Night Court

Previously on "Night Court"...

-I can't believe Dan might be your boyfriend's dad.

-We're not even positive they are father and son.

-We can trick those guys into a paternity test, easy.

I'm always looking for a reason to steal DNA.

No one's stealing any DNA.

We could get the answer in a normal way.

Didn't you date a lawyer who worked at night court

right around the time you were pregnant with Jake?

There was a lawyer...

and a judge.

Was it a night court judge?

And a magician.

-Okay. I'm in. Let's get their DNA.

And just for fun, here's mine, too.

Everybody here thinks

that you're the judge's boyfriend's dad.

You think what?

So, there you have it.

Dan, you might be Jake's dad.

The answer is right here in this envelope.

It's a lot to process.

Yeah.

-Wow! You two even stress the same.

So, which one of you wants to open it?

There is also a third option.

-I open it and read the results like a '90s talk show.

It's always been my dream to be this generation's Maury Povich.

And not just because I think Connie Chung can still get it.

Big day for all of us.

I'm going to journal about this so hard

the neighbors are going to complain.

He can't be my son.

I had a vasectomy in 1987.

Although, you know, that medical staff

may have had it out for me.

I had this great joke about them not accepting tips.

Not even one courtesy laugh.

Oh, my first maybe-dad joke.

-Come on, just open the envelope.

Dan, Jake is...

not your daughter.

-What? Let me see that.

They must have screwed up and tested my hair

against Dan's DNA.

Why did they have your hair?

Did you think Dan was your dad, too?

Nope. Worse.

I thought you were my brother.

But good news! You're not.

That's too bad.

That would have given you two a bit of an edge.

-I can take your samples down to the crime lab

and have the results in 48 hours.

"Will solve a brutal murder.

Parentheses. Pretty white lady. Whole life ahead of her."

-Fantastic. -This is fantastic.

-So, possible big relationship on the horizon for two people

who are very special to me.

-Hold on. I hear a squeak.

I don't know if it's you or my chair.

Damn it, it's the chair.

-I wish my voice could go that low.

Anyway, I thought you might want to talk it out with someone

who knows a thing or two about fatherhood.

-Wyatt? I'll ask his advice

when I'm looking for a fitted tee.

-You know, I remember when I found out

I was going to be a dad.

It's a lot, but 90% is just showing up.

Though, you're just showing up now,

so your percentages will be different.

Let's say 30% showing up, 20% life lessons, 17% holidays.

Is Jake Jewish? Because their Christmas is like 11 days.

I'll have to rerun the numbers.

-Wyatt, thank you so much for that pep talk.

It was 100% useless.

-So, when you say, "I got this," that just means nothing?

Hey, Mommy Longlegs.

Word on the street is you've been smoking

on the judge's fire escape.

Oh, because I'm an ex-con,

you assume that I'm breaking the rules around here?

That is an outrageous accusation.

-So, this ashtray sculpted by a woman

venting her sexual frustration through clay

that says "Made in Rikers" isn't yours?

You got me.

I also channeled my prison heat into some very phallic vases.

Well, knock off the smoking.

You don't get a pass just 'cause you're new.

Fine. I'll stop.

-I don't believe you. -You got me again. You're good.

-First up, the People vs. Bree McKee,

who is charged with destruction of property

at the Times Square Duane Reade.

-Rather than wait for an employee to open a locked case,

Miss McKee smashed through it

with a walker from the mobility aids aisle.

-I'm not seeing a statement from anyone who works there.

-We're still not sure anyone does.

These drug stores inexplicably put more things

behind unbreakable glass than museums.

You know, it's easier to steal a Rembrandt

than to buy foot powder?

I needed a pregnancy test.

And if the condoms weren't locked up last time,

I wouldn't even be here right now.

So, you might be pregnant.

No wonder she's upset.

She's moments away from finding out

if her life is going to change forever,

and she's told she has to wait.

What if she's not ready to have a kid?

Not everybody is cut out to be a parent, you know?

Damn! She's 70.

She likes her life the way it is.

-Imagine how much worse it'd be

if I hadn't given him that pep talk.

-Okay, I'm gonna let you off with a warning,

because in nine months, you may be doing hard labor.

Hey-o!

Five-minute recess.

-You don't need to take that test.

I can tell you're pregnant by the shape of your face.

-Oh, look, Jake's here with a face full of hope.

Dan's gonna hate that.

-I got this. -No.

Hey. What you got there?

-Well, since Dan might be my dad,

I thought it'd be fun if I showed him

some of my childhood memories.

There's also a baseball in there,

in case he wants to have a catch.

Why are you doing this to me?!

-You know, I think a box full of tender memories

might be a lot much for Dan right --

and you're already going.

-Hey, Dan. -Oh. Hey, Jake.

Nice weather we're having here in the courtroom today.

-I was thinking the two of us could go through this box --

Oh, Jake.

Dan doesn't want to look through a box of my old stuff.

Right?

What's with all the crap?

Just a bunch of my junk.

Got a recorder,

pages from a Victoria's Secret catalog.

Hubba, hubba.

-You probably thought if those pictures

were a big part of your sexual awakening,

your dad would want to know about it.

Oh, hey, there's a baseball in here.

Hmm. Does anyone want to have a catch?

Um, you know what?

I'm just going to help Abby get rid of this crap.

Right.

Stupid, stupid.

Should have brought my mitt.

-I know Dan will love Jake if he just gets to know him.

So, I made a few hundred flashcards with icebreakers

to get the conversation popping.

"Describe your perfect day."

"What song would pull you out of a coma?"

"Canada has been attacked by an aggressive foreign army.

Do you volunteer to fight?"

Great questions, Wyatt.

My answers are Christmas,

"Tubthumping,"

and "Oh, yeah, you bet I'll fight, eh."

-Judge, this isn't going to work.

Fathers and sons don't have conversations.

There's too much risk.

You might say something you actually mean.

You need a project.

My dad and I restored an entire 1967 Mustang

and didn't make eye contact once.

I've never felt more loved.

-Judge, we're ready to start court.

-Hey, Gurgs, what kind of things do you do with your dad?

-My dad and I have a family band

that plays small clubs upstate.

Have you ever heard of Simon and Gurgfunkel?

Because those were our rivals.

You go ahead.

I'll be right there.

-Oh, did you mean this fire escape?

Come in here right now,

or I'll make you eat that cigarette like a hot dog.

Oh, fine.

This will be my last one.

You might want to get comfortable.

Judge, we have a problem.

You know that defendant who was accused of trespassing

in the women's changing room in Bally's Total Fitness?

-The guy who's pleading it's fine

because he thought he was invisible?

-Yeah, well, he's completely disappeared.

-But I'm on it. I got the police sketch artist to draw this.

Sorry. This.