's butcher shop.

Say you're on a diet. That's what I always say.

- You are always on a diet. -

- And we're here to cheer her up.

How bad is she?

- Just... don't comment on her hair.

I'm happy you're here to give her some good news.

- I hope she sees it that way. It's not even a paid position.

- I really thought she would win.

- No one's eating. Is someone sick?

I'm not interrupting.

I just came out to sneak myself a sandwich.

- Oh, excuse my hair. I haven't been able to find anyone

as good as Lily in the city.

- You haven't found anyone as good in New York City.

- Uh, well, it was a walk from the House Beauty Parlor

to the Capitol that really made my hair shine.

No one's touched the liver.

Mmm. Did Bella tell you that

we're going to Southern Italy next month?

- Yeah, we're taking a food tour,

see who makes the better salami. -

- It's called salumi. - No, no, "salumi"

is the umbrella term for all cured meats.

- I have been waiting 25 years to get you back there.

I'd like to, uh, make a toast to Midge...

...on being the first female assistant to the president.

I can't believe it was only five years ago

you were my assistant at the convention,

running around, delivering papers.

Cheers.

- Cheers. - You clearly have Carter's ear.

Use it wisely.

Iusing it wisely.

I have asked the president to resurrect Jill's commission,

which means the first ever national women's convention

is back from the dead.

The one that I--

- Funded with your bill. Yes. It's scheduled for November.

Just need to find the right person to run it.

Not this November.

That's not enough time.

Uh, it's designed to be run like a political party convention,

only it's bipartisan-- uh, an even bigger undertaking.

It takes years to plan.

- Which is why I've asked the president to appoint you

as Presiding Officer of the commission.

- Only you could pull off something this ambitious.

We could get so much done.

- I would certainly be the right man for the job.

Cheers.

***

***

You're still up.

It's late. Come to bed.

Hmm.

That was a great slogan.

Hmm. It was.

But Bella Abzug won with it.

The most socialist, anti-war, radical libber

had the same slogan as me.

Don't make it personal.

Come to bed.

[ telephone ringing in distance ]

I want you to imagine

a group of Native Alaskan women getting on a bus in Fairbanks,

Appalachian women getting on a bus in Beattyville,

homemakers getting on a bus in Toledo.

They're all traveling to represent their state,

all of them yearning to have a voice in government,

to vote on issues that affect their lives.

[ indistinct conversations in distance ]

It's easier to imagine if your eyes are closed.

When the state meetings are over,

all these buses, hundreds and hundreds of them

with women from all walks of life,

make their way to Houston.

We have very limited resources.

Do we wanna spend our money on these buses,

or on pretty skirts to decorate tables on the convention floor?

- Fine. No table skirts. Everyone, open your eyes.

You're gonna give a 10-minute meditation

on every line item in the budget?

- No, just the table skirts felt frivolous.

Moving on. Coretta Scott King

has agreed to join the commission

and chair the minority rights committee.

Oh.

That's fabulous.

Uh, we have one more spot.

As much as I hate to say it,

I think we should appoint Betty as our final commissioner.

Betty Friedan? No.

- Uh, I know she's divisive and a pain in the ass,

but she is a pioneer.

- Who almost singlehandedly kept lesbians out of the movement

for a decade.

- And we've been making a big push at the state meetings

to approve a gay rights resolution.

- If the resolution makes it on the agenda in Houston,

will the president still get up onstage for opening ceremonies?

- I'll make sure of it. - If Betty is on that stage,

it'll send a message that we're not welcome.

I'll resign. - So now we're not gonna have

people we disagree with participate?

- Not if we want Houston to be inclusive.

- You wanna be inclusive by excluding?

Would you listen to yourself?

- You cannot appoint her. - Okay. Okay, let's calm down.

- This is just how we talk in New York City.

- The West Side of New York City.

This is exactly

what I warned would happen with the Democrats in charge.

It's a federally funded festival for frustrated feminists.

- They're gonna ram a whole platform

of lefty issues down our throats.

Yes.

- Will the libbers use this to get those last three states?